Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Get Your Nose In That Bible Girl!

To say that my emotions have been a whirlwind lately is a gross understatement. For me right now life is like a roller coaster with intense highs and plummeting lows. I am blessed for sure and can clearly see God's hand moving throughout my life and I know this is a good place to be, but it is intense. This past weekend after much feet dragging, Howard and I took the time to go and buy a few things for this new baby and to register for the shower our friends insist we have. :-) I have been in small increments allowing myself to move past the knowledge that I have that sometimes babies do not come home, and have allowed myself to embrace the idea that more often, they do. More often than the heartache, babies do come home, and live long and healthy lives. It has been a fifty/fifty experience in my life, but on the whole, babies "typically" come home healthy.

Over the weekend, we discovered two small lumps in Benjamin's neck. I am thinking that they are swollen lymph nodes from the bout of bronchitis he suffered a couple weeks ago and the lingering cold he seems to have now, but sometimes I allow my imagination to get the best of me. Ben has another outpatient surgery this week. He needs another correction to his urinary tract and I would be lying if I said that Satan wasn't using this to attack my mind daily. The procedure is minor, but Ben will be under general anesthesia which frightens me. This paired with his cold and the lumps in his neck warranted a call to the pediatrician who assured me he is fine and that they lumps are more than likely swollen glands, but we are headed in to see the doctor today just for my peace of mind. I want to be sure that before he heads into surgery Thursday, that he is healthy enough to handle the surgery. The week following the surgery is bound to be difficult as Ben will come home with a catheter in his bladder and since he is mostly potty trained (we have been holding out on going, full undies until after this surgery) it could be a rough go for a week. He was miserable last time.

I have been trying hard to work extra hours in the past couple of weeks and in the weeks to come because I know once the baby comes we won't have that income, and I want to get a few things paid off so that we miss the money less. This has cause extra stress in the household as a whole. Howard gets home, we race through dinner and I am off to work until after the kids are in bed. This leaves for little family time and little Howard and Kristy time.

We are agonizing over the decision of whether to send Luke to school or to home school him. I have been feeling strong prompting from God to be much more intentional in my parenting of the boys and I am wondering if homeschooling him is one of the ways He is calling me to do that. We attended Kindergarten registration at our local elementary school last week and Luke and I both loved the school. It is a very small school and the one Howard and I both attended as children and it is much the same today as it was then. Yet we got on the bus for the bus ride and as I sat down, Luke began to sound out a word..."F-U-*-#" he got the first two sounds out before I realized what he had seen on the seat in front of us. I promptly directed his attention to the dog outside and my heart sank. I know that I need to teach the kids about things such as bad words, but really at 5? Do I need to teach him how broken this world is at 5? So Howard and I are still debating and hoping God just smacks us over the head with the answer this summer. I see great value in much of what happens in school and yet I want to be sure to equip Luke for the world and to help him be confident in himself and what he believes before sending him out into it and I am not sure that can happen at 5.

I also this week was called to walk alongside another family in agony over losing their sweet boy named Benjamin and I am so in awe of God's working in me. I was so scared as I headed to the hospital last night to meet their beautiful son. I vividly remember the babies I held after losing each of my boys. I had never imagined that I would hold someone else's lifeless baby. God's grace enveloped me as I entered the hospital room and I felt nothing but peace and love for the family and their perfect son. The room was already filled with love, the kind of love that is almost tangible. You walk in and can almost touch it. I had no words to comfort the aching hearts in the room as nothing I could say would bring back the son they so desperately wanted and loved. The shoe was on the other foot. I had always hoped God would use me in this way and yet, admittedly he kind of drug me in there kicking and screaming albeit silently. I knew it was something I was called to do and yet, part of me was stricken with fear wanting to protect my own heart. Little did I know that God would make it one of the most beautiful days I will ever remember. I was able to be one of the support people just as so many had been for me and I cannot yet put the evening into words.

And as I pulled into my driveway after leaving the hospital I saw my husband through the nursery window, priming the walls. It sucked the wind right out of me. I sat in my car afraid to enter the house. I was already so full of emotion and in the words of Karen Fahmer it was too "full circle" for me. :-) I had just left a family at the hospital preparing to hand their son over to the funeral director and had come home to a daddy preparing for his daughter's arrival in our home. I stood on the porch for a moment took deep breath and made the decision to be thankful for a daddy who wanted his little girl to have a pretty room to come home to. Thankful that there is a healthy baby kicking and growing inside of me and that her daddy loves her so much already.

We have so much going on right now....on the way home from the hospital last night I phoned my sweet friend Emily, knowing, as a fellow night owl she would be up and be able to help me process my day and she did :) She reminded me that with so much going on in my crazy life right now I better get my nose in my Bible this week and keep it there because Satan will be using each of these opportunities to cause doubt, confusion and fear. Thanks for the reminder Emily! I will surely take your advice!

I would greatly appreciate your prayers in each of these areas of our life right now. God is good and he has been so faithful and I know he will continue to be. I feel like we are right on the verge of huge things and am really excited to see God continue to work in our lives.

6 comments:

Rob and Amy said...

Praying for you guys!!! As my FB status said earlier.. "Satan get BEHIND me"!!!! He's trying to steal your thunder, God's perfect planning and everything else inbetween. I pray for Ben's surgery. I pray for Luke's school decision, I pray for your two precious boys in Heaven and I pray for the precious daughter growing all nice and warm. I pray for you and rejoice for all God is doing.

♥ Somebody Loved ♥ said...

I guess the Lord won't give you more than you can handle... but he takes it right up to it.

Holy Cow!

Yes I will pray for you.

ToOdLeS.ShEiLa

Angie said...

Kristy,

You are amazing to me. You know heartache better than anyone I know, yet you do not give into the sorrow! you are so strong, even when you don't feel it, because you have let God be strong in you. I know that this baby girl is almost impossible to get your mind around sometimes, but I can't wait for the moment when you see her and hold her for the first time. It will be incredible! much love, Angie

Erin said...

How wonderful that you were able to help another family. Not that I want another family to lose a child but I hope I will be able to do that some day. I think it would help to give a purpose to the grief that we have gone through. I know what you mean about not wanting to plan for the new baby. I felt the same way. I will continue to pray for you and your little girl!

Devin said...

This post hit me hard...for a number of reasons. The homeschooling thing is huge for me too. And I am not even going to bother putting me feelings into words, because literally--you did that for me. Exactly what you said about letting your 5 year old loose in this broken world is how I feel...

I will certainly be praying for you Kristy. I always am. When you pray about what to do with Luke, think of me and Colin too, okay? :-)

Talk to you soon...I'm off to finish off those snowcaps now. *hee hee*

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Praying for you...love the title and advice from your friend, "Get Your Nose in That Bible Girl!" Nothing better than that! Hang in and hold on, sister. We're praying for His strength, sufficient grace, and abundant blessings and provision as He guides you through this time.

Praying...In His Grace,
Kelly
The Beauty of Sufficient Grace
Sufficient Grace Ministries