Cannot Sleep...

I sit here tonight at the computer and everyone else is asleep. I should be sleeping too...I know that. I am so very tired and yet I just cannot sleep. I am not sure whether it is sheer exhaustion or if it is just grief catching up to me but I am really struggling tonight. It has been a tiring day. It is tough to begin your day with mind numbing exhaustion and persevere through caring for children, making meals and household chores, add to that I had to work until 11. I teach online and it is a fun job but time and energy consuming none the less. Tonight as I sit here I feel as though I have nothing left to give. My cup that normally runneth over is running on E. I cannot control my tears and I must say I haven't cried all that much through all of this.

In the last week the physical symptoms of pregnancy for me have begun. I am one of the lucky few who feels pretty great up until the end. I still physically feel great and I am sure better than many women who are 31 weeks pregnant. I just ache. My whole self aches. Each joint in my body is aching as my body prepares for labor. Happy is active and seems to be angry if I sit in a slouched position causing his space to be invaded by my ribs. I LOVE pregnancy and all that goes with it but for some reason as I think tonight that I will endure all of this physical pain once again in just a few weeks I am reminded of the agony of losing Isaac and how unjust it all seemed for a woman to endure such excruciating pain only to go home without her baby. I pray that this is not what happens again but I also must be realistic and at this point that is what all signs are pointing toward.

As I stumbled through the bookstores last night I gazed at all of the pregnancy and baby books thinking to myself that there is not ONE pregnancy book out there to help me understand what is happening. There is not one book that can help me know what to expect or how to handle it. There is no chapter in What to Expect When You're Expecting that covers what I am going through. I often feel so alone. It is also interesting to me how when you go through something like this some people have no words for you because there are none. Then others offer Bible verses and give you "magic words" that should make you feel better, but nothing does. I know that the only book with answers is the Bible and that is where I will find the truth...During pregnancy however I have ALWAYS LOVED pregnancy books. I love to learn all the amazing things a body does as it grows and births a baby. I have several and yet they seem to be lacking because while women in my stage of pregnancy are washing blankets and buying bottles, my husband and I are discussing life support, life saving measures, comfort care and memorial services.

I have come to the realization tonight that though I trust whole heartedly that the Lord is going to bring us through this, I am still a human. I am a mom who desperately wants ALL of my sons to be with me. I want to bring this little guy home and nurse him. I want to be mind numbingly tired because HE kept me up all night. I WANT to do endless loads of laundry that come with having a newborn. This all may be selfish but it is how I feel. I have been telling myself that if I give in to these feelings that it must mean that I am doubting God or that I have less faith. That is simply not the case. There are no easy answers for what is happening here. I hurt. Plain and simple. Jesus wept so there must be something to it... Psalm 34:18 says that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. I surely am crushed. I know God is answering our prayers and though he may not answer all of them as we see fit I know the answer will come in his perfect time. I know that he is a sovereign god who knew this baby before even I did. I know God is drawing ever near to me and to our family, but I wish it didn't have to hurt so much.

I often am asked how it is that I make the choice to get out of bed each day to live another day and as I sit here tonight I must admit that as I look toward the future it all seems so overwhelming. There are certainly days and nights like tonight that I just want to hide. I want to run away, but there is nowhere to hide and no place to run so I just have to keep on going. I so desperately want another baby. I am so blessed to have two healthy happy boys at home but I ache for another baby. I know that when we are given a child it is merely a loan. They are truly God's children and some only get to stay briefly, but that is such a hard thing to actually have to live. I have done it once and have often thought to myself, what have I done that has caused God to punish me in such a way not once but twice.? I have shaken an angry fist at God and still I have no answer. I will say it helps to take it up with Him though. I have no doubt that God will work all of this out for our good. I know that Happy will bring such joy to our lives, he already has. Mother Teresa once said "I know God won't give me more than I can handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much." That quote resonates with me. I know that God chose us for this journey for a very specific and awesome reason. My heart, along with the rest of my body still aches.

I sat here pondering whether or not I should publish this post...it is definitely one of my weaker moments here tonight. I am feeling lonely and hurt. I don't want anyone to think that I am losing faith or that I would change having this miracle in my life for a moment. I know that even if I only get this little guy for a brief time he will touch my life forever and likely many other people's lives as well. Miracles are happening each day for us. And as I sit here I know that this does not for one moment take away from what God is doing. I am human and there is a human side to all of this...I trust in God, I believe his Word to be the truth and I know how blessed I truly am. The truth is that the Bible says that God loves brokenhearted people, he draws near to them. He wants to know the desires of our hearts. My heart is broken. He is our heavenly father who knows us better than we know ourselves...to deny my feelings would do no good anyhow...He already knows...God made this promise in Isaiah 25:8 "The Sovereign Lord will wipe away all tears." I believe this hurt is necessary. I have just been putting it off. It is part of this journey and I need to allow myself to feel all that I am feeling, the hurt, the anger, pain, frustration, loneliness, emptiness, joy, sorrow, grief, hope, love, and everything that comes my way... but I need to know that God will wipe away my tears and in the end he will remove all the hurt and pain from my life and I will be forever with him and my boys. I do find comfort in that, I know that having Isaac in my life caused me to love deeper than I ever knew possible and that love has grown with each of my boys and I can only imagine what is to come, but for tonight, I am a brokenhearted mom asking God to draw near and bring me some peace in knowing He's got this under control.