Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Head Spinning Thoughts

I am still not exactly sure that I can put my emotions and thoughts into words but I am hoping that giving it a shot will help me to put it all into perspective so here goes. I am mad. There... I said it. I am really angry. We came home last night and I made a quick post checked email and laid down because my head was throbbing. I appreciate the many of you who sent messages via email, text and phone and apologize for my not answering the phone and not answering your messages but right now I just plain don't know what to say and can barely say a word through my tears.

Howard took care of the kids all evening so I could rest and read my Bible. I knew that fear was creeping in big time and I was hoping that immersing myself in the truth would fight it off. I wish I could sit here and tell you honestly that that is what happened but it isn't. As I read I just got more and more angry. I have tried so hard to do all of this, walk through suffering, endure intense pain and loss in a way that glorifies God and yet sometimes (get ready for me to whine) I feel like I just can't catch a break.

I had just begun to feel at ease with things, I had purchased a few baby things, the nursery was under way I was beginning to really believe that this baby would be coming home with us and then WHAM! out of nowhere we get blindsided yet again. I know that there is a possibility that there is nothing wrong and that she is still just fine. Ultrasound mistakes are made each day and realistically her measurements are still within the range of normal, they are just at the very very low end of normal. The trouble is that I am feeling betrayed.

God has done a beautiful job of reminding me in the past seven or eight months that he is doing a new thing. I think the reason I am angry today is because this doesn't feel so new. It feels exactly the way it felt last November. Those words..."if it were anyone else we would not even worry, and it is probably nothing, but..." were uttered about sweet Asher. We held out hope that perhaps then, the measurements were off or that his brain would pick up growth and it did not.

Now, I KNOW that this baby is not Asher and that it is very possible that her story will play out differently, and yet it feels eerily familiar. So much so that I could not bring myself to stop at Home Depot last night to pick up paint and I have closed the nursery door with all things baby in it. I am scared. I know good and well that the Lord knows what is best for me and that His plan is far better than my own but I for once just wanted to walk on Easy Street. I wanted to know what it was like to walk through a life experience, namely the journey of this pregnancy and birth to be uneventful. I wanted to be able to continue thinking about baby showers and nursery colors, my nesting instinct has kicked in and I was enjoying making space again for baby bottles and bathing supplies.

That has all come to a halt. Once again our lives our on hold. Once again the Lord is telling us we must wait upon Him. I am tempted to throw a two year old temper tantrum because it all seems so unfair and yet all I can do is sit here and weep. I weep not because I don't trust the Lord's plan to be good, I weep because I know that sometimes His plan hurts. I know he will walk with us through whatever he puts before us, but I desperately want this baby girl. I want to know what it is to raise my daughter. I spent the majority of the evening last night on my face pleading with Him. Begging Him for her health and safety. Yet I know sometimes our prayers do not get answered the way we hope and it frightens me.

Our next step is to wait until April 6th and measure again. Our doctor said he wasn't ready to suggest a trip to Pittsburgh just yet as things are still in the normal range, but that if I wanted to he would gladly send me at anytime to put my mind at ease. I desperately wanted to avoid that trip at all costs this pregnancy. I did not want the drama of it all. Yet, the first thing I did upon arriving home last night was email the doctor who worked with us when I was pregnant with Asher. He got back to me IMMEDIATELY as he always does and said that he would like to see me if for nothing else than to put my mind at ease. He has a few tests he would like to run and he would like to see what kind of measurements they get on the more detailed machines.

I am debating what to do this morning. Part of me just wants to wait the two weeks and see where we stand and make a decision from there, and part of me wants to run to Pittsburgh right NOW hoping for peace of mind that maybe the measurements are off because her head is already down in my pelvis. Howard only has a few days left that he can take off this school year as we have had so much already happening this year and I would hate for him to take another day off because that is one less day he will be able to take when the baby comes and yet I can't imagine going to such an appointment without him. So I am really praying for discernment in this area. I just am not sure what to do. Two weeks seems like such a long time away.

I can't imagine spending the next two weeks feeling the way I feel today...as though i can barely breathe, eyes swollen, tears flowing. Yet just the thought of heading back to Pittsburgh brings up anxiety all its own.

