Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Not So OK

So I would love to come here and tell you that peace has overcome me and that it is all well with my soul, but that would be a gigantic lie.



I had my temper tantrum yesterday. After a failed attempt at talking about it all to my sweet, pillar of strength, faith never waivers, husband I left. I got in the car and drove to the lake where no one was around,( so as not to frighten anyone or end up in an institution) and I threw my fit. I screamed, I yelled, I cried, I begged, I pounded the steering wheel. It felt a little "Bruce Almighty" if you are familiar with that movie, and I expected to feel better after I had it all out and I don't.



Now I feel kind of hollow. Like I have said it all. I have laid it all out there before God and I have nothing left to say. He knows my heart and I have said it all. I am still angry though. I feel like the child who just can't live up to her Father's expectations. I have been dealt a tough deck of cards more times in my life than I can count. I have gotten through life without a mother and have had to give back two of the children He blessed me with. I have done it all, not always willingly, not always with an open hand, but I have done it. I have done all I can to remain faithful and continue to fight the good fight, but friends I am weary. I am tired of fighting.



I find myself wondering what I did not learn in my previous experiences that God is wanting me to learn again. I want to believe that this is all just doctors being overly cautious and that our baby girl will come home and be perfectly healthy. I want to believe God doing a new thing in my life means allowing my baby to live, to get to go to a baby shower not a baby funeral. The truth is though that God has allowed this pain in my life not once but twice and there is no guarantee that he is not doing it third time.



That said, I know without a doubt that regardless of what ultrasounds say or doctors predict, God is in control of all of this. He has given us this child as a gift. She is so loved and wanted. I am so very in love with her and I marvel at her kicks and rolls and I can't wait to get to see who she is and what God has in store for her, but I am terrified that that means letting her go. I just want to bring home a healthy baby.

As a side note...I just got a call from the doctor's office and not only did the ultrasound not go quite as hoped, but I am also anemic and I failed my glucose test and have to go in Monday for the three hour test! UGH! Seriously? Can just one thing go well, I really really really am frustrated and angry and at a complete loss.

I am asking for your prayers, because right now I just don't have the strength or the words to do it myself.

39 comments:

Living for Him said...

Bolte Family,
I am a sixteen year old girl who resides in Cali'... and i have been following your blog for quite some time now. I would just like to say that you and your precious family are an inspiration to me :) i know you have probably heard this over and over again, but please know that i mean it from the very depths of my soul. I pray for your family, and know that God is good. All the time :) I know that Asher's Daddy and Isaac's Daddy is also this sweet baby girl's Daddy. And He has incredible plans. Please know that my heart is with you and your beautiful family. You have impacted me more than you know :)

Love to you, your boys, and your gorgeous girlie~ Alyssa

Laurie in Ca. said...

I will continue to pray for you without ceasing Kristy, as I have not been able to get you off my mind for more than 5 minutes at a time. I can't offer any words that will lift your spirits, but know that I love you with my mother heart and wish I could be there to help. I will keep praying for you sweetie.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

♥ Somebody Loved ♥ said...

oh dear.

yes i will continue to pray for you.

ToOdLeS.ShEiLa

read2kds said...

I have never posted here, but am a regular reader of your blog since before Asher was born. Please know that I am praying for you now. I can not imagine the heartache you are feeling as I have not experienced losing a baby in the way you have, and certainly not twice. God is bigger than we can imagine and he can shoulder all of your hurt and anger, but in some ways none of that helps when we are hurting and confused. May He lavishly pour his grace out on you today and may you feel it in a tangible way.

Blessings,
Amy in NC

happy gram said...

continuing to pray, kristy. we had a friend who had to go through the entire second half of her pregnancy because they were concerned that her baby's head was too big - possible hydrocephalic. it wasn't until she was born that they discovered she was ok. just has a big head. :) i'm so hoping that everything will turn out. i know what you mean about "God, what DIDN'T i learn the other times." it always makes me wonder and ask the same questions. i found a neat quote in my bible time this morning: "doubting God and doubting that we understand God are two different things." praying over and over for peace and calm. love you, jan

Christy said...

