I am still not exactly sure that I can put my emotions and thoughts into words but I am hoping that giving it a shot will help me to put it all into perspective so here goes. I am mad. There... I said it. I am really angry. We came home last night and I made a quick post checked email and laid down because my head was throbbing. I appreciate the many of you who sent messages via email, text and phone and apologize for my not answering the phone and not answering your messages but right now I just plain don't know what to say and can barely say a word through my tears.
Howard took care of the kids all evening so I could rest and read my Bible. I knew that fear was creeping in big time and I was hoping that immersing myself in the truth would fight it off. I wish I could sit here and tell you honestly that that is what happened but it isn't. As I read I just got more and more angry. I have tried so hard to do all of this, walk through suffering, endure intense pain and loss in a way that glorifies God and yet sometimes (get ready for me to whine) I feel like I just can't catch a break.
I had just begun to feel at ease with things, I had purchased a few baby things, the nursery was under way I was beginning to really believe that this baby would be coming home with us and then WHAM! out of nowhere we get blindsided yet again. I know that there is a possibility that there is nothing wrong and that she is still just fine. Ultrasound mistakes are made each day and realistically her measurements are still within the range of normal, they are just at the very very low end of normal. The trouble is that I am feeling betrayed.
God has done a beautiful job of reminding me in the past seven or eight months that he is doing a new thing. I think the reason I am angry today is because this doesn't feel so new. It feels exactly the way it felt last November. Those words..."if it were anyone else we would not even worry, and it is probably nothing, but..." were uttered about sweet Asher. We held out hope that perhaps then, the measurements were off or that his brain would pick up growth and it did not.
Now, I KNOW that this baby is not Asher and that it is very possible that her story will play out differently, and yet it feels eerily familiar. So much so that I could not bring myself to stop at Home Depot last night to pick up paint and I have closed the nursery door with all things baby in it. I am scared. I know good and well that the Lord knows what is best for me and that His plan is far better than my own but I for once just wanted to walk on Easy Street. I wanted to know what it was like to walk through a life experience, namely the journey of this pregnancy and birth to be uneventful. I wanted to be able to continue thinking about baby showers and nursery colors, my nesting instinct has kicked in and I was enjoying making space again for baby bottles and bathing supplies.
That has all come to a halt. Once again our lives our on hold. Once again the Lord is telling us we must wait upon Him. I am tempted to throw a two year old temper tantrum because it all seems so unfair and yet all I can do is sit here and weep. I weep not because I don't trust the Lord's plan to be good, I weep because I know that sometimes His plan hurts. I know he will walk with us through whatever he puts before us, but I desperately want this baby girl. I want to know what it is to raise my daughter. I spent the majority of the evening last night on my face pleading with Him. Begging Him for her health and safety. Yet I know sometimes our prayers do not get answered the way we hope and it frightens me.
Our next step is to wait until April 6th and measure again. Our doctor said he wasn't ready to suggest a trip to Pittsburgh just yet as things are still in the normal range, but that if I wanted to he would gladly send me at anytime to put my mind at ease. I desperately wanted to avoid that trip at all costs this pregnancy. I did not want the drama of it all. Yet, the first thing I did upon arriving home last night was email the doctor who worked with us when I was pregnant with Asher. He got back to me IMMEDIATELY as he always does and said that he would like to see me if for nothing else than to put my mind at ease. He has a few tests he would like to run and he would like to see what kind of measurements they get on the more detailed machines.
I am debating what to do this morning. Part of me just wants to wait the two weeks and see where we stand and make a decision from there, and part of me wants to run to Pittsburgh right NOW hoping for peace of mind that maybe the measurements are off because her head is already down in my pelvis. Howard only has a few days left that he can take off this school year as we have had so much already happening this year and I would hate for him to take another day off because that is one less day he will be able to take when the baby comes and yet I can't imagine going to such an appointment without him. So I am really praying for discernment in this area. I just am not sure what to do. Two weeks seems like such a long time away.
I can't imagine spending the next two weeks feeling the way I feel today...as though i can barely breathe, eyes swollen, tears flowing. Yet just the thought of heading back to Pittsburgh brings up anxiety all its own.
Thank you all so much for your prayers, comments, emails, etc. It does help to know so many are petitioning our Father on our behalf. Thank you for loving us and praying for us.
Thoughts of Hope
3 hours ago