Thank you all so much for your prayers, comments, emails, etc. It does help to know so many are petitioning our Father on our behalf. Thank you for loving us and praying for us.

58 comments:

Devon said...

oh sweetie...my heart is hurting for you right now. i wish i could tell you it will be okay. i cant because i dont know.

but as you know, he will carry you through this. and i am praying with all my heart that your precious girl is healthy..that the ultrasound was just a mistake.

if it was me, i would run to pittsburgh. but i can also see why you just want to wait. i am praying that you and howard find common ground on this decision. that your heart would find rest in him...

hugs to you sweet friend...

Michelle said...

Kristy, I don't even know what words to write so just know you are in my thoughts and prayers today and I am asking God to bring you peace and discernment in making whatever decisions you need to make today!

asplashofsunshine said...

Who am I to even comment on this, BUT... no matter what, GO WITH YOUR INSTINCT! If it makes you feel better to run to the doctor now, do it! You are Mommy, you are the patient, and this is your baby and your body. Yikes, I don't like getting preachy. I hope you can find peace in your decisions and find peace as this pregnancy progresses. Take care.

Corinne said...

Kristy I am praying for you and your family and I too am pleading to our Father for your little girl.

Christy said...

I know you know there are no words, so I will not attempt any. I will pray for your peace, and of course, a healthy baby girl.

Emily said...

So, I am totally praying for you and your little girl.I really couldn't believe it when you posted the results of the ultrasound.

And I know I shouldn't give advice, but I'm going to anyway.

Let loose, my friend. I say throw that two-year old tantrum. Scream, throw pans, kick the wall. Set aside time, say 30 minutes, to wrestle, as physically as possible, with God. Don't hold back.

Job said a whole lot of stuff when he was angry at God. Don't try to skip that part to get to part of being submitted to God's awesome power and will. That doesn't come until the end of Job. There are many chapters in between of silence from God and anger from Job. It's a very scary place to be, and it doesn't seem very Christian to be there.

So, yes, I am saying get your nose OUT of that bible and scream towards the heavens that you have been betrayed and attacked by God! And that He should answer you and explain Himself! Because maybe He will.

I have no idea whether you should go to Pittsburgh, but I don't know how you will stop yourself from going! But I suggest getting it all out before God before you go there or to the ultrasound in April.

I am so sorry- I wanted you to be able to relax and enjoy this pregnancy too.

Melissa said...

Still praying for you and the health of your baby girl.

our family said...

I continue to keep you in my prayers. Throughout the night when I would wake I was praying for your sweet girl and for baby Stellan. My heart is heavy for you this morning as I hope and pray that all is well with your sweet girl and that you are able to get that assurance. Praying for comfort and for peace as you decide whether to go to Pittsburgh or wait two weeks.
Hugs and Prayers
Rachel in PA

♥ Somebody Loved ♥ said...

Sharing Time...
You did (thank you for sharing)
& now its MY turn.

When my sister was pregnant with Luke... they had some questionable test results... so they ran more tests.

diagnosis:

'Your baby has a 95% chance of having Downs Syndrome.' The doctor brought her in for these results and in the office were five other doctors... Do you know what they told her? You need to have an abortion right away.

My sister would never do that.

end result.

Luke is 100% fine. NO DS. Imagine that... doctors being wrong. One thing I know for sure. Everybody on this earth is different.

The ultrasound says 'giRL' so she is a petite little thing isn't she.
Don not put your trust in doctors... or the tech. Trust Our Heavenly Father he will see you through this.

Its oK Kristy.
Love and hugs comin' your way.

ToOdLeS.ShEiLa

Christa @ Quintooples said...

I don't know what to say. I know if it was me, I would run to Pittsburgh...but I am known to do things with out rational thought.

Please know that you are in every prayer at this house.

Devin said...

Oh, Kristy. I just feel helpless because I am. There is nothing that I can say that will make you feel better. Just please know that I am praying for you more than daily, and beseeching Jesus for your sweet little girl.

I truly can't give you an answer on whether or not you should go to the doc in Pitt; none of us 'outsiders' can. I just think you should 'go with your gut' so to speak. If you think it will be easier for you to get answers now, then, so be it. If you think you can wait it out, then do that. There is certainly no right or wrong--there is only what is right for YOU two. I will be praying for you as you make that decision.

