Sunday, March 30, 2008

My heart is aching...

For some reason tonight is proving to be a very tough one for me. My heart is hurting so much. I for the first time actually went back tonight and read the first week of my blogging. It brought back so much. Many days I feel so weird it is like I am completely numb. Today that is not the case. Today it feels like a sword has pierced my heart and left me paralyzed and in agony. I have spent much time snuggling and loving my boys here on earth today. I am missing Isaac and Asher so much but am so thankful to be here with Luke and Ben. I know what it is like to grow up without a mom and I want my kids to have their mom. No other person can take the place of a mom or dad no matter how great they are or how hard they try. They need me much more than Isaac and Asher, they have Jesus.

Tomorrow is a church day. We've only been to church once since Asher died as we have either been sick or on vacation the other weeks. I love our church family and have been out and about but there is something about being outside of my home, my safe zone and headng to a place where we know so many people. Somehow that is harder and I cannot explain why. I know church is the place on this earth where we are the most loved. I cannot express with words the love we feel from our church family, and it is a BIG church. I guess it is fearing people won't know what to say to us...

So, if you are reading this and come into contact with us as we are out and about please don't be afraid to talk to us or ask how we are doing. Ask about our boys, all four of them. We are a family of six now. We will never again be five or four. In our hearts we are a family of six and we are always thinking of all of our children. Also, don't be afraid to cry in front of us. I have had several people apologize for this. In all honesty, your honesty and emotion makes me feel less alone. It makes me feel like many of you are carrying a small part of this for me. It lets me know that our boys are loved and thought of and that is so important.

7 comments:

Jessica said...

Praying for you, hope you have a peacefu time at church today.

Laurie said...

Kristy,

Thinking about you every day and asking the Lord to help you through. I am so sorry for the pain being so piercing today. If I were able to come in contact with you physically, I think the first thing I would do is wrap my arms around you and give you one of my "won't let go" HUGS. I would talk about all 4 of your boys openly with you, no matter how it hurt me. A year ago I could not have said this, but following and walking with so many of you girls now, I have learned so much from all of you about the importance of honesty in grief. I love children Kristy so I can honestly say that I love your boys though I've never met them. I know of them through your loving words of a mother written here. I hope you are embraced today when you are in church and that the Lord pours His love and compassion through everyone who sees you today. You are so approachable and loved.

Laurie in Ca.

happy gram said...

i go to church each sunday thinking this will be the sunday i don't cry. but i begin to sing songs whose lyrics are SO wondeful and whose music is so touching that i can't help it. i KNOW it is the Holy Spirit that creeps into my heart and allows me to weep unashamedly. and the weeping is also rejoicing because i KNOW that even though sometimes i "feel" lost i AM NOT. like the song this morning "You never let go" and He doesn't. i pray you feel the freedom to grieve as openly as you desire knowing He is weeping with you. much love, jan

Laura said...

Praying for you....I know how hard church can be. It's just the looks...keep being honest with those around you. So proud of you and wish I was able to give you a big hug! xo

Corie O'Brien said...

You are not alone. Your blog is so close to my own feelings right now. Trying to get to a new "normal" takes awhile, but God is walking on this path with us. Praying for you daily and walking with you also.
Corie O'Brien

Kim said...

Your family of 6 is such an inspiration-I can only imagine how difficult it would be to face everyone. My prayers are with you for support, comfort and peace.

Kenzie Stanfield said...

I love what you are sharing... I had a hard day yesterday for some reason too. Know that through all of this, you aren't alone and that there are SO MANY praying for you guys!

Love you so much!
Kenzie