Thinking of my boys on Easter...

Today has been a tough day for me. I had a lot of time to think in the car and I did A LOT of thinking. I thought about the fact that today was my little sister's birthday and it would be Asher's one month birthday...I thought of how on February 22 we experienced an amazing gift, though physically just for a moment, in our hearts he will dwell forever.

It is difficult to think that my due date has not even come and gone yet, and as I have stated before the anticipation of how I will feel that day is heavy on my heart. As I looked at the family picture we had taken at Disney I realized that never in this lifetime will I EVER have a complete family picture. I love pictures and I LOVE having family pictures done, but after having Isaac it became tougher and tougher knowing there would always be someone missing...now there are two.

As Howard and I went shopping tonight we had fun picking out cute outfits for the boys for church tomorrow and a few fun things for their Easter basket (though they do not NEED another thing). And it is fun to do these things and yet it stings to know these are things I will never get to do for Asher or Isaac.

A month has passed and in some ways it seems like just yesterday I held our precious boy in my arms. I sit here tonight longing to hold him just one more time. I sit here angry that there are people in this world who mistreat children, sad that there ar children at this very moment starving and going without a warm place to sleep. My heart hurts that today a woman somewhere got a poor prenatal diagnosis and chose to end the pregnancy unaware that though that child may not be perfect, the love and gift of that child is perfect. I am not sure what to do with all of this!

Howard and I listened to an audio book, actually two on our trip, Steven Colbert's I am America and So Can You I have to say was great, but didn't prove to be as thought provoking as Brian McLaren's Everything Must Change: Jesus, Global Crisis and a Revolution of Hope. I highly recommend them both, but if Colbert isn't your thing, definitely McLaren's book! Howard and I have been really kind of overwhelmed and depressed about the state of this world and this book gave some great ideas and points to ponder. The world is so incredibly full of suffering! As a culture we have a tendancy to turn away from the needs of those around us and as Christians we have a tendancy to preach and push toward salvation which is great, but there are many people in the world living through Hell on Earth and could not care less about an afterlife. We first need to show love and compassion by helping the less fortunate in this life. God never intended for some people to have it all and others to have literally nothing. We are called to help the poor and suffering and yet it makes us uncomfortable so we look away. If only we all did what we could do to help the world could be a different place. Christians often say that the world is getting worse because that is what the Bible says it will do and yet McLaren argues that this is a self fulfilling prophecy in a way...a cop out. God doesn't just want us to throw up our hands and give up...he wants us to reach out and help those in need.

We happen to sponsor a child through Compassion named George. George is from Kenya and lives life in a way that is difficult for us to understand. We adopted George after Isaac died in his memory and it has been an AWESOME learning experience for Luke thus far. He looks at the picture of George in the frame in our living room with all his other brothers and he knows that that is our friend George in Africa, George writes him letters and colors him pictures. Luke is learning that life is more about what we give than what we receive, the world we live in is much bigger than what we see. He is learning it is not all about him. This is just one small thing we are doing to help make a difference and we want to do so much more. It is our hope someday to travel to Africa and serve the people there.

I know this post is kind of scattered tonight, but my heart is aching and I am trying to remember that this life is not all about me and my suffering, there are many out there suffering needlessly. There really isn't much anyone can do to help me but there are so many out there we CAN help. Tonight please pray for George and all of the other children out there needing so much. If God prompts you, check out the compassion website or World Vision website and see how you might be able to help even if it is simply by praying.

We appreciate your continued thoughts and prayers for our family and please keep them coming...in our experience with Isaac it was about a month after he died, when everything settled down that things got tougher. People quit calling and asking us about Isaac and that was more difficult than the first month when we felt so supported. It was like we had a month and we should be over it and on with life. We know this isn't how it happens. This blog and all of your comments and prayers have meant so much to my healing. Thank you all for supporting us!