Scared of the pain

Job 17:7My eyes have grown dim with grief; my whole frame is but a shadow.

Well I thought we were going to go and watch a movie, but Howard was watching a Celtic's game and so we finished that and then went to watch the movie. But a half hour in he was asleep. I have no idea why something so dumb has sparked such raw emotion in me (he never makes it through a movie and this one was a girly one nonetheless) but when I heard him begin to snore I began to cry and shut the TV off. I came out to the living room so I could cry without bothering him but of course he gave me a couple of minutes and then he followed. He wanted me to talk to him and I just don't even know what to say. There are absolutely NO words for what I am feeling in this moment.

Psalm 31:9Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.

I am exhausted from the day both physically and emotionally and yet I cannot rest. As I sit here sobbing I just want to scream. I want to run outside and scream at the top of my lungs. The thought honestly crossed my mind but I am sure the neighbors would worry. Sometimes the pain of all of this is so intense that it scares me so I try my best to shove it back down in to the deepest pit of my soul. It always finds it's way back up though usually at the strangest and most inopportune time. For almost three months I have continually been trying to run from the pain of all of this and it always catches up with me. Usually when I am all alone with my thoughts and they ALWAYS turn to my boys.

My arms are so painfully empty tonight. I do have two amazing boys sleeping soundly in their rooms for which I am so grateful, but I want to be up and crying out of sheer exhaustion from caring for all four of my boys while I nurse Asher. Our home is silent as my fingers click on this keyboard and I long for the sound of an infant's cry. This pain sometimes is more than I can bear and I try oh so hard to keep it together and remind myself of my blessings. Yet this deep empty hole has been carved out of my heart and it will NEVER be filled this side of Heaven.

I keep thinking that I am almost three months into this recent journey and that I should be on the road to recovery and yet I continually find myself backsliding, or was I ever REALLY moving forward to begin with? I thought I was ready to have life return to normal and yet I am seeing so clearly that I was painfully wrong. My heart is still shattered and the pain sneaks up when I least expect it. Who am I kidding? This is still all so new. So fresh and so painful.

I have no wisdom to share tonight, I cannot even adequately describe the agony I find myself in. I have no idea where God is leading me and I cannot understand why this pain is necessary. I am a good mom. I want my sons with me. I want a baby to hold and nurse and love on. Life sometimes seems unbearably unjust and unfair. I want to haul all four of my kids to the grocery store. All under five years old and have people look at me like I am nuts. :-) As much as I protested the minivan, I would give anything to NEED one. So much in life seems so trite these days. I find my self in conversations with other moms biting my tongue or just trying to refrain from shaking someone and reminding them how lucky they are to have each of their kids with them. I know motherhood is hard and we all get frustrated and need to vent, but I would do ANYTHING to have four kids to wear me out each day. Instead I am completely worn out from my grief and am still trying to hold it all together to give my boys who are here with me every ounce of energy I can muster. They deserve it. They are so precious. They are my life's greatest work. Motherhood is no easy task that is for sure, but I cannot think of a higher calling. I love all four of my boys so fiercely it tears me to pieces each night when I only get to tuck two of them in.

Lamentations 3:33For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.

I pray tonight that God would bring peace and healing to my heart in his time. I know that pain is not without purpose and so I am trying hard to allow myself to be present in the pain and not run from it. I have been running and probably still am. I pray for God to heal Luke's rash as it is a concern for me. I pray for God to bless this family and if it be his will that in His time that he will bless us with more children. Luke and Ben so desperately want another sibling in this house, though none could replace Asher or Isaac, we hope to add to our clan sometime farther down the road. I also pray for my dad who hurt his back at work yesterday and is in great physical pain tonight I pray for healing for his body and for his heart. I also pray for our sweet friends Ginger and Greg who welcomed their son Fionn (pronounced fin) into the world this evening.

Psalm 88:9my eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, O LORD, every day; I spread out my hands to you.

John 16:22So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.