Saturday, March 1, 2008

Anticipation....

It is my experience that the anticipation of an event is always worse than the event itself. Last week as I lay in a hospital bed anticipating the arrival of our precious Asher, all of the what ifs and how will I deal questions ran through my mind and in the end though the day was perfect. It was a difficult day but it is evident that God was in control and when I gave up trying to anticipate and try to gain some control things went beautifully.

Walking into the hospital last Thursday I was angry with God, as we walked across the street from the doctor's office, I remember saying to Howard, "I sure do wish God would just lay off a little bit and just let one thing go OUR way!" I was not ready to have my pregnancy be over. I wanted to do it Monday, that was the day WE chose and that was the day I would be "ready". I was impatient and frustrated all night at the hospital with the monitors and the tests. I was scared. I called all of the people who vowed to be there for us, Jeanne, Carol, and Kenny along with family so they were ready to be there as soon as the doctors decided to make a move. Everyone was awesome and willing to do whatever to make things even a little easier for us. I was not only surrounded by family and friends but wonderful doctors and nurses who had nothing but compassion.

In the end the day played out in the most beautiful way. I was able to rest in knowing that not one thing that day had been OUR decision or OUR plan. I do not have to second guess myself or decisions we made because not one decision was our own. I cannot imagine a day more filled with love and faith. I was at ease knowing that Jeanne was going to be there and care for Asher, and Carol would do whatever necessary to make me more comfortable. It was also awesome to have Kenny there taking pictures. As I look through them it is like he was a fly on the wall and he captured the beauty of the day and our son perfectly. The love from our friends and family was just incredible and I feel very silly for anticipating this day to be anything other than the amazing gift it was.

As I write this you would think I would have learned something...but I sit here anticipating tomorrow...Asher's Celebration of Life Service. My first appearance back at church. I have gone out into the world away from my safe zone at home but not yet to a place where I am so known and loved. It is strange, but somehow here at home I know who I am. A person very much the same yet forever changed. When it comes to "out there" I am still not sure. I constantly wonder what others are thinking...Do they feel sorry for me? Do they expect me to talk about it? Do they wish I wouldn't talk about it? Are they unsure of what to say? Do they think I may break down? Can they see my broken heart from the outside? So many questions.

Tomorrow is the service and Monday is the burial. These things make things seem so much more real and permanent. I still sometimes feel as though I am watching my life from the outside as it plays in fast forward. Things have moved so fast I sometimes have to pinch myself to reassure myself that this is all real. I am not sure how to still be myself. I am not really sure who that is anymore. This likely doesn't make any sense at all to most of you and I apologize, but nothing really makes sense to me anymore :-)

I have to admit it still amazes me that many of you are still reading...I thank you all for your love, support and prayers. Please continue to pray for our family as we find our "new normal".

33 comments:

Emily said...

As much as anyone can, I get it. And I'm praying you through, while I thank God for being faithful to take all the burden of decision making and room for regret away from you and for staying close to you than your own skin. He's got you, girl. And you are more beautiful than ever. Praising God for Asher Joseph Bolte and his amazing legacy today.

Laurie said...

Oh Kristy,

After reading with you for quite some time now as we all waited for Happy-
Asher, I understand every word of your post today, every single word and am so blessed that the Lord was in control and gave you the real and hidden desires of your heart for Asher's Birthday. How good is God and His love for you, even if you were mad with Him. It made me smile to read "I sure do wish God would just lay off a little bit and just let one thing go OUR way!" It blesses me so much to see that He was going to show you how much better His way was for you. What a witness to see how He truly knows our hearts more than we could ever imagine. My faith has increased so much in following your journey that is just beginning really. I will be here with you for the long walk, whether through the valley or on the shimmering shoreline, it is all a part of your journey into the new normal that Asher has gifted you with. I have a feeling that tomorrow will be more blessed and beautiful than you can imagine too.
God is pleased with you just the way you are, always. I want to thank you for choosing life for Asher, and what a beautiful life it is through the most painful choice.
Blessings for tomorrow sweet friend.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

mandy said...

We regret that we will not be able to make it tomorrow, but your family is in our prayers.
Love,
Jerry, Mandy, Josh, Lindsey, and Victoria

JuJu - said...

Our family has never met your family - but your family's love for each other and total faith in God has captured the hearts of our family. My husband asks me every night - have you read anything new about the Bolte family? How are they? We pray for you and hurt for and with you.
But
We also honor your courage and your ability to be strong enough to love your baby enought to give him the chance to be loved like you did. You are an amazing women.

You are in the midst of the hurt and can't see yourself like we do - from the outisde looking in.

You and precious Asher - you have touched the world around you-

You may be a part of giving another MOther the same courage.

Your family is a miracle in so may ways.

Be encouraged today -
Be of good cher to know - the eternal impact your story is and will continue to have on so many people ALL over the world.

Love

The McKenzie Crew:)

TNKerry said...

I love the way you are able to find the good and cling to it. You have taught all of us following your journey so much.
I will pray for you tomorrow. I know you will be surrounded by loving friends and family. I will continue to pray for you as you work through leaving the safety of your home. I can not imagine how difficult that will be for you.

Anonymous said...

tsfSending thoughts and prayers to you for Sunday and Monday as you move forward in this process. May the love and presence of your family and friends comfort you and lift you up.

ajc4ever said...

still reading...and still praying.

Angela in central Ohio

Melody said...

