Searching for our new normal...

We had a few errands to run today and so we left the house to get a few things done. As I have said before it is strange to leave the comfort of our home. I had a few things to return to Target and Ben had fallen asleep in the car so Howard stayed in the car with Ben while Luke and I went into Target. We had a few things to pick up like diapers for Ben so we went to the baby section. Luke spotted a bouncey seat that he thought would be great for Asher. He had forgotten that Asher was no longer in my belly. He said "Mom, Happy Baby will love this when he comes out and comes home." I explained again that Happy Baby would not be coming home to our house. He had gone to Heaven and we would never see him again until we reach Heaven. Luke thought for a minute and asked if God would ever give us another baby that we could bring home to our house. I was floored. I began to cry in Target.

The truth is I had no idea what to say to Luke and it is a question I pondered myself. We have always wanted a big family but now with 50% of our children in Heaven, I am not sure what to think. I love pregnancy and everything that comes with it and comes after it. I desperately want to get pregnant again someday and have another baby we can bring home. I am not sure however that my heart can handle this again and there would likely be that risk. We are still waiting for test results, but it is likely that we carry a recessive gene for microcephaly. That would mean about a 1 in 5 chance of having another baby with microcephaly. We have discussed adoption many times but it will be a long while before we can financially make that happen. So I am not sure what the future will bring.

So all I could say to Luke was, "well buddy, we will see. We will have to pray to God and see what happens." He seemed unsure of my answer. He said he really wanted to have another baby at home (though I must admit most of the time I think he would sell Benjamin to the lowest bidder!).

My heart is so heavy these days. I know that my mind cannot even begin to fathom God's plan, but it just seems so unjust that a family who so desperately wants a baby to love would have not one but two little ones taken from them while there are so many women out there choosing to abort unwanted healthy babies. We would have loved Asher even if he would have had special needs. Studies show that when an abnormality is found on a sonogram about 80 to 90 percent of women choose to "terminate the pregnancy". We are not just talking defects that would be "incompatible with life". We are talking about minor defects that can be fixed also!

I know I am whining and I know that we will not see justice this side of Heaven. I know that the God we serve is in fact a just God, a loving God, a compassionate God. Today though, the mommy part of me is hurting. Hurting because I want my boys with me. ALL of my boys. I never imagined having to purchase two cemetery plots instead of two college educations.

I am struggling to find out who I am these days. I am still the same person yet dramatically changed. I can already see relationships in my life changing. Some seem to die off while others are blossoming. It is scary to me yet I know these things happen. Many of the things I once thought were so important are now completely meaningless. I am amazed daily at the phone calls, cards, gifts and meals we receive. The hands and feet of Jesus are at work and it is awesome to witness so many people sharing the love and compassion that our Heavenly Father so freely gives to us. Some day soon I will share my thoughts on the events of Sunday and Monday. Right now I am still processing. I can say that I believe we celebrated Asher's life in a way that would be pleasing to him and that I am astounded at the willingness of our entire church family to pitch in and make it happen.

I thank each and every one of you who is still praying for us. We are adjusting but will need your continued prayer. We truly love all of you!