Trusting God

Today has been another difficult day in the Bolte household. Toward the end of our trip Luke began to come down with a cold and Benjamin now has it and Ben doesn't deal well with colds. They both have a horrible cough and this has prevented Benjamin from sleeping. I was up with him ALL night last night. He was so restless that neither of us slept. And then today was my first full day home alone with the boys since having Asher. I too am beginning to catch a cold and at the appointment yesterday the doctor said that it would be two more weeks before he would recommend my taking over my normal activity.

So I am exhausted, sore and not feeling well. I have been having a really difficult time emotionally as well, but I must say again that God certainly answers my prayers and puts the right people in my path at just the right time. We have been and continue to be fully taken care of. I didn't have to worry about dinner as I had a freezer meal in the freezer from one of the great MOPS moms from my MOPS group at the Federated Church. (Thank you to ALL who have provided meals, I am working on sorting out all of your dishes to be returned :-) ) I also got a package in the mail from a dear friend from my college days that had a great book I had been looking for in it and a worship CD. This truly lifted my spirits as well. It amazes me that this particular friend and I have been out of contact until just a couple of months before Asher was born and she seems to always know the right thing to send or say at the exact perfect moment...no doubt God brought her back into my life at this time for a reason! Thanks Lauren!

I also got a phone call today from someone I don't know terribly well but she seemed to have some of the exact words I needed to hear today. She reminded me that while circumstances change, our God never does. As I have shared with you all I am strugglng with what to do as far as growing our family and birth control. Long ago Howard and I decided that we would welcome with open arms ANY child God gave us in any way he chose. We always knew adoption or foster care was an area we were both pulled toward and still are. We are exploring that option, though it seems terribly daunting. We also decided long ago when it came to birth control it was not up to us or about what we wanted, but more about what God wanted. Sometimes we all get so caught up in the "right time" or what is "right for us" that we forget that we have NO idea what is best for us. God has a plan and this life is NOT about us, it is about what we can do for Him and for His Kingdom. We have submitted ourselves to be used in ANY way God sees fit and that has not changed.

Sure, right now we are broken and hurting. Some days hit me like a brick wall while other days I am able to rejoice in the fact that God has given us many gifts even though some have just been for a moment, their impact remains for eternity. We have known love in a way many will never experience. We have learned to love without reservation or limit. We have learned that there are so many things in this world that we allow to occupy our time that simply don't matter. We have learned to trust in God's sovereign plan even when we don't particularly like it, and we have learned that God does answer all prayers. Each of our four children have enriched our lives in a way we never imagined and I cannot imagine preventing God from doing that work in our lives ever again. So as for right now I am not ready to carry another child physically. ( I have carried four babies in four years) We will keep our eyes on Him and if and when he decides to bless us with another miracle we will rejoice no matter what the outcome.

All pregnancies come with uncertainty. There are no guarantees. Actually we are not even sure yet that the boys' issues are linked. It would seem that they are as they had many similarities but Asher had many signs of chromosome abnormalities also. Isaac's only "abnormality" was his brain, so we are waiting on those test results to find out a true diagnosis. Either way though I would not change having any of my children for anything and I know God will lead us in the right direction no matter what it is. So as for now we will rest and be still waiting for direction from our Creator. He and only He knows the answer to this question and in his perfect timing he will reveal the answer. We know he creates no accidents and His word says that ALL children are gifts, not just physically healthy ones. Carrying Asher was a gift. I was given the gift of time with him that no one else experienced the way I did.

When speaking witht the doctor yesterday about the future he informed me that should we decide to have more children we could have testing done at 11 weeks to determine if the fetus would have this disability or not and we could terminate the pregnancy early if it did. I told him that that wasn't even an option. You see either way I would be a mom losing a baby. Whether at 11 weeks or 33 Asher was my son. God gave him to me to love and protect and that is just what I tried to do. I would do it again in a minute. There is something incredibly sacred about carrying a child you don't expect to live. I learned to love in a way I never knew possible and still do not understand. I was able to appreciate the time I was given knowing that even if my pregnancy was the only time God gave me that I loved and protected him as fully as any mother could. So in the end...it isn't up to us. It is up to God. I know many families who have taken birth control measures and still get pregnant. I think what we all need to remember that we must seek Him first and he will ALWAYS guide us on the right path.

So, I guess through all of this rambling I am just saying that I have been reminded today (thank you Corrine) that if we truly trust God, decisions should not be this tough. When the time comes we will seek Him first and we cannot go wrong. Please pray that in His time God will reveal this plan to us clearly and that we are able to follow Him and not our own plans or wants. Because afterall...It is not about us!