Kristy
I'm sitting in tears wishing I had the words to make your heart ache less, but I don't. I have sat here reading your words and am humbled over my own whining because of my selfishness and wants, not needs.

Kristy I am praying for your hearts desire and praying that it's also GOD's desire for you and your little girl. I am praying oh so hard for you right now. I know we don't know each other like you and Emily do, but through Emily I've grown to care for you and although our losses are different, I want you to know I'm here anytime you need to talk, cry, scream.

I'm holding you tightly in my heart right now and holding your little girl just as tight.

Jennifer said...

My heart is breaking right now. I am in tears just thinking about you today. I have spent the last few months rejoicing in your wonderful precious children and thanking God for your little girl.

I remember back to how I felt the day we were told that our Timothy would not survive and how it felt to have him leave my arms. I have spent so much time thinking about how you have done that...twice.

I find myself wanting to get in that car with you and join you while you scream and yell. I want to crawl under the covers and just wait this out with you.

I will be storming the gates with prayers for your daughter.

our family said...

Praying for your sweet sister, carrying your mat for you today. May you feel the burden lifted as we lift you up to Him. Glad you were able to get it all out with God praying now that you will soon have a peace and calmness fill the empty void. Pleading on your behalf that you are not asked to give this child up but that she will be born healthy and whole and strong. Praying that God continues to send others into your life to support you physically and spiritually during this time. May he send those that are nearby to provide meals and care for your children to give you some physical rest as well. Praying that you pass your 3 hour glucose test on Monday and area able to work out childcare during that time.
Praying for you
Praying with you
Praying on your behalf
Hugs and and Prayers
Rachel in PA

malette-foreveryoung said...

I am still praying for you so that you can find peace
Praying ND

Fireflyforever said...

Hello,

I am posting here for the first time. My heart is just aching for you all and I'm praying for you with all the ragged faith I have left in me. My baby daughter was stillborn in October 08 and I know how devastating it has been to walk this path just once.

I find it hard to pray for myself right now but your story has touched me profoundly and so I find the strength to beg for God's grace and love to be poured out on you all and your sweet baby girl in particular. I ask that God, our Father, who is a God of relationships to allow you the joy and privilege of a long lifetime's relationship with your little girl.

love
Jill

Lea said...

Kristy,

You have such a beautiful, beautiful family.. I can see that there is so much love. You are continuously in my thoughts and prayers. Strength to you.. xo

Michelle said...

I am praying for you Kristy! I truly am. So glad you feel comfortable to come here and let us know how you are doing and how we can pray!

Anonymous said...

Continuing to pray from Michigan. I thought of you MANY times today and will pray for you each time I think of you......

bp said...

I am praying for your family.

milehighmom said...

I have followed your story for longer than I can remember. And I feel like I know you so well even though you don't know who I am at all. But I am a fellow believer in the One True God, and I am lifting you up to Him now. You may not have the strength to go on right now, but He will carry you. Love and prayers from Colorado. ~Melissa

Nichelle said...

Praying...Praying...I know so hard to feel like"why can't you just let us have this one thing, have we not been through enough!"
He will not fail you...he never changes and is always constant in his love for us...it is us and our thoughts and feelings that change. I pray that your little gal is healthy and someday you will be telling her all these stories of her arrival and the worry that surrounded her birth. I will also pray that he will calm your heart and mind as you stuggle with all of this emotion.

ReadyAim said...

Kristy, I am praying that your sweeet little girl is fine and that your next u/s will put your mind at ease so you can enjoy your pregnancy.

I am thinking a temper tantrum was called for and I am amazed that you were able to control it as you did. Praying that God will also calm your heart and mind as you wait.

Sorry about the anemia and glucose tests. I know those are "small potatoes" in terms of your worries, but still some smooth sailing would be nice.

Nicole O'Dell said...

I have been and will continue to be praying for you and your whole family. Stay healthy and positive--God is good!

Gail said...

I'm praying!!!!!!!

Trish said...

Kristy,

I can't imagine the feelings your going through right now...I'm praying I wish so badly I could help in other ways.