I know God holds the plan for tomorrow and Monday, just as he did on Asher's birthday.

Praying His peace and comfort for you and your family.

mary40 said...

I am praying for today, tomorrow and
Monday.
I will praying after all the events are over as well.
Malette in ND

So Blessed said...

Praying for you tonight...and tomorrow...and Monday. Trusting that our almighty God will hold you up and give you his peace and strength. Praying that you will be blessed by Asher's celebration of life service and that you will feel the love and comfort of all the people who will be there with you and all of us who will be with you in spirit and love.

Emily said...

Praying for you now.

Chelley said...

hugz and prayers

Anonymous said...

I know that I dont know you but reading this blog for as long as I have been there was never a thought in my mind to stop reading-You lost your precious boy and you need just as much-if not more support and compassion now as you ever did and I still continue to pray for you and your family. Good luck today at church , I will be thinking of you :-)
Elisha - Alberta

Laurie said...

Praying for your day today to be beautiful and blessed, as much as Asher blessed you, if this is possible. May the love of the day fill your broken hearts to overflowing renewed strength. Your little boy has made my heart know Happiness more than ever and his little footprints are here forever.

Love and Blessings, Laurie in Ca.

Chrissy said...

Thinking of you at this very moment and praying as well. I so wanted to be there with you today, for you and your family. But due to the distance, my current pregnant status and the iffy weather I was afraid to make the trip. Please know that I am w/ you thru thoughts and prayers. Love, Chrissy

Amanda said...

Kristy I wish that I could have been there for you more during everything. Just know that I pray for you all and love you very much. I am Thinking of you through today and tomorrow and sending you all of the strength that I can. You and your family have touched so many people...that is obvious from reading all of these comments. I am sure that you have helped others facing the same type of struggles that you have gone through. Your faith amazes me daily.

Love,
Amanda

Jarboetwingles said...

Kristy,
You don't know me but I have been waiting for Happy too. I am praying for you and your husband and boys today as you celebrate Asher's life. Thank you for sharing him with us. I know that hasn't been easy, but you have touched more lives than you can ever know with your honesty and faith!
Praying for you all!
Amy

Christa said...

We are praying for you today. I can't make it, as I am still sick. We will be continuing to life your family up in prayer.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading and praying for you for a few weeks now. I've even woke up in the night and thought and prayed for you right then....

Laurie said...

Praying for you tonight as your day has come to an end, and for tomorrow, that it won't be too hard for you to bear. Mostly, Kristy and Howard, I am praying for your hearts to be protected in the days and weeks ahead. Walking this valley with you each day, praying for you. Hoping Happy's day was blessed today.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Kenzie Stanfield said...

Kristy-

I pray that as hard as today was... it was beautiful. I know it was a beautiful tribute to the Lord and how he will continue to use Asher's story to touch lives here. Asher's work is done, and although I know you desperately don't want it to be, the Lord has him tonight and is holding him tightly. I will be praying for tomorrow as well and that the day will be gentle on you.

As Emily said, as much as someone can understand this... I do feel like I know very much of where you are. "May the Lord bless you and keep, make His face shine upon you and grant you His peace..."

Love you and praying!
Kenzie

Elizabeth said...

Thank you for sharing all that God is teaching you through Asher. Isn't it wonderful that His love for us is so great that He never lets go and He never gives up? The reality of surrendering to God's plan over your plan for Asher's birthday is a lesson that will never be forgotten. Because of it, we all understand a little more of His grace that is still so amazing.

amanda said...

Sending all my prayers to you and your family....

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Kristy,
I am praying for you and your family! I am so sorry you have to do this again. I wish there were words that would come to me to make your heart less heavy but I am speechless. There is nothing I can say so I just want you to know that I will keep praying and that my heart breaks for you.
With love,
Kim

Anonymous said...

I don't know you and I'm not even sure what series of links I followed to find your site. Your words and spirit have blessed me. I am fortunate to have a healthy son, but have some understanding of loss as my sister died in infancy from a heart defect and my son gave us some moments of panic when he developed a heart arrhythmia. Reading stories like yours reminds me to be thankful for every tear, shout and even for the delays for which my son receives therapy. I pray for you and your family and hope that you can continue to draw strength and inspiration from ALL of your boys.

petebon5 said...

my heart is so heavy for you. i could almost feel what you felt when writing that post. may god be w/ you and your family on Sunday and Monday and the days that ly ahead for ya'll. from my heart to you and yours Bonny

Laura said...

Praying.....

The Lenda's said...

Kristy-
Just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and thinking of you today. May God give you grace to make it through today, may you feel His presence and be able to get a little taste of the joy that Issac and Asher are experiencing in the arms of their loving heavenly Father.
Hugs
Rachel in PA

Anonymous said...

I have been reading and praying for you and your family, especially over the weekend and today. There are no words..but He knows.

Margarete said...

Praying for you always...especially thinking of you today (Monday).
Margarete

Margarete said...

Praying for you always...especially thinking of you today (Monday).
Margarete

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The Pittsburgh Hites said...

Kristy,
I know we were with you yesterday, but just wanted to let you know that i've been thinking of you all day today, and am hoping and praying that a peace surrounded all of you today.
All day i hoped and prayed that it was as warm and sunny there as it was here, that you felt the sun warm your face today, that the Lord gave Asher this beautiful day.
We love you all!
-Ginger, Greg and Maggie too