Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Random thoughts for today...

Last night we went to a support group meeting for parents who have lost a child. We have been a part of this organization since Isaac died and it is an amazing group of people. It is great to go and share with others who truly understand. Some are walking ahead of us and some behind and yet it is amazing to have perspectives from the entire journey of grief.

We had not intended to go last night but found out that they were going to talk about the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization. This is the organization of amazing photographers who donate their time to take pictures for families enduring infant loss. We are the first family in our area to use the organization and wanted to be able to share the impact our photographer had on our hearts.

One of my greatest regrets with Isaac was that I only had 7 pictures of him. I was praying not to have to walk that road again, but if that was the path God chose I wanted to have more tangible memories of our son. Memories fade and pictures are such a great way to bring back images of an important event and our children's births certainly qualify! I am a huge picture person and so having the pictures Kenny took for us has been such a comfort at a time when not much comforts me. He was so caring and flexible and really captured the day on film in a way I hadn't even dreamed of.

So, we wanted to share that experience with others hoping that if we get the word out about this organization families will no longer have to cling to a few or even no pictures of their child. And we went. I wasn't sure I was ready to do that just yet but figured if anyone would understand it would be this fine group of people. I was right. But I have to say I am still somewhat surprised at how well I did. I am not sure if I am still in shock or just numb, but I was not the basket case I had imagined myself to be. I spoke of Asher and shared his story and how NILMDTS had touched our lives and hearts and of course got teary but never lost it. I was able to smile and talk of the love Asher brought to us and how thankful I am that God chose us to be his parents.

I am sure it will sound silly but as we drove home I felt guilty that I hadn't cried more...I mean a mom who just lost her son two weeks ago should probably be a wreck, so did this mean I wasn't grieving him or that my heart was healed, or that I didn't care? Obviously not, but I still felt guilty. I mean I think the toughest thing for me about being around other people right now is wondering what their expectations for me are.

As I am around others and they see me smile and laugh, will they think I have forgotten or that I am in a crazy state of denial? If I cry will they feel uncomfortable because they feel I may just fall completely to pieces at any moment? I know I should not be so concerned about what others are thinking. I know how deep my love for all of my boys is and how much I miss Isaac and Asher. I also know that though I miss them, I will see them again and they are in a far better place and will never know the pain and misery of this world.

I wonder about the many friends and family who don't call...is it because they think we went off the deep end? or is it simply that they don't know what to say or do? I am assuming it is the latter of the two and I want to say this...If you are thinking of calling, CALL! If I don't feel like talking, I won't answer the phone, and that does happen sometimes, but I have caller ID and it is good to know you called anyhow. Please know you don't have to have any magic words for me. If you have questions about Asher or how we are doing please just be open with us and ask. I have found that it makes me feel so much better and willing to talk when the person I am talking with is just open and honest and not feeling uncomfortable. If you ask something I am not comfortable with I will tell you. (though I cannot even think of what that might be, as I am an open book most of the time!)

So, please continue to pray for us as we continue on the healing journey. Right now we are contemplating taking a vacation this coming week as Howard has off and we feel that it would be good for us to get away from the distractions of home and just get to be together as a family, yet aren't sure that that is a wise decision especially financially. So please pray that we make a decision that will help us to heal and enjoy each other whether it is at home or somewhere else.

Words are never enough, but thank you all for praying, sending beautiful cards and thoughts our way and especially for the dinners! You are all amazing and I thank you so much for loving us and lifting us up each and every day. Pray for God to continue working in and through us, using Isaac and Asher's amazing lives to help others see the power of God.

My verse for today is this:

"Teacher," his disciples asked him, "Why was this man born blind?" "Was it a result of his own sins or those of his parents?" "It was not because of his sins or his parents sins", Jesus answered. "He was born blind so the power of God could be seen in him." John 9:2-3

I am finding each and every day that though I still miss my boys in a way that is unimaginable to most, I am at peace. I find that the weaker I am the harder I am forced to lean on our big and mighty God. The harder I lean on Him the more I learn about his incredible strength and I am sure it will sustain me even in my weakest moment so long as I continue to lean on Him. I am learning more about the fact that not all struggles are brought to a person out of punishment, but rather as God chosing to use that person for his awesome purpose and I am more and more excited each day that God is using my family!

11 comments:

JuJu - said...

thinking of you and praying too:)

Your strength is amazing.

Laurie said...

Hi Kristy,

You can be sure that God is using your family to draw people to him. I have been so blessed in following you through waiting for Happy, the ups and downs and your honesty about each situation. I have learned from you as I prayed for a miracle, a healing and I learned to not stop asking, knowing His Will is perfect in the end. I would call you if I had your phone # and just listen to you talk if you picked up the phone. I wouldn't have any words that would change things, but I would listen to you tell me all about Asher and the brief but beautiful time you had with him. He is a gift to you and to so many who waited. Thank you so much for sharing his life with us. I am blessed by it and continue to be blessed by you. My prayers continue for you as you miss him deeply. I miss him too.

Love and Prayers, Laurie in Ca.

Lannea said...

Hi Kristy,
I am glad that you went to the meeting, I am sure it was a blessing to those who did not know about NILMDS. Asher's pictures are amazing. It captures his light and beauty. Our God is an Awesome God, he made Asher so perfect! You are human and you are allowed to laugh and smile, cry and scream. No one should judge your feelings...don't worry about what others think (easier said than done!)We love ya!
Prayers and thoughts with you always, Lannea, Eric & Norah

Sonja said...

