Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The deceit of feelings...

"When I cannot FEEL the faith of assurance, I live by the Fact of God's faithfulness." - Matthew Henry

It happens every day...
People ask..."So how are you feeling?"

My response... "OK."

REALITY: I am not alright!

What I have come to learn is this...feelings are relative. Often times I wake up in the morning and I just want to pull he covers over my head and stay there all day. I feel like I have been punched in the gut and had the wind knocked right out of me most of the time. Many nights I sit on the couch crying because I feel so desperately alone. It is strange because at the beginning of this journey I thought of these feelings as a sign of a lack of faith. I have come to truly understand that this is not true. Faith and feelings are two completely different things. Feelings are something we feel yet are not necessarily reality. I often times "feel" deserted or alone but I do in fact know that that is not the truth. I know that I serve a God that is ALWAYS here even when I don't "feel" Him. The fact that I KNOW this is faith. Faith is knowing despite how I feel that God is here even though I may not see or feel him I still know and believe with all my heart that He is here. I know that the only thing that never changes in this ever changing fast paced life is our God. He is the same God that Abraham served and the same God Joseph served. It is true that God is the same yesterday, today and forever.

I feel as though I truly am walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death however I know my God is with me. I feel as though I am in the dark but I know that the light is there. It is truly like being in a shadow. We may dwell in a shadow for a period of time but the sun always returns lighting the darkness. Just because you stand under a tree in the shadows does not mean that the sun is not still there.

My days now are filled with extreme ups and downs and if I am being honest I have more downs than ups. My arms still physically ache to hold Asher in them and my heart aches knowing that will never happen this side of Heaven. It is frustrating to know that I want to hold Luke and Ben with my aching arms but due to physical limitations due to my surgery I am still not fully able to do that. I also feel as though I need to sob. Just weep. Also due to the incision I have yet to actually do this. I have cried...I cry a lot...many times a day really, but I have not actually let it all out and that will have to wait until the physical healing can take place. I desperately want time with my husband so we can talk and grieve together but he is back at work. These are just some of my shadowy areas.

All of that said I also see the light. I see that light in Luke and in Ben. I am so thankful to have them. They make me smile which is no easy feat these days. I am thankful for the light of my amazing husband who has put aside his own needs completely to care for our children and me. He truly is a Godly man who I am so blessed to have. We have been lifted up and so loved by our amazing church family and all of our dear friends and new Internet friends :-) The love and light of Christ shines beautifully through everything around us and it daily reminds me that despite my feelings, God is there. He was there yesterday and he will be there tomorrow. Not only is he there but he knows our hurts and has cared for our every need, placing just the right people in our path along the journey. I am more certain than ever that God is ever present. My lousy feelings in no way reflect my faith. They are two entirely separate entities.

I am learning that it is OK to have these feelings as long as my trust in God remains steadfast. I will chose to trust God's Word as opposed to my own feelings. SO, though I am struggling and longing to be with my sons in Heaven I am so thankful for all of the glimpses of light God brings to me in the midst of my darkness.

Thank you all for bringing me glimpses of light!

14 comments:

Kenzie Stanfield said...

Kristy-

Your words say it all! I too have felt those confusing feelings of a very sorrowful heart and a tear-stained face, and wondering if it is my faith. Like you said, they are two different entities... just like the Book of Hope said in one of the devotions... it's okay to be sad, that is NOT showing a lack of faith, it is showing that we are human. Even Christ wept!

As much as you feel like you are struggling, I know that you are also surviving, and doing very well at it. Those precious boys you have there with you, oh how I'm sure they can bring a smile to your face. Howard has been wonderful and you WILL have that time together to grieve... Continue what you are doing. Focus on the truths of God's Word and on the promise that he will walk with you, carry you as He has. I am so proud of how you continue to live for the Lord and delight in His promises, even when they are hard to swallow.

I love the dandelion and all the beautiful pictures of your baby boy.

Praying for you each day and so much more!
Love,
Kenzie

Laurie said...

Oh Kristy,

One thing I know for sure is that there is pain and sorrow in this valley of shadows you are in right now. It is sad, it hurts deep, such a huge loss. It is all so new and so real like for Kenzie and Kim and the other girls in this with you. I love your heart for God at this hardest time, knowing He is there with you under the pain, holding you up. Your faith is a blessing to me and I pray for you daily. I will be thankful for your body to heal for you so that you can share all the love you have for your boys with them. I think of Happy Asher every day, so precious and perfect, just as Gods love is for you.

Love and Hugs today, Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...