I will continue to pray and plead for your sweet girl to outlive you!

with love,
Trish

Corie said...

You let it out there dear sister...and I sooo appreciate. No need to hide behind the computer. I am so grateful for your honesty and transparency. It has always been that way. Lets face it...this hurts. God IS good and He IS in control for sure and I know that you know that. But the wrestling continues and you are faithful. I am praying as I know you are most likely worn out and weary. Unable to know what to say but trusting the Spirit understands your groanings. Many, Many are praying on behalf of your family. May you just feel peace right now to breathe...to sleep...to take each moment as it comes. One at a time my friend...one at a time. Hard to even think you can do that. Love you!

Anonymous said...

Hi Sweetie, I just want to share some of Ps. 91 with you. It has helped me get through many heartaches.
"He who dwells in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say the Lord is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him will I trust. He shall call upon me and I will answer Him. I will be with Him in trouble.I will deliver Him and honor Him." May the Lord deliver you from this trial, and give you peace. I pray everything will turn out well. May He Hold you and your precious daughter in the palm of His Hand and may this be a testimony to His greatness! My prayers are with you, believing for a miracle. a loving grandma

Catherine said...

Hi:) I am so sorry for all you are going through right now...my heart aches for you and your beautiful family. All I can do is pray for you and your baby girl....

Take care and keep us posted.

Millie said...

I'm praying too, I know somewhat how you feel, I can't say I know how it feels to lose a child, because I haven't been through that, but I have come near that twice with Colin. I do know how it feels to wonder when and if you will ever catch a break in life, or with the life of your child. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I pray that you feel the prayers, love support surrounding you. You are not alone in this.
God bless,
Millie and Colin-HLHS

Sara said...

We are praying here in Oklahoma, you are amazing. We lost our son, Samuel, our 5th last fall, he was stillborn due to a cord accident. I so feel for you. I will continue to lift you and your family up before our Lord. He is faithful to walk this journey with you... I know you know that. I understand being soooo weary and being at the point where all you can is help me Lord... just keep crying out to him. May you continue to rest in HIM<>< Your faith and courage is so inspiring... even amidst the storm you are faithful. God understands your questions. He formed that sweet precious girl in your womb, He knows each and every perfect, intricate part. He is with you!
Sara

April said...

You have poured yourself out like an offering at His feet. I don't know how long God will wait to answer you. Here is what I am praying over you: Psalm 44 But now you have rejected and humbled us; you no longer go out with our armies. You made us retreat before the enemy,and our adversaries have plundered us. You gave us up to be devoured like sheep and have scattered us among the nations.
You sold your people for a pittance, gaining nothing from their sale. You have made us a reproach to our neighbors, the scorn and derision of those around us. You have made us a byword among the nations; the peoples shake their heads at us. My disgrace is before me all day long,
and my face is covered with shame
at the taunts of those who reproach and revile me, because of the enemy, who is bent on revenge. All this happened to us, though we had not forgotten you
or been false to your covenant.
Our hearts had not turned back;
our feet had not strayed from your path. But you crushed us and made us a haunt for jackals and covered us over with deep darkness. If we had forgotten the name of our God
or spread out our hands to a foreign god, would not God have discovered it, since he knows the secrets of the heart? Yet for your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. Awake, O Lord! Why do you sleep? Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever. Why do you hide your face and forget our misery and oppression? We are brought down to the dust; our bodies cling to the ground. Rise up and help us;
redeem us because of your unfailing love. And I do pray that God answers you, in His good time. Many hugs for you today.

Susie (So Blessed) said...

From my heart to yours...all the love I have...from my heart to God's...all the prayers I can offer on your baby girl's behalf.

Laura said...

Kristy, just letting you know I am here. Everything you are feeling is SO understandable and you express yourself so well. I know that you must feel overwhelmed. But please know that many woman are anemic at this stage of pregnancy due to increased blood volume and baby taking what she needs to grow (see, she's working on it!) and many have high glucose screenings that turn out to be nothing (I did it myself!) You have every reason to be terrified with what you have been through before, but she is alive and kicking, still in the normal range, and testing capabilites are limited. And God is always there and His potential to heal is infinite. I don't have the answers, for you or myself, for why our moms or our babies couldn't stay with us, but I do have hope, for your little girl, for you, for our loved ones in Heaven. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

MomMom said...

