At My Wit's End

I just feel like I am falling apart at the seams lately. I am forgetful and typically I am so organized and on top of things. I am exhausted, I find it difficult to get up and face each new day not knowing what emotions will be brought to the surface that day let alone accomplish anything. I am irritable and cranky. I am more comfortable just staying home than I am facing people because I feel like I make everyone else uncomfortable. No one knows what to say to me or what not to say so there is always this awkwardness. Not to mention the agony of finding something to wear when my clothes still don't fit right. I am typically an on the go type of person and am becoming a home body.

I just don't know who I am anymore. I have NO clue who God wants me to be. I am trying hard to be still and let Him work in me but some days I question His presence. If I am being honest, though I truly believe that God exists and I undoubtedly believe every word of the Bible to be truth I wonder what on earth God is doing, so many things in life seem so unjust. God is supposed to be a just and loving God. I have experienced the love, but am unsure about what I think about God's justice. I know his plan is the only plan, but I really don't like his plan. I also know that my complaining isn't going to change a thing.

I mentioned yesterday that I had read the book of Exodus. It is funny how I was able to draw similarities to myself and the Israelites. God brought them out of Egypt, He parted the Red Sea and brought them victory. They were astounded and figured that the tough part was over so they would be on easy street for at least a while. That is until they were in the desert with no water to drink. I can only imagine the sound of the grumbling and complaining of ALL of those people who were thirsty and had only undrinkable water from a bitter pool to quench their thirst.

It is interesting because that is kind of how I felt after Isaac went Home. I remember thinking to myself with my pregnancy with Ben, "well God has brought us through this and he loves us so he certainly would not cause us that kind of pain again. " I was at ease figuring I had paid my dues. We had Ben without a hitch and I honestly expected nothing less with Asher. The thing is He did allow us that pain again. He allowed it a second time! We are good parents, a good family who is trying our best to raise our children to have a heart for the Lord and for serving others, far from perfect, but trying hard to live a life that honors God, yet he chose US to bear this cross, AGAIN. It just doesn't seem fair. (I know...my dad's favorite line is "Kristy, life's not fair." he must have told me that a trillion times in my teenage years) But it just seems so out of order. So like the Israelites here I am complaining and grumbling. The thing that changed their situation was Moses praying and listening to God and taking the wood and throwing it into the water. It wasn't the wood itself or the complaining, but God's power through Moses' obedience.

I am trying so hard to be obedient and to humbly accept what has been dealt to me, but it is such a hard road. Some days I feel like I am able to find meaning in all of this and I am able to smile and even laugh and other days the tears flow constantly. Lately the tears are of abundance. I can barely hold it together long enough to go to the grocery store. So, today I am on my knees asking God to show me what comes next. Where do we go from here. The rest of the world is able to move on without a hitch and I am still left behind with a crushed and broken heart. What am I to do with that brokenness?

In my devotional today I read this:
"They were a their wit's end. Then the cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress." Psalm 107:27-28

Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner."
Christian, with troubled brow?
Are you thinking of what is before you,
And all you are bearing now?

Does all the world seem against you,
And you in the battle alone?
Remember - at "Wits' end Corner"
Is just where God's power is shown.

Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner",
Blinded with wearying pain,
Feeling you cannot endure it,
You cannot bear the strain,
Bruised through the constant suffering,
Dizzy and Dazed and Numb?
Remember - at "Wits' End Corner,,"
Is where Jesus loves to come.

Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner"?
Your work before you spread,
All lying begun, unfinished,
And pressing on heart and head,
Longing for strength to do it,
Stretching out trembling hands?
Remember - at "Wits' End Corner"
The Burden - Bearer stands.

Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner"?
Then you're just in the very spot
To learn the wondrous resources
Of Him who fails you not;
No doubt to a brighter pathway
Your footsteps will soon be moved,
But only at "Wits' End Corner"
Is the God who is able proved.

- Antoinette Wilson

So I guess here I stand, at the end of my rope. At "Wits' End Corner". I am waiting for God to reveal the beauty he will bring from these ashes, the joy from this pain. I have no doubt he will lift me up, but I pray it is soon as I am growing so weary.