My heart just hurts. If I can do anything, anything besides pray, please let me know.

ajc4ever said...

I just don't have adequate words right now. So, I'll just say this, my heart overflows with love and compassion for you and I'm am praying and praying.

Story of our Life said...

(((HUGS))) Honey, I am sooo sorry this is happening. I can't even begin to imagine the heart, heartache, worry and anger that must be swirling around you right now.

It isn't about what is the Lord's Plan....it hurts. Regardless and I sooo wish that I could take that away from you.

Hang in there!! Follow your heart. If a trip is needed than that is what is needed to go to Pittsburg. If you feel at ease waiting then wait. Whatever it might be, take it one day, one step, one hour at a time.

Know that you are loved..not just by your Father in Heaven but by so many people. You are wrapped in our thoughts and prayers.

(((((HUGS))))))) Holding you in my thoughts and prayers this rainy day...

Love, Gala

Elena said...

Oh dear....I'm so sorry! I can't even begin to understand or know any words that might comfort. At this point, since we aren't sure there is anything wrong, I am going to choose to believe she is healthy and normal. And that she's just small because she's a cute little girl. :) No matter the outcome, we are all here for you, praying with you and for you.

Susie (So Blessed) said...

Kristy,
I am, as a verse in Lamentations says, "pouring our my heart like water for the life of your child". I am pleading for His mercy in this situation. I know that you know full well that you do not have to feel guilty for being angry...it is a perfectly normal response. Just keep laying it all at His feet, dear one. Stay in His Word...it is your shield so the enemy can't take control of your thoughts. I am praying, praying, praying.
Love,
Susie

"so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power."

II Corinthians 2:5

The VW's said...

I know that I would have a very difficult time waiting. It is sometimes so hard to just "Let Go and Let God." I can only imagine that it would be even more difficult for you, having gone through all that you have. Please know that I'm praying!

Laurie in Ca. said...

Oh sweet Kristy,

My heart is dragging the floor right now for you and your heart. I hurt with you. I feel a tantrum might be just what you need right now. It was Jesus that said that unless we become like little children, we will not enter the kingdom. Maybe a stretch but He loves children so much and we are His children too. I would personally take you to Pittsburgh in a heartbeat Kristy. I don't know what else to tell you except giving into fear takes us places we do not want to go. I don't say this lightly although it sounds this way. Here across the states, I am holding hands with you in my heart and fighting with you for this baby girl's protection and in prayer, fighting fear from getting it's grip on you. I am well acquainted with fear and it's accuser, and it's purpose to get our eyes off of the Lord. Stand firm Kristy, if even it be on your face and trust the One who holds you and your baby in His hands. I love you and am praying constantly for you and Howard.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Nicoolmama said...

I am so sorry to read this this morning. My heart hurts for you. I am praying for you and the baby girl in your tummy. Do whatever you need to do to feel at peace- even if that means going to Pittsburgh.

Lea said...

Kristy,

I am sending you strength and love.... praying for you, your family and your precious baby girl.

xo

justlori2day said...

I have had your website bookmarked in my favorites for months. As I was cleaning out my favorites today I saw it again and thought to myself "I wonder what I bookmarked this one for, I should check it out".

I am glad I did. I believe in signs. I think God wants one more prayer warrior on your side today!

I will pray that you will find a peace that helps you make the right decision. I pray that He will dispel your fears and make this all become normal again for you.

I will pray that no matter His plan that He hold you close in his arms and shelter you from any more pain!

Take care and know that you will remain on my mind and in my heart!

malette-foreveryoung said...

Kristy
I hate that you need got though this, again.I am praying that God will give you some answer soon. I am praying that you baby girl be fine.
I am praying for you that you can find so peace so you can fell up to caring for you family
Praying in North Dakota.
Malette

The Pittsburgh Hites said...

you know we're here, and we're praying. If you have to come down, and need someone, I'm MINUTES away. Even if it's just someone to sit next to you.
Rose will be fine Kristy, PLEASE don't panic. I know you are, and you have every right to, but please...try not to think about it. You are already having contractions every now and then, and let's not stress her out too!!
Let me know what I can to help. I'm always just a phone call away.
Love to all of you. G
Ging

Kristi said...