Kristy -
I do not know you but feel your pain. How I wish God said we would never walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Instead He said we would but that He would accompany us. I think the best thing about knowing Him is that ultimately I do not have to question 'Why' as someone who does not know Him. I can rest knowing He does have a reason, I may not know it this side of heaven but that I CAN always trust His heart. Feelings are deceitful, very real unfortunately. Thank you for sharing yours and your faith and for being a blessing to me today.

happy gram said...

i think the cultures where people wail and fall to their knees screaming their pain and grief out loud have it right - some time you find a solitary place to do that. and God will be right there with you. prayers, j

Anonymous said...

Kristy,

My heart is heavy with you...I wish I could offer you a hug...I will continue to lift you up in my prayers. The Lord is with you...in all your days, whether they be dark or full of sunshine. Your faith is obvious...it is a beautiful thing. We are human and tears can be very healing and healthy...one day at a time dear soul... one day at a time.

My thoughts are with you...God bless.
Trisha
San Diego

Zac and Jenny said...

I don't have any great words of wisdom today (or probably any day for that matter)... but I do want you to know that I care about you my friend! -Jenny

Anonymous said...

((Hugs)) and prayers Kristy...For every second of every minute of every hour of the day.

Emi

Emily said...

Oh I love your heart. Thank you for the sweet reminder to ME that He is always here. Always. And I needed that reminder. I am praying for you in your brokenness. You can sing Miller Grace's song until you believe it if you want... It's Going to Be Alright by Sara Groves. :)

Katy said...

I wish I could take away your pain..There is NOTHING wrong with crying and showing emotions, may this bring you to prayer and to joy. I pray that your husband and two boys that are there to hug (and hopefully held soon) bring you strength and smiles through your tears every day.

Melissa Dovel said...

love your last 2 posts. I need to tell you about your dandelion. Years ago I was blessed enough to work in a ped. (skilled) nursing home. There was a baby Lizzy- She was born to a teen aged mother who hid her pregnancy and did not tell anyone that her water broke for several days and through an infection little Lizzy was born with a range of problems. Her family signed this sweet baby over to the state- some how directives were made at about 8mo. old for "comfort measures" only. I feel in mad love with Lizzy the moment she came into our facility. I would go out and buy her cute things to wear, disposable diapers for her sensitive sweet skin- I stayed with her for every surgery, held her through every recovery, cried for every infection and new diagnosis. She was loved deeply by so many people in that place. Winter came and Lizette became very sick by this time I had to leave my job cause my husband had been transfered from IL to IN. I still traveled back and forth to be with her. That winter she died at 1 week shy of her first birthday. I was called in the middle of the night by my friends to come if I wanted to kiss her good bye. I held her all night long as her feaver went higer and higher and no one could understand how she was still alive. I went back to my hotel at noon the next day to shower and eat and 5 minutes after I left I got the phone call. In the hard days to follow I learned that the state would pay $365.00 to burry this baby. I wont go into details but the Lord provided and this child had it all- When I went to buy her something to be burried in I saw the most beautiful yellow dress that I knew would look precious against her perfectly tanned (hispanic) skin. The flowers I ordered for her casket were to be pink, pink, and more pink cause shes a girl and I love pink. The florist showed up with tons and tons of yellow flowers! I was pleased cause I knew the Lord was blessing me with something simply special. This past November marks 13 years since I held her, smelled her, kissed her or changed her sweet little diaper. Not a day goes by that I dont think about her but it seems to me that no matter where I am or what the season- I constantly am reminded with fields of yellow in some form or another and I can feel her all over again. I believe the Lord is blessing you with something much larger than you realize with your sweet dandelion. I know that this child was not mine but I cared for her as though she was and I know that when I go to heaven I WILL hold her again. Be abundantly blessed with your sweet gift. sorry for the long post.

Blessings
Melissa

Cynthia & J-L said...

Thank you for your honesty. I understand this:

People ask..."So how are you feeling?"
My response... "OK."
REALITY: I am not alright!

more than I wish I did.

walkingbyfaith said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I can't even begin to find words to comfort or strengthen you, but I want you to know I'm praying for your family. I am so encouraged by your faith and strength in the Lord.

Blessings..

Melissa Dovel said...

I know I already "over" posted if thats what it is:) I know also that I do live in Texas- I see dandelions EVERY WHERE! and they do make me happy:)

Blessings

So Blessed said...

"I will chose to trust God's Word as opposed to my own feelings."

I'm thankful you know this precious truth and choose to follow it. May you be comforted and strengthened by God's Word and by the prayers of all of us who lift you to the Lord during this difficult time.