My heart is aching...

For some reason tonight is proving to be a very tough one for me. My heart is hurting so much. I for the first time actually went back tonight and read the first week of my blogging. It brought back so much. Many days I feel so weird it is like I am completely numb. Today that is not the case. Today it feels like a sword has pierced my heart and left me paralyzed and in agony. I have spent much time snuggling and loving my boys here on earth today. I am missing Isaac and Asher so much but am so thankful to be here with Luke and Ben. I know what it is like to grow up without a mom and I want my kids to have their mom. No other person can take the place of a mom or dad no matter how great they are or how hard they try. They need me much more than Isaac and Asher, they have Jesus.

Tomorrow is a church day. We've only been to church once since Asher died as we have either been sick or on vacation the other weeks. I love our church family and have been out and about but there is something about being outside of my home, my safe zone and headng to a place where we know so many people. Somehow that is harder and I cannot explain why. I know church is the place on this earth where we are the most loved. I cannot express with words the love we feel from our church family, and it is a BIG church. I guess it is fearing people won't know what to say to us...

So, if you are reading this and come into contact with us as we are out and about please don't be afraid to talk to us or ask how we are doing. Ask about our boys, all four of them. We are a family of six now. We will never again be five or four. In our hearts we are a family of six and we are always thinking of all of our children. Also, don't be afraid to cry in front of us. I have had several people apologize for this. In all honesty, your honesty and emotion makes me feel less alone. It makes me feel like many of you are carrying a small part of this for me. It lets me know that our boys are loved and thought of and that is so important.