Kristy, our small group just left here and I just want you all to know we prayed for you tonight. I will continue to pray for you and your precious baby. God is the GREAT PHYSICIAN but I also know we're human and the anxiety is there. In HIM, Linda

Mashel said...

Kristy, I so wish once again that I was close enough to come and give you a big hug right now. I can only imagine what you are feeling right now, and I really don't think that your feelings are harsh in any way. I think I would be doing a whole lot worse then you! Please know you and your family are in our prayers. I guess,even though our situations are completly different, my situation with the twins is the same in the "unknowing" I think that not knowing is the hardest part. I know all the new stuff with the twins, makes me so scared, and yet there is nothing I can do but pray and try to stay strong. It is so, so hard though. I am praying for you. Hang in there.

Liz said...

I'm thinking of you and praying that you feel wrapped in love and support as you wait for more news about your daughter. Please know that you're not alone.

Love,
Liz in Michigan

Lauren said...

That is what we are here for. To lift you in prayer when you are at a weak spot. I will continue to think of you and pray. You are absolutely right. God is in control. Good luck with you testing, and I hope that you are able to find the peace and strength that you need. Although as a pregnant mom too, I know that worrying over even the smallest things is all consuming, much less major things.

Crystal said...

I am a first time poster --I have followed your story last year when we were adopting our son form Guatemala.--

Kristy my heart breaks for you and I wish I had the right words right now--Please know I am storming the gates of heaven for you and your baby girl--he hears and he knows --and do you know how many jewels you are going to have in your crown when you get to heaven :) Please know I am praying and lifting you up

((((HUGS)))))))

Anonymous said...

We'll all be your stretcher-bearers right now and carry you to Jesus through prayer.

DeeDee said...

Just got on your blog tonight after reading my friend Laurie Share acoke and a smile...us prayer warriors out here are praying for you...do you feel it?

I totally understand the driving in the car, put it in park and scream seniero...I did that some 33 yrs ago when we were told our baby girl had died.

A mother on another blog wrote this after losing her son to cancer...i thought that maybe you could find some strength in it also!

Joy, DeeDee
John 15:11
"You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

Kirsten said...

Oh Kristy,

I wish I could wrap my arms around you and cry with you. I'm wish that this journey was easier. I'm heartbroken to hear that you are hurting so. I wish I could make it all better. But I can't. Please know that no matter how alone you feel, you are not. There are so many people praying for you, your family and your precious baby girl. We're believing that God will bring restoration to your family.

Yell, scream, do whatever you need to. We love you, are praying for you, and will be with you each step of the way.

Hugs and love to all of you.

Lindsay said...

I will pray for you while you cannot. God knows you inside and out. I pray for peace and strength for you, and protection and health, life, for your baby girl.
With much love, Lindsay

Emily said...

Oops. This was me- I wrote it on my sister's computer:

You have poured yourself out like an offering at His feet. And that is beautiful.

I don't know how long God will wait to answer you.

Here is what I am praying over you:

Psalm 44 ...All this happened to us, though we had not forgotten you or been false to your covenant. Our hearts had not turned back; our feet had not strayed from your path. But you crushed us and made us a haunt for jackals and covered us over with deep darkness. If we had forgotten the name of our God or spread out our hands to a foreign god, would not God have discovered it, since he knows the secrets of the heart? Yet for your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. Awake, O Lord! Why do you sleep? Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever. Why do you hide your face and forget our misery and oppression? We are brought down to the dust; our bodies cling to the ground. Rise up and help us; redeem us because of your unfailing love.

And I do pray that God answers you, in His good time. Many hugs for you today.

Jessica said...

Thank you for your honesty in your grieving process. It helps me get through my grief over my 2 recent miscarriages. Your faith is inspiring!