Friday, May 30, 2008

His eyes were brown...

It is a horrible thing to have to find out the color of your child's eyes through an autopsy report. Today the report arrived in the mail. I have been wondering for months what color Asher's eyes were. I never got to see him open them and look at me. I had guessed they were brown like Ben's as he had Ben's red hair. I was right. His eyes were brown.

Aside from finding out that the chromosome study was normal that is all I know right now. Our case has sparked interest in doctors and has been sent to The University of Virgina Health System for further review and consultation.

I had been allowing the what ifs to sneak in lately. Somehow when you are waiting for answers it seems that you imagination can run wild. Asher looked so perfect and so beautiful when he was born I kept thinking maybe they hadn't gotten the results back because nothing was wrong with him. I know the doctors knew there was and otherwise they would have taken greater measures to save him but I could not help but wonder what if.

I continually have to remind myself that with a sovereign God there are no what ifs. Yet as a parent sometimes my mind slips to those thoughts. This report did without a doubt remind me that there are no what ifs. We still don't have any concrete answers but the decision to not put Asher on life support was definitely a good one. His brain weighed only 19.1 grams. The average infant at his stage of development has a brain weighing, 217 grams. His microcephaly was severe. Severe enough that life support would not have changed the outcome in any way.

Now this information will go to our genetic doctor who will work on all of this with us to determine what we should do in the future as far as growing our family. The thing is I am not even sure what to do with the information they may or may not find. I certainly don't WANT to go down this road a third time, yet I do want another baby. I also believe that God is still the same today as he was three or four years ago before our lives were touched by microcephaly. He is in control and if he wants to bless us with more children I want us to remain open to that no matter what means he uses to get them to us. So I guess I will just remain in prayer about the growth of our family and see where God leads.

The important thing here is that my aching heart was yearning to know the color of my sweet boy's eyes that I so desperately wanted to see. They were brown. His beautiful perfect eyes were brown.

28 comments:

Zac and Jenny said...

Congratulation on your beautiful brown eyed boy!

I'm glad you got some of the answers you were looking for.

-Jenny

Lisa said...

You don't need any what ifs. You knew as you were going through your pregnancy that you were making the right decisions. You knew it when he was born, that there was nothing that could have or should have been done differently. You loved your perfect Asher, you protected him, kept him safe. Your brown eyed baby had the best mama and daddy caring for him that he possibly could have.

Mom To Six said...

He hears your words and knows your heart. He will give you all of the answers you are seeking.

You continue to be in my prayers.

In His Name,

Ohilda

Christa said...

(((Kristy)))

I don't have words today, as I recieved some ambiguous news today.

As shaken as I am over something so small, I still just can not grasp the enormity of what you have been dealt...and how gracefully you have lived through it all.

Congrats on your brown eyed boy. :)

Suzie said...

A sweet brown eyed baby boy! And another red hair cutie to go with that. Congrats!!!! I knew you would be correct! ALL of your boys are so precious! My prayers are with you today, as I know how hard it is to read this report. Here is hoping that all the prayers will lift you up and carry you through this time.

much love to you!
suzie

The VW's said...

Brown...What a beautiful color!Next to green, it is my favorite color! It breaks my heart to know that you had to receive this information in the mail, but I'm glad that you were finally able to learn this.

I will be praying for you as you face uncertainty with the information that is given to you from doctors. I would struggle with what I should do, so I can only imagine what you will and are going through! Whatever decisions you make will be ones that God has ordained for you to make. I hope this will give you comfort when you are making them. He has, and has had, a plan for you and your family from the beginning. May you continue to lean on Him and trust Him with whatever that plan may be! I'll be praying!

Valerie said...

Oh Kristy! BROWN!!! :) I'm so glad that you got the answer that you were seeking. Praying for you as you consider a way to grow your family as I know that it truly is the desire of your heart! :)

Elisha said...

Kristy, I havent commented in a long long time but I still check in regularly and had to post today:) You had me in tears- as much as I thought I could imagine what it may be like in your position - the thought that you had never seen Ashers beautiful eyes never occurred to me - rectifying any misconception I had that I could even come close to understanding without being through it myself. Again Im so sorry for your losses and I would be willing to bet that they were some of the most beautiful eyes this world would have ever seen. My prayers are still with you and I also pray that they will find out if there is a connection and that some day you may be so blessed to have another child.

Anonymous said...

adoption can be a beautiful answer to prayer--we did it three amazing times!

asplashofsunshine said...

He may have never opened his beautiful brown eyes the day he was born, but he sees Mommy now with those big brown eyes. Lots of prayers to you and your gorgeous family.

msharae said...

Yay for brown eyes! And yay for matchy-matchy little boys!

Sheryl said...

With a sovreign God there are no what-ifs!! Oh that's so true. Thanks for the reminder.

Those beautiful brown eyes are seeing the face of Jesus. The same Jesus that will walk you through whatever God has in store for your future.

Still Praying,
Sheryl

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

Beautiful brown eyes...What a precious boy.

Kim said...

