I cannot believe tomorrow is here...

Today I feel overwhelmed. I have been dreading tomorrow for quite some time. At this point tomorrow will tell a lot. They have enough measurements now to tell for sure tomorrow whether Happy's brain has stopped growing or is just behind. I am praying so hard for growth. Through the autopsy reports, we learned that Isaac's brain stopped growing at 17-20 weeks. At our last appointment they had told us that Happy was measuring at 21 weeks so I am encouraged that it is already a little ahead of where Isaac was. I am trying very hard to cling to this verse:

"We will have no fear of bad news; our hearts are steadfast, trusing in the Lord." Psalm 112:7

I desperately yearn for some good news. As of now I am able to live each day with hope. I am okay with not knowing what tomorrow will bring...I just can't handle doctors telling me that things are hopeless. I feel horrible that I have no desire to see my precious baby on a sonogram screen. Each sonogram is so awkward and painful. The technicians and doctors whisper and type and tell us nothing for 1 hour to 1 1/2 hours until we meet with another doctor. It is a horrible feeling and makes it very difficult to enjoy seeing him.

The truth is, that this baby is such a precious gift to our family. Whether he lives for six minutes or sixty years his life is a gift. I would not change having him for anything. Though Isaac was only with us for six days they were six days that changed our lives in a way we never knew possible. I know that no matter what this baby will do the same. That is what babies do! I am okay with the uncertainty of tomorrow. I know God has this under control and there is nothing I can do but protect and love this little guy for as long as I have him. I just wish the doctors understood that.

It is very likely that tomorrow will be our last appointment in Pittsburgh and this appointment will tell us everything we are going to know about this little guy before he is born, which is not too far away. Tomorrow they will be looking for head/brain growth, they are going to take a detailed look at his heart to see if the hole is still there and if it is what will need to be done if anything. They will look at Isaac's autopsy and photos to see if they can find a link and we will decide whether we should deliver him in Pittsburgh or here in Erie. (We are pulling for Erie, we know so many of the hospital staff, especially all of the ones who cared for us and Isaac and they were wonderful, we also want as many people to have the chance to meet Happy as possible)

As I have spent some time with God in the past few days I have repeatedly heard him say to me...."Be Still" I swear every time I pray that is how He responds to me. I go to him so worked up and frustrated and all I get is "Be Still" so I am trying to just Be Still and rest in knowing that God has this thing covered...there is nothing I can do to change what is to come nor should I want to. This is hard for me...those of you who know me, know that I am painfully Type A! So I am learning new lessons each and every day. I am enjoying my family and the time I have with this baby safely inside of me. I am so thankful for him. I know that God is hearing everyone's prayers and I am so grateful to each and every one of you who has taken the time to pray for our family. In reality...tomorrow is not the defining day...only God knows how this will play out and no matter what the doctors say we must just continue to look to God for our answers. Doctors are human and make mistakes, God doesn't. I must be still and know!

As we head into tomorrow I do have several specific prayer requests: (our appt is at 1:30)
1. Safe travel for Howard and myself (we will be leaving around 10:30)
2. A great day for the boys as they stay home with their cousin Jenna
3. The doctors treat us with compassion and kindness
4. The sonogram would show brain growth
5. That the hole in his heart has closed
6. That Happy is healthy in every other way
7. That no matter what Howard and I will have the strength to be obedient and allow God to FULLY work in this situation, whatever that means.
8. For peace for all of our family in all of this, we are not the only ones struggling...our parents desperately want to help us and save us from this pain but don't know how and we are so concerned about Luke's heart. He is such a sensitive little guy and he still talks about how much he misses Isaac...he is so looking forward to his new little brother.

We want God to use us. Though this entire situation is nearly unbearable at times I want to submit and be obedient to God, and not let bitterness overcome me. I don't get a choice about much in this life, but I do choose how I respond to God and I desperately want to obey and allow him to fully use me and our family however He sees fit. That is not to say that I am not struggling with this, but we must all remember that God gives us babies for a reason...the Bible says that Children are a gift from the Lord, and that is so true. So we must be willing to accept and love that gift no matter how God chooses to give it. So, please understand that though I often write of my struggles, anger and frustration, I also know that God does love us and that this baby is one of God's greatest blessings in my life and I will love and cherish him for as long as God will allow.


Thank you all again for your prayers and support. We love you!