Monday, March 31, 2008

Half of my heart is in Heaven...

I sit here today in utter disbelief at the events have unfolded in the past five weeks. All of this seems so unreal much of the time. I often have a tendency to throw myself into other things in an attempt to redirect my attention to a less painful place. Avoidance seems to be the coping mechanism of choice for my family and I find myself often times choosing psycho cleaning to be my method of choice. Today has been no exception. Then Luke says to me..."do we have to clean EVERYTHING EVERYDAY?" I am realizing that in many ways I am choosing to avoid the feelings I am having because they hurt too much.

It is just that EVERYTHING serves as a reminder these days that half of my heart resides in Heaven. Yesterday we did go to church and actually it was great. A few people did approach us and ask how we are doing and gave hugs and that was great. My biggest fear is the person who will inevitably come up to me not knowing the situation only knowing I had been pregnant and ask where the baby is. It happened with Isaac and it was the most awkward situation. I felt horrible for the person who asked because she had no idea and meant well with her question. Thankfully that did not happen yesterday. We belong to a wonderful church who has cared for and lifed us up in ways we never knew we needed. It was good to be there. It was right where we should have been.

When we got home I ran to the grocery store. As I walked through the store I couldn't help but think...none of these people have a clue that I had a baby a month ago, none of them know how much I hurt both physically and emotionally. I saw a mom with an infant in her cart and couldn't help but think that that should be me! It is almost like I want to wear a sign that says "Be nice to me, my baby died" I know it sounds absurd but things will strike me at the strangest moment. Like, when I go to take a sip of wine at dinner and I think wow, it is great to be able to have a good glass of wine after four years of not drinking because I was pregnant or nursing, but then thinking...I shouldn't be able to have a drink now either. People who look at us see a family of four and yet we ARE a family of six! Many days I feel like I am just going plain crazy.

It is tough now too as things return to "normal" I feel more and more alone. The phone calls have pretty much stopped, the cards and letters have pretty much stopped and everyone is pretty much back to treating us as normal and not even asking about Asher or how we are doing. I know that these are all things that have to happen, but I am just not ready. It has made life so much easier knowing that we were not grieving alone and now it seems that I am grieving alone. Howard is a man of few words and he doesn't talk about Asher or Isaac either. I mean if I start the conversation he will gladly always listen, but seldom contributes. It is just how he has always been. He doesn't really say much but when he does his words are usually profound. I have no doubt that he misses our sons as much as I do, he is a dad though and dads and moms grieve differently. I don't honestly know what I would do without Howard. He is my best friend and one of God's greatest gifts in my life. I pray each night that God will not allow our difference in grieving to divide us in anyway, but to pull us closer together as our marriage is the foundation of this family and is of UTMOST importance. I know God will provide as long as we keep him the focus of our marriage.

I know that God holds my every tear in the palm of his hand and that he grieves with me even when I feel alone. The truth is I am never alone, none of us are. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that even in the darkest of nights, Jesus is a light. I know as I have written before that feelings are NOT reality. My prayer for today is that God would allow me to FEEL His mighty presence. I know he is there yet I am feeling empty and alone. I am just not how you walk around here on earth in a "normal" way when half of you is in Heaven. I am not even really sure who I am anymore. I am still Kristy, but I will never be the same Kristy and I am still figuring out what that means.

I have been reminded that we cannot put off for tomorrow what we should be doing today. I want to spend all of my days here on earth doing God's work. I want to do what He set me here to do and I want to glorify Him by my actions. I have not always been good at this. I am a constant screw up. I desperately want to be the wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter that He wants me to be and yet I still ALWAYS fall short. It amazes me that God loves me anyway.

I guess my struggle today is that I have never quite figured out how to be who God wants me to be and do what God wants me to do here on earth and I am even more puzzled as to how to do it when half of my heart resides here on earth and the other half is already in Heaven. God help me, help me to be the best wife to Howard and the best Mom to Luke and Ben. Help me be a friend to those who have been such great friends to me and to those who haven't. Help me mend broken relationships and be authentic. Help me to learn to listen closer to You so that I can follow your lead! Please continue to bless our family of six!

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Please accept my congrats on the birth of your beautiful son and also my deepest sympathy in your loss. I am glad that you are able to express yourself here. Please hang there.

Anonymous said...

I have followed your blog for many months now, and although I never usually comment, I thought I should let you know that I check in here daily (sometimes multiple times) and I am still grieving with you even though I never had the honor of meeting your precious Asher...or Isaac.

I will join you today in your prayer to feel God presence....

Many prayers and thoughts with you today and always....

dr_bristow said...

I am praying for you today.

Jessica said...

I wont pretend to know what your pain is like, all I know is my own struggles. I have mental battles in the grocery store too, watching all the prople who dont know me, seeing the babys. I too am trying to be the best of what God intends for me to be, and it seems most of the time I fail. As long as we keep trying, and keep loving God, that is what matters.
Praying for you

Meredith said...

Praying for you always......
Meredith/Orlando FL

Anonymous said...

I am another who has continued to read your blog every day. I also rarely leave comments but I lift you and your family up in prayer daily. I have never lost as greatly as you have, but I have experienced loss. In my experience, the hardest part came months after their death. After the funerals are over, and people stop calling, leaving food, sending cards, etc. it seems that life is supposed to go on as normal, except that it will never be "normal" for you again. Now you have to learn to live life without that person and that is when it really starts to hurt. Know that many people are still lifting you up in prayer. You and your boys have left an imprint on so many hearts--you will not be easily forgotten!

Laurie said...

Kristy,

I just want to tell you that you ARE exactly what God wants you to be right now. He knows your pain and He does not expect any more from you than you are able to give right now. You have done what He has asked of you, carrying two of the most loved and special babies here on earth, and then handed them back to Him. He knew He could trust you Kristy, no matter how much it broke your heart. Your heart is His and it is not always easy to follow Him, but you did. You can trust Him to lead you to the new normal that is to come. I am praying for your marriage to hold strong as you grieve each in your own way. I am praying for you as a family of six that the Lord leads you all through this valley into His light. Just do what you can each day and nothing more until you can catch your breath. You are so loved by me and you are in my prayers daily.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Katie said...

Tonight I am praying that you will FEEL yourself in the palm of his hand. That you will feel cradled in love, and that Asher and Isaac will send you down a tiny glimer of the joy they are experiencing. You will never feel like the same person...because you aren't the same person. Embrace that person! You forever will be a better person, a better mom, a more devout christian....because of those two special little boys in heaven. You are NOT alone! Just keep going...one foot in front of the other.
:)
-Katie

Anonymous said...

Kristy,
I know you don't know who I am but I go to your church and I listened to you during the True Human Stories... The situation you and your family are in reminds me so incredibly much of my own family. When I was 3 I would have had a little brother, Blake Andrew. He died in the womb and at that age I didn't understand what was going on at all, just that my mom and dad were very sad. Then, when I was in 4th grade my mom got pregnant again but she miscarried once more. That was my last chance at having one more younger sibling. These events affect me now more than ever. I still haven't exactly come to terms with why I don't have 2 little brothers instead of just 1. There are so many questions I have for God when I get to heaven but I'm just going to have to be patient until I can talk to Him face to face someday. I don't understand why He did this to us, but apparently it wasn't in His plan for my parents to have 3 children and that's ok. I know He has a reason for that. I may only be 17 but it worries me that I may go through the same type of things later in my life. If nothing else, just please know that you and your family are not alone! I kind of understand what you are going through, at least from a siserly point of view. Just keep going to God for eveything...He won't put you through anything you can't handle. Much love and God Bless!

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Sweet Kristy,
I am thinking of you tonight and feel what you are feeling, but we are doing it - we are living this nightmare out and still loving our God and trying to find ways to give him Glory. He is with us every step of the way even when we feel so alone. I am praying for God's healing for your heart, I am praying that all your needs and wants will be met. You are a blessing I am so thankful for your willingness to share yourself and your family with us.
With love and prayers,
Kim

Anonymous said...

I check your blog daily to see how you are healing. I read your entry and thought of "FootPrints".

You might not be able to go back to the old "normal", but take comfort in picking a whole new "normal".

Remember to have FAITH and keep your heart open.

-A

Anonymous said...

Loving you and praying for you....

Anonymous said...

I've read for months and only commented twice, but I just wanted you to know that yes, five weeks later, I am still reading. And I suspect I will be reading for a long time. I lost my baby girl four years ago, and for a variety of reasons, my grief was delayed, so I am still working through some of it even now.
I know there are so many people thinking of and praying for you - my hope will be that they remember to reach out and communicate their continuing thoughts with notes, emails, or calls in the coming months.

Anonymous said...

Dear Kristy,
"Be nice to me, my baby died" It is sad that our culture expects people to "get over" a death of a loved one in a few weeks or at least a few months! There are a few cultures where people where a particular piece of clothing or color to signify that they have experienced the death of a loved one. They wear that for a year! Even strangers on the street will comment how sorry they are for the person's loss and give the person a little more grace in the every day things. I think we should do that in our culture.
If your church does not have a GriefShare group, I encourage you and your husband to find one in your area. You can go to www.griefshare.org and type in your zipcode to find the closest group. It is solidly Biblically based and it would encourage your hearts. You can also sign up for an e-mail devotional for grieving people.
-- Carolyn in MD who continues to grieve with you and pray for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Kristy,

I commented as "anonymous" one comment before Carolyn in MD, and I just read her comment this morning (see, I told you I I check in on you every day). I want to second her suggestion about finding a group. I attend an infant and pregnancy loss support group at my church (although we have members from several other denominations), and it has been a Godsend - a sanity-saver for me. I joined about a year and a half after I lost my baby girl (which was about a year and a half too late!), as it was getting started. But most of our women have come to us within weeks or months of their loss. Just because our husbands have ended up grieving differently (and because of childcare needs), we have turned out to be a group of just women, but I think the concept is the same. These women have become some of my best friends. As I mentioned, my baby died four years ago, and no one thinks it odd at all that I am still grieving. We meet to remember our babies, talk about things we are feeling, say things exactly like "we wish we could tell everyone, be nice to me, my baby died!", and generally talk about our babies. You are right, after the first few weeks, or if you are lucky (isn't that a terrible use of the word!), people stop wanting to talk about our babies we have lost. But my group wants to talk about my baby girl even more than they want to talk about my live daughter sometimes!! And yes, I know my baby is safe is heaven and playing (or maybe watching out for) all or your babies, but I still miss her and grieve.
You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers,
Shellie

Kim said...

What a beautiful heart you have. Tears come as I read your words-so honest. My heart breaks for you and your sweet family. I think the way you describe your feelings must be completely normal. You amaze me. I am sorry you are without your Isaac and Asher. I pray for comfort for you all. I know God has great plans for the Bolte family-it is so exciting to watch and see them unfold.
Kim

Anonymous said...

Hi Krtisy,
I emailed you a few weeks ago but never received a reply...
3 months ago we lost our daughter to a genetic disease. She was our fourth child, the second one to pass away. For 8 intense weeks we cared for her at home and held her in our arms when she passed away. Our other daughter (our second child) passed away 4 years ago at 10 weeks. She spent that time in the hospital because we didn't know what was wrong with her, and she passed away just before the doctors diagnosed her. We also have had two healthy daughters, who are 6 and 3 now.
I really relate to what you write... half of my heart, half of our daughters, are in Heaven and I struggle with many of the same things you do...even with wanting to wear a sign(I've thought of that, too!) I was also struck by your blog about the desire to have more children but having to take so much more into consideration. To say that it is "between you and God" is not really true...so many others are affected if our baby happens to be the one in four with the disease. Our families, other children, church, friends, etc...are all affected by our decision.
I appreciate your blog because I have stopped writing in mine, only because it is difficult for me to put my pain into words... so to read yours is comforting- I'm not alone! I'm thankful for "finding" you and feeling that connection.
I will keep you in my prayers.
LV

Anonymous said...

When I say "you" I don't mean you personally... I mean when others say "you have to leave it between you and God" it seems like an easy answer...
but then again, perhaps my husband is right and I have issues with trusting God...
LV