I wish you were looking into those big brown eyes yourself.  I just do.  But I guess the better thing is knowing that those big brown eyes are looking into the eyes of the King...praying for you.

Laurie said...

Oh Kristy,

This may not be a comfort but I just thought of when those beautiful brown eyes did open for the first time, they saw Jesus, the One who holds your heart in His hands. I wish you didn't have to find this out on paper, but I think your heart already knew. There are no what if's and you did everything so lovingly for Asher as his mommy and daddy. Praying for all the upcoming information to land softly on you both and asking the Lord to draw you closer to each other each day and give you clear guidance and wisdom in growing your family. He knows.

Love you guys, Laurie in Ca.

Tamara said...

Sweet Kristy, bless your heart as you opened that packet. I wished you could have seen his eyes look at you here on earth, but now you will see him face to face, eyes to eyes in heaven! Praise God for the hope we have in Him... I agree with the last post... the 1st thing Asher saw was Jesus! Beautiful brown eyed Asher... praying for you as you continue this road... one day, one moment at a time! Tam

Hilary said...

I haven't commented in a while, but please know I'm checking in on you daily. I think of you often and pray for you and your sweet family.
Thank God for your precious brown-eyed boy.
I will pray for wisdom and peace about future decisions in having more children.
Oh, and I see that you have the audreycaroline blog on your "blog roll" and I'm sure you've seen it, but if you haven't read it yet...I thought her post titled The Past and The Pitcher was amazing. I thought of you as I read it. So, if you haven't read it yet..you should. It impacted me, that's for sure.
God Bless.

Amy said...

I wanted to let you know that your family's story has touched my heart in more ways that I can even explain. I found your story on the NILMDTS website. I am a photographer in the northwest and was touched by the service NILMDTS proves for families. I am hoping to get involved on a local level. I have been reading your blog and am just heartbroken for your family and the losses you have had to suffer with losing two babies. I am praying for your family's well being and happiness. I just wanted to let you you know that I will keep you and your beautiful boys and your husband in my prayers and I will hope you get the answers you need to help grow your family and have peace inside yourself for the future. Asher is Beautiful! Just an angel visiting here on earth. What an amazing little face he has. Blessing to you, sending my love, Amy from Oregon.

sumi said...

I am so glad you got to know what color his eyes are. I'm praying for all the other answers to be unfolded in his time.

lannea said...

Beautiful Brown Eyes!!! Prayers and Thoughts Always!
Love ya, Lannea

Nicole said...

I'm so glad you got at least one of your questions answered. There are no brown eyes in our family and my husband joked with me that if Morgan's eyes turned anything but blue or hazel/green - he wanted a DNA test to see if it was the UPS guys' eye color. LOL! Thankfully we've discovered that they are definitely BLUE! Ha ha!

Thinking of you all...

~~Nicole

Barb said...

Your testimony this morning was a Blessing to all who heard it. Your faith is truly an inspiration! Thank you for sharing you story.

Emily said...

Oh sweet friend. So much of what you say, so much of your boys' stories take me right back to Miller Grace. Her eyes were blue. ;) I hear you about not knowing where to go as far as growing our family after such a loss. Miller Grace had microcephaly, too. It's so hard to attach those labels with such negative sounding undertones to the children we loved so perfectly and who are perfect and with the Lord now. I'm sorry you get it. I'm sorry you had to learn about those gorgeous brown eyes the way you did. And I can almost see them sparkle as I think about our babies in Heaven tonight. I'm praying for your peace, precious friend.

Melissa Dovel said...

((Kristy)),

I am sorry that you had to read any detail of your child that you should have been able to experience for yourself. PTL for all the great things you did see! He is perfect, and he was perfect here too. You made all the right choices the day he was born and don't doubt for a moment that YOU or Howard could have changed a thing. The Lord has something great for you and your not done with having children. I will tell you this- when I was pregnant with my middle child and working. I had a lady who had just gone through a divorce. Had 2 grown children, a house in foreclosure- on and on and on..... She got pregnant (not by choice, not with someone she planned to share her life with). Anyway- she was hiding her pregnancy for quite a while from others and family included. She came to me (being pregnant). She simply asked me can you help me find someone who wants a baby. I believe it was fate (she could have gone through the state but it would have required somethings she was not willing to face- not real sure on her details and unimportant anyway) So I just googled and a coupple who could not afford the time and money to jump through all the hoops had made a website simply stating their situation. I am telling you it was the Lord that brought that baby to that family (their daughter is now 5). God can do the impossible and he can use anyone to do it. Keep on believing that God is not done filling your home and your heart.

Praying that you live with great expectation,
Melissa

Cathy said...

Just stopping by to say HI and that we are praying and loving your little brown eyed Boy!
Cathy & Annabel

Laura said...

Sweet brown eyes....praying for you. Keep asking, "Now what?".

Erin said...

I'm glad you finally got to find out what color Asher's eyes were. I don't know what color our Isaac's eyes were but I like to think that they were blue like Caleb's. Thinking of you and your sweet boys.

ajc4ever said...

Wow...brown! Congratulations on your beautiful brown eyed red haired boy. Praying for you!!

Angela in Ohio