(Grab a cup of coffee...I have a lot to share!)
Thursday night I was pretty much a ball of nerves. I sat down with my devotional and started flipping through to find something to ease my mind and I came to a devotional about claiming God's promises. I got to thinking about it. God promises to be faithful, He promises to never leave or forsake us, He promises to give us the desires of our hearts. That is a tough one, because as I look back I believe my heart wanted Isaac to live and I believe my heart wanted Asher to live so I have a tough time reconciling all of this.
So then I started thinking about the desires of my heart and desires in general. Sometimes I desire a huge bag of Dove Dark Chocolate Promises, but the Bible tells us that IF we delight in the Lord He will grant us the desires of our hearts. I am not sure that my yearning for dark chocolate aligns with my delighting in the Lord, more so I think it sometimes anaesthetises me, it temporarily fills a void. Any desire really aside from desiring the Lord is going to still leave us feeling void and hollow. Now desiring for your child to live and desiring chocolate ARE two completely different things, and yet they aren't.
I had a conversation Thursday night with a new friend and I was telling her that when we headed to Pittsburgh to find out what was going on with Asher, I was able to pray to God and tell him that I accepted His will for my life, I of course added my preferred course, but ultimately surrendered to His. I could not bring myself to that point this time. I could not utter the words to God, telling him that I accepted His will. If it meant losing another child, I couldn't accept it. When I got off the phone I really started to think about it all.
I started thinking about Abraham. God promised to bless him and Sarah with a baby. Their situation seemed impossible to anyone who didn't know God, but Abraham held fast to that promise Abraham was not on Easy Street in the meantime. He had a tough life and God did not make good on His promise for a SUPER long time. The faith Abraham must have had to be able to wait upon the Lord for such a long time astounds me. God honored Abraham and his faithfulness and blessed him with the child he promised, but he STILL tested Abraham after that, He asked Abraham to give up the child he loved so much and though it must have made Abraham angry and scared, he knew God's plan for him was best and he remained faithful and obedient.
I don't have it all figured out, but I then began to pray for a heart like Abraham's. I wanted to want God's will for my life above all else. He promised that he has GOOD plans for me and I needed to trust in that. I did feel like He had placed the desire for this baby in my heart, but that is only possible if I remain delighting in Him alone. So I went to bed with a peaceful heart and actually slept well.
I woke up around 5:45 which if you know me, you know is torture in and of itself. I really did not struggle with getting up though, I jumped in the shower and got ready for the day ahead. Ben woke up early and when I came out he and Howard were lying in bed together. It was a sweet sight and I remember thanking God for each of them. I got dressed and packed the things the boys would need for their day of fun with their friends and off we went. Howard dropped me off at the friend's house who was driving me. My heart began to sink. We jumped in her van and off we went. I do have to say it was a blessing to have her along with me that day...she was really good at talking with me about anything and everything, this kept my mind off of the day ahead and I just enjoyed her company. Though I wish Howard could have gone...that ride would have been long and silent as he is always afraid of saying the wrong thing ;). After only one minor missed direction we arrived at Magee in plenty of time and that is really when my nerves started to kick in.
(ok...got to go get Ben in the tub...to be continued)
1 day ago