I sit here today in utter disbelief at the events have unfolded in the past five weeks. All of this seems so unreal much of the time. I often have a tendency to throw myself into other things in an attempt to redirect my attention to a less painful place. Avoidance seems to be the coping mechanism of choice for my family and I find myself often times choosing psycho cleaning to be my method of choice. Today has been no exception. Then Luke says to me..."do we have to clean EVERYTHING EVERYDAY?" I am realizing that in many ways I am choosing to avoid the feelings I am having because they hurt too much.
It is just that EVERYTHING serves as a reminder these days that half of my heart resides in Heaven. Yesterday we did go to church and actually it was great. A few people did approach us and ask how we are doing and gave hugs and that was great. My biggest fear is the person who will inevitably come up to me not knowing the situation only knowing I had been pregnant and ask where the baby is. It happened with Isaac and it was the most awkward situation. I felt horrible for the person who asked because she had no idea and meant well with her question. Thankfully that did not happen yesterday. We belong to a wonderful church who has cared for and lifed us up in ways we never knew we needed. It was good to be there. It was right where we should have been.
When we got home I ran to the grocery store. As I walked through the store I couldn't help but think...none of these people have a clue that I had a baby a month ago, none of them know how much I hurt both physically and emotionally. I saw a mom with an infant in her cart and couldn't help but think that that should be me! It is almost like I want to wear a sign that says "Be nice to me, my baby died" I know it sounds absurd but things will strike me at the strangest moment. Like, when I go to take a sip of wine at dinner and I think wow, it is great to be able to have a good glass of wine after four years of not drinking because I was pregnant or nursing, but then thinking...I shouldn't be able to have a drink now either. People who look at us see a family of four and yet we ARE a family of six! Many days I feel like I am just going plain crazy.
It is tough now too as things return to "normal" I feel more and more alone. The phone calls have pretty much stopped, the cards and letters have pretty much stopped and everyone is pretty much back to treating us as normal and not even asking about Asher or how we are doing. I know that these are all things that have to happen, but I am just not ready. It has made life so much easier knowing that we were not grieving alone and now it seems that I am grieving alone. Howard is a man of few words and he doesn't talk about Asher or Isaac either. I mean if I start the conversation he will gladly always listen, but seldom contributes. It is just how he has always been. He doesn't really say much but when he does his words are usually profound. I have no doubt that he misses our sons as much as I do, he is a dad though and dads and moms grieve differently. I don't honestly know what I would do without Howard. He is my best friend and one of God's greatest gifts in my life. I pray each night that God will not allow our difference in grieving to divide us in anyway, but to pull us closer together as our marriage is the foundation of this family and is of UTMOST importance. I know God will provide as long as we keep him the focus of our marriage.
I know that God holds my every tear in the palm of his hand and that he grieves with me even when I feel alone. The truth is I am never alone, none of us are. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that even in the darkest of nights, Jesus is a light. I know as I have written before that feelings are NOT reality. My prayer for today is that God would allow me to FEEL His mighty presence. I know he is there yet I am feeling empty and alone. I am just not how you walk around here on earth in a "normal" way when half of you is in Heaven. I am not even really sure who I am anymore. I am still Kristy, but I will never be the same Kristy and I am still figuring out what that means.
I have been reminded that we cannot put off for tomorrow what we should be doing today. I want to spend all of my days here on earth doing God's work. I want to do what He set me here to do and I want to glorify Him by my actions. I have not always been good at this. I am a constant screw up. I desperately want to be the wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter that He wants me to be and yet I still ALWAYS fall short. It amazes me that God loves me anyway.
I guess my struggle today is that I have never quite figured out how to be who God wants me to be and do what God wants me to do here on earth and I am even more puzzled as to how to do it when half of my heart resides here on earth and the other half is already in Heaven. God help me, help me to be the best wife to Howard and the best Mom to Luke and Ben. Help me be a friend to those who have been such great friends to me and to those who haven't. Help me mend broken relationships and be authentic. Help me to learn to listen closer to You so that I can follow your lead! Please continue to bless our family of six!
4 days ago