I have been reading your blog for several months but this is my first comment. Wow. Just don't know what to say except, if you don't have to wait......DON'T! Why wouldn't you go see that Dr.?

I can't even process what you have had to endure in your life. One day there will be no more pain and suffering and I will so let you cut in line to get in! :)

Praying for you today!

Lynnette Kraft said...

Kristy,
My first thoughts are HANG ON! Don't think the worst yet!

But, I feel compelled to also say, I understand and have so much compassion for you in this situation. I have this thing with sonograms - it's a love/hate relationship. I'm sure you feel the same way. On one hand, they can give assurance and hope - yet on the other hand they bring anxiety and sometimes a diagnosis that we don't want to hear.

I prayed for you this morning with 3 of my children and haven't been able to get you off my mind since. Read Psalm 111. I especially love verse 4 "He hath made his wonderful works to be remembered: the Lord is gracious and full of compassion." I can't help but think that you have your own victory stories - even and especially through your losses. Try to remember how God carried you through those times and the good that came out of them. Maybe thinking of the victories will help you not to be so fearful.

BUT, saying all of that, I do understand and my heart is full of compassion. I do understand those struggles and fears. Just keep giving them to Jesus.

I wrote a post just last night (was up very late with it on my heart.) It's called Why Must We Suffer Affliction? Maybe it will give you some peace.

I'll keep you in my prayers.
Lynnette
Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground

Keri said...

Kristy,
I don't even know what to say right now but just know that I am praying for you and your baby girl. I am so sorry. Don't worry about throwing a tantrum! Do what ever you must. If you need anything please know that I am here. You and your baby girl are in my thoughts and prayers.

Angela said...

Please know I understand. Our son was tentatively diagnosed with Trisomy 13 on June 20 and we moved to Rochester, NY on June 23rd. They recommended us getting further tests done at a hospital with better equipment to confirm it and wanted to push us into having an amnio and abortion right away. My husbands new insurance didn't start until July 1st so if we didn't wait until after that we were going to have to pay over $800 out of pocket. My first instinct was that I just needed to know and we should do everything ASAP but my hubby was the voice of reason and we waited until they could fit us in in July. The bottom line was there was nothing that really could be done about it. Joel was in the Lord's hands. On the other hand, if you can go NOW without it being a major hardship I say go without your husband. I had to go to many ultrasounds alone and the Lord carried me through them even though each one seemed to bring more bad news. It was just me and my 2 year old at our final ultrasound at 32 weeks that confirmed that Joel had passed away in the womb and I will say that my 2 year old was such a comforter. He knew something was wrong and just hugged me! Well, I will be praying for you!

Jen said...

I have ready your blog several times and have been touched by your story. I am a friend of Devin's.

I am praying for you for your precious baby.

my Beautiful Little Bird said...

I don't know what to say only that I will continue to pray for you. That Jesus will uplift your heart. He knows your every thought and knows you by name. He knows you are only dust and knows the intricate design of your soul. Your precious little girls' heart beats and thrives in His hands. And yours will continue to do so too.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Praying for you...I wish there were words. There are none. Trusting the Lord to carry you through and crying out to Him on your behalf...

Trish said...

Kristy, obviously nothing I can do for you guys but pray. You are leaning on Him and that will see you through.

As far as going off to Pittsburg, I will pray too for discernment, I know you can't put a price on peace of mind though. Praying

with love,
Trish

nikki said...

Kristy, my heart aches for you and I will lift you and your family up in pray. I pray that your precious daughter will be born healthy.
Nikki from CT

MomMom said...

I have to say that my heart tells me you should go to Pittsburg. I don't deal with waiting very well. I think I would go and find out as soon as possible that all is well (prayerfully) from the experts. You will be much more at peace after you know something. I will pray for you as you make your decision.

Erika said...

Praying for you. My heart is aching for you- just aching and hurting right now. I had a lot of scares with my first pregnancy- ultrasounds that weren't "right"- and that ended in a healthy baby. But that was before I became a baby loss mama, so I understand the fear and heartache that goes along when you have experienced the other side of things.

Keeping you close to my heart...(((hugs)))

Laura said...

Praying...I wish I had a rich word for you...praying for the bitter taste in your mouth to be replaced with the sweet taste of hope.

