Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Searching for our new normal...

We had a few errands to run today and so we left the house to get a few things done. As I have said before it is strange to leave the comfort of our home. I had a few things to return to Target and Ben had fallen asleep in the car so Howard stayed in the car with Ben while Luke and I went into Target. We had a few things to pick up like diapers for Ben so we went to the baby section. Luke spotted a bouncey seat that he thought would be great for Asher. He had forgotten that Asher was no longer in my belly. He said "Mom, Happy Baby will love this when he comes out and comes home." I explained again that Happy Baby would not be coming home to our house. He had gone to Heaven and we would never see him again until we reach Heaven. Luke thought for a minute and asked if God would ever give us another baby that we could bring home to our house. I was floored. I began to cry in Target.

The truth is I had no idea what to say to Luke and it is a question I pondered myself. We have always wanted a big family but now with 50% of our children in Heaven, I am not sure what to think. I love pregnancy and everything that comes with it and comes after it. I desperately want to get pregnant again someday and have another baby we can bring home. I am not sure however that my heart can handle this again and there would likely be that risk. We are still waiting for test results, but it is likely that we carry a recessive gene for microcephaly. That would mean about a 1 in 5 chance of having another baby with microcephaly. We have discussed adoption many times but it will be a long while before we can financially make that happen. So I am not sure what the future will bring.

So all I could say to Luke was, "well buddy, we will see. We will have to pray to God and see what happens." He seemed unsure of my answer. He said he really wanted to have another baby at home (though I must admit most of the time I think he would sell Benjamin to the lowest bidder!).

My heart is so heavy these days. I know that my mind cannot even begin to fathom God's plan, but it just seems so unjust that a family who so desperately wants a baby to love would have not one but two little ones taken from them while there are so many women out there choosing to abort unwanted healthy babies. We would have loved Asher even if he would have had special needs. Studies show that when an abnormality is found on a sonogram about 80 to 90 percent of women choose to "terminate the pregnancy". We are not just talking defects that would be "incompatible with life". We are talking about minor defects that can be fixed also!

I know I am whining and I know that we will not see justice this side of Heaven. I know that the God we serve is in fact a just God, a loving God, a compassionate God. Today though, the mommy part of me is hurting. Hurting because I want my boys with me. ALL of my boys. I never imagined having to purchase two cemetery plots instead of two college educations.

I am struggling to find out who I am these days. I am still the same person yet dramatically changed. I can already see relationships in my life changing. Some seem to die off while others are blossoming. It is scary to me yet I know these things happen. Many of the things I once thought were so important are now completely meaningless. I am amazed daily at the phone calls, cards, gifts and meals we receive. The hands and feet of Jesus are at work and it is awesome to witness so many people sharing the love and compassion that our Heavenly Father so freely gives to us. Some day soon I will share my thoughts on the events of Sunday and Monday. Right now I am still processing. I can say that I believe we celebrated Asher's life in a way that would be pleasing to him and that I am astounded at the willingness of our entire church family to pitch in and make it happen.

I thank each and every one of you who is still praying for us. We are adjusting but will need your continued prayer. We truly love all of you!

31 comments:

Emily said...

Love you.

Anonymous said...

You are a beautiful writer--thanks for sharing with us, even in your grief. I will continue to pray for you and your family. One day at a time . . .
Symona

Laurie said...

Love you Kristy and praying for you, Howard and the boys today. May He hold your heart of a mommy in His loving arms and rock you with His peace.

Laurie in Ca.

mom2LEAA said...

I came to your blog through another and have been following your story for about a month. I wish I had words that would comfort you, but all I can say is that God is holding you in the palm of his hand. May you feel the love of all of those praying for you and the love that God is showering on you and your family. May the days to come bring you God's peace and may you feel the strength of all of those known and unknown praying for your healing.

Cindy, mom to Lindsey, Emily, Andrew and Abigail

leese said...

Your beautiful son has touched more people's hearts in his short life than some who live to be 80.

Your family has shown a grace like none I've ever witnessed.

I'm continuing to keep you all in my prayers.

Renee' said...

My nine year old son also asked me (after a miscarriage) if God would give us another baby. At the time I didn't know if it was possible (we had tried for 6 years to get pregnant with the one we lost). I remember thinking that if God was looking at Luke's broken heart, that He surely had a plan to make him a big brother some day. And 2.5 years later He did just that. I hope and pray that our loving Heavenly Father does the same for your sweet boy as He did for mine!

MrsWeed616 said...

You say that you struggle with feeling & being strong, but you have an inspirational strengh that is as amazing as you are! We thank both you & Howard for sharing your pain with us because it has truly helped to put our lives & future together into perspective. I am so thankful to you for that & for all that you continue to do! We love all of you so very much & deeply hope that you know that we are always here for all of you! Love Forever & God Bless, Amy & Steve

Anonymous said...

You don't know me, I live in London, England and found your blog somehow a couple weeks ago. I've read every post from beginning to end.

I am so sad that about Asher and Isaac. I know nothing I say will help but I wanted you to know that your faith has really changed me.

I have my own journey that has increased my faith and I praise God for that but reading your blog has taught me so much. Thank you for sharing your heart so openly.

I know you are grieving and may be struggling with God's plan but I'm sure He is so proud of you for clinging to your faith through this. I'm certain God is so proud of you, His daughter.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know how much I have appreciated your words and thoughts. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Bolte Family,
We love all of you. You are on our list of people we pray for each night. Take care and know that your family is loved. Amy

Wendi said...

I was led to your blog from Adopting William's blog and to that from Blogs for a Cause. As I sit here weeping for your precious broken hearts, I pray for the healing of your family and for those you will be able to touch that many of us never will.

Because I don't know you, I have no right to assume that you want any information on affording adoptions, but saw your comment and wanted to refer you to this article that I found fascinating when we were contemplating our own adoption. Just whenever you're ready, here is the link to some great information: http://thevoiceofadventure.blogspot.com/2007/10/free-adoption-money.html

So Blessed said...

Praying for you and your family tonight.

Jessica said...

Praying for you tonight

Audre said...

I was led to your blog from three other blogs. And I just have to say what an amazing mother and wife you are. I am a mother of special needs son, and I carry the gene that makes him the way God intended for him to be. I cannot fathom losing two babies. My heart and prayers go out to you. Please know that God loves you and whenever you ask He will wrap his amazing arms around you and just hold you.

A sister in Christ from Buckeye, Arizona

Kenzie Stanfield said...

Praying for you all tonight Kristy!

Love you,
Kenzie

The Adoption Of William said...

Thank you for continuing to share your feelings with us. I pray for you each day and pray that the Lord heals your heart.

With much love,

Jen

Margarete said...

Please, never think that you are whining. I am glad you have the courage to tell what is in your heart. My goodness, you are a loving wife and mommy who has gone through alot, to say the least. We all love you. Like I always write, I always pray for you.
Margarete

Valerie said...

Praying for you today!

Kee said...

You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Laurie said...

Thinking about you and Howard this morning and praying for you. Broken hearts cry out in sorrow and pain, it is never considered whining to express your hearts sorrow. I am hurting with you Kristy, asking God to hold you tight to His heart.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

The VW's said...

My heart aches when I read your posts. You express your feelings so well. I hope that sharing them is helpful to you. I know that it's helpful to those who read your updates. I have often wondered similiar thoughts of why parents who would love and care for their babies lose them and then there are those who choose abortion who don't even want them! It doesn't seem fair, but I do know that God's plan is best and that He has a great purpose in your family and others! I believe He chose you to do a very important job and that you are doing it so well! Many would not share the facts that you mentioned and many would not share their knowledge, love and trust in God! Thankyou for being the voice that so many need to hear!

I continue to pray for your family daily. I pray that God will give you the strength, peace, love and grace that you need today and always. God Bless You!

petebon5 said...

praying w/out ceasing from my heart to you and your bonny in TX..i am so sorry for what you are going through.

Tracy Stanley said...

I'm not sure how I found you, but I've been following your story for a few months. I know I am a total stranger, and will probably never meet you, but I wanted you to know that I am praying for you and for your family.

Melissa said...

There was a story about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep on the Today show today. I immediately thought of you!
May God pour His love on you and yours as you continue to grieve your sons.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/23481435#23481435

Melissa
St. Louis, MO

Mama10EE said...

Bolte Family,

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful slideshow of Asher with the world. He was a beautiful baby, and your photographer captured the immense love in the room that day.

Continuing to pray for your family.

Anonymous said...

I continue to pray for you all. It's ok to feel the way you do..it's so okay...I was reading today about Asher in Deuteronomy and the blessing Moses spoke over him. I immediately thought of your dear Asher.

Sometimes i forget to put my name cause I post this as anonymous. But I am reading and praying for you all.

Emi Nelson

Anonymous said...

Your blog makes me cry, I am glad that you can explain how you are feeling and the things you are going through. I pray that God will continue to show you the answers you seek, and to give you peace. I wish I could give you a big hug, and be there, a support to you. I pray that you are able to take comfort in the boys you do have at home that there hugs would help fill some of the emptiness, I know you are feeling :(

Rachael
(cafemom)

Anonymous said...

Kristy, Asher's slide show is amazing, he was a beautiful baby boy.

Rachael
(Cafmom)

Devin said...

Kristy,

I was reading my Bible for my devotions today, and a verse that the Lord brought me to just absolutely screamed, "You have to share this with Kristy." I mean, I read it and immediately my mind jumped to you....I am sure someone has pointed it out to you already, (if you hadn't already found it on your own), but I wanted to encourage you with it today anyway.

Psm 34:17-18: "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenheared and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

He loves you so much. He will guide you thru this amazingly difficult time....and I will continue to pray for you and your family.

Devin in Illinois

Court said...

Praying for you right now....

Melissa Dovel said...

Just wanted to let you know that I am still praying for you. I hope that its ok I did post on my blog and ask others to pray for your family right now. I did not link or say your names- you can go and read it if you would like for me to change any part of it. Peace to your heart and your family's as well. I am sure everyone has their own part of hurting right now.

Hugs and prayers,
melissa

Miranda said...

I am praying for you