Kristy,

I have been following your site for a couple of weeks now. I am praying that you and your family find the time and place to spend together and relax some. Our God is a MAGNIFICANT God!!!!! Thank you for sharing your verse with me. I had been thinking of that very same verse but could not remember its place in the bible. (I'm not a memory person)

Your little Asher (happy) and your whole family has brought such joy to me as I read how the Lord is working through you and your little angel to reach others. Often times, I limit what I think God can do. Not intentionally but I just can't fathom how awesome HE really is ih our world terms. My heart feels His love and your little angel and your family has shared with me and given me strength in my own beliefs. Thank you.

May God hold you in His arms.

Love in Christ
Sonja

Cynthia & J-L said...

That organization sounds fantastic. And I think I will go and read that passage in the Bible. I've been struggling a bit with the knit me in my mother's womb passage. I've always thought it was beautiful but lately I've just been wondering: So, did His knitting needles slip for a moment? But, your passage seems more hopeful at the moment.

Melissa Dovel said...

Kristy,

Your words always amaze me:) I pray that He continues to bring you peace and that you continue to seek His perfect word that speaks to your giref at any and every stage. I think its so easy to want to shut down and shut out everyone including God when your broken- I have not witnessed you doing that. You will continue to move forward with awesome testimony from both Issac and Asher. I pray for you every day and in my prayer I ask that every day you are able to physically love your two boys here a little tighter and closer. I am sure you have so many friends who just want to give you exactly what you want and need at every moment to help even just a little and sometimes thats a hard thing to determine how. I like your blogger friend Laurie would love to call you and I personally could talk about your sweet baby for hours I feel like we have a small window into your heart through your blog:)

Praying for your family week too!
Melissa

Anonymous said...

I have been pondering joining the NILMDTS organization as a photographer for several months now, but unable to make the move. I'm affraid I may be too close to the situation since I have lost a child myself. I'm still pondering. I was never talked to about it when my Brendan died. So I have 3 pictures of him. I'm so glad you had the state of mind and forthought to find them and have them help you. And I am glad that you have found some small comfort in the photographs.
I have been praying for healing and have asked Jesus to wrap his arms around you and your family. I remember all of those feelings you are describing. You always feel like you are walking a tight rope. You don't want to make others feel uncomfortable, at the same time you need room to grieve as you see fit. And everyone does it differently.
Just know that you are all in my prayers and thoughts, and that you are all loved .
Kristen

Suzanne said...

Hello,

I found your blog through JuJu. I have resisted leaving a comment as I just couldn't figure out what to say. I will just offer you my heartfelt sympathy, and tell you that I cried along with you many times throughout your story. I have said a prayer for you and your family, and have a tremendous respect for your amazing faith and strength.
Your pictures of Asher were beautiful.
God bless,
Suzanne

Kenzie Stanfield said...

Kristy-

I'm SO happy that you went last night to the meeting. I think it is incredible that you could share your journey of love with Asher and how amazing the NILMDTS group is... I was equally impressed with our photographer and we have pictures that we will forever treasure. I know it is SO hard to not cry sometimes when you think you should... but like so many people have told me too... I guess we shouldn't worry about what others think. I have to keep repeating that to myself over and over because it is so hard and all of those questions continue to enter my mind too... BUT, the Lord is giving us strength for each day, each moment.

I know that through these unimaginable circumstances you find yourself in again, God is still good, and He IS using you and your precious family in a mighty way.

Much love and continued prayers as you decide the best plans for your family this upcoming week to spend a little time healing.

Love you!
Kenzie

PS- I'm so glad you mentioned the CALL if you feel like calling... BRING UP his name if you feel like asking... I too would much rather discuss it all than to feel like none of this happened. It's too big, too much to just go on in silence.

laughing out loud said...

Kristy,
I have been thinking about you guys and wanted to share something from my own expirience. Almost 18 months ago I lost our fourth child through a really tramatic ectopic rupture. Then, six months ago my sister-in-law took her own life with a single gun shot.
During those trying times, one thing stayed on my mind...whatever, whenever, how ever often, in any circumstance or location, meltdowns, tears, laughter or the like were "my normal" And no one could tell me if it was appropriate or not for them, because it was for me. I took to heart the verses in Ecc 3, time to weep,time to laugh, to dance, for war and for peace, etc. But most of all, I took to heart that the Lord saw fit to not list them in a, "you must feel each of these in a certain order for a certain length of time, in front of certain people."
Kristy, embrace them all. Feel them all. They are all just as important as the other. They are your new normal and they will forever be apart of this journey.

As for Disney, I will pray that you follow the Lord and His will for this season of your journey.

Love and Prayer to the Family
April

Nicole A. said...

Kristy,

I have been feeling guilty for not leaving you comments - although I've been reading your blog almost daily for the last couple of months now. I just get caught up in the everyday things in life and don't MAKE the time to comment - please forgive me. You are in my thoughts & prayers more than you know. Being that I'm still pregnant and have a few more weeks to go; I worry if I will be able to bring my baby home with me from the hospital - mostly because of what happened to you and Suzie. I recently bought our daughter's baby book, but haven't started it yet and wonder if I will "jinx" myself if I start jotting things down because YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN. Life is scary at times. My heart continues to break for you and your family and I just pray that God will give you the strength that you need to get through each and every day. Please know that I am thinking & praying for you all. Take good care and I hope whatever choice you make for Howard's vacation will be one that you will enjoy and not regret.

Love, Nicole