Sending you hugs and much love...

Laura

Becky said...

Kristi -

I don't have the right words so no words at all are best. Just know I am praying. The theme of your post is waiting, which is what you are doing. I love to listen to 'While I'm Waiting' by John Waller. It is from the movie Fireproof. The message in the words touch my heart.

Anonymous said...

I lost a child at 24 weeks, he lived 18 hours. My following 2 pregnancies were "normal" in that I carried them to term and they were born healthy. However, from about week 22, I would have been examined by any dr anywhere, anytime, anyhow to reassure me and get me through another day that my baby was ok. Only you know what is best for you. But if you could know a peace by having more testing done in the big City I would go. Waiting 2 weeks isn't going to change the outcome. But it could possibly bring you a peace of knowing this was a false test with inacurate information that could be causing you undo emotional distress. I will continue praying for you daily.

Shannon said...

Praying for you Kirsty.

Melissa said...

If you have time, take a moment to read MckMama and Angie Smith's newest posts about prayer and miracles. I hope that it will give you some peace.
www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com
www.mycharmingkids.net

Sharon said...

Kristy,
I have been reading your blog for several months and have always been encouraged by your faith and strength. My heart hurts for you right now, but I know that God said that He would never leave us or forsake us. He is in control of this situation, no matter how hard it is for us at the time.

God gave women a special gift...it is called instinct. Go with it. If it will make you rest easier and not worry, go have the other sonogram done instead of waiting for two weeks. That doesn't mean that you don't have faith, sometimes we just need assurance.

I am praying for you and believing for a healthy baby girl.

Millie said...

My prayers are with you. If I were you, I would want the test as soon as possible. It was a shock to be diagnosed in utero with Colin's severe heart condition, but I was SO impatient, I had every test recommended, to give some sort of peace of mind, and had an amnio the same day to make sure nothing else was wrong. That's just me though, because I'm a worrier anyway, so I know that I could never hold out two weeks. You are in my prayers.
Millie and Colin-HLHS

Alicia said...

Kristy,
Praying for you....(((Hugs)))
God is big enough for our anger and He surely understands.
If you need anything, please let me know. For now I will continue to lift you and your family in prayer.

happy gram said...

oh i am so sorry for your anxiety and your worries - and yes, they are absolutely warranted. it is SO hard to just wait after all you've been through. if i lived close OR if i was wealthy, i would jump on a plane and go with you and hold your hand - or give you a day of your hubby's salary so he could go or just whatever it would take to help you right now. i would go to pittsburgh as well because i would make myself sick with worry which wouldn't be good for anyone. were all your babies somewhat small? if she is within the normal range but on the low end that would make sense. alyssa's liam was around 4 and 1/2 lbs and very very tiny and is perfectly healthy. i pray this for you. and i appreciate and understand your anger - don't beat yourself up. anger IS the normal emotion to be feeling right now. and underneath that anger is your fear which is also normal. i will pray for you so so much - much love, jan

Elaine said...

I've never posted, but follow your blog daily. Don't be too hard on yourself. Every feeling you have is justified. If it were me, I'd go. I'm guessing this is why your instinct was to contact him to begin with. If it will possibly ease your stess level this would be good for Baby Girl. You are in my prayers.

Kim said...

Praying...

Sheryl said...

you know i have no words. i just come here and say the same thing over & over. i am praying and i love you.

part of me wants to say to continue to stand believing that all is well. go back to the day before the last ultrasound. don't let satan throw you off track. don't let satan still your joy. and then i think - who am i to tell you such things!!!

so i won't say those things.

Greg said...

Kristy, I am praying for you and wish I had something better to offer or something wise to say. But God will hear us & He loves you and will take care of you. Praying for a healthy baby and peace for you...

Laura said...

Kristy, honey, I am praying for you and your family. You know my history and where I am coming from as a Christian physician and mother of a child with congenital heart disease and more babies in Heaven than here with me. I understand how traumatic it can be, but I think it would be best to go ahead and get her checked out. If the us in 2 weeks is not significantly improved, they are going to send you there anyway and I do not want you to go through this prolonged agony. You are a tremendously faithful and strong woman. For me, not knowing was always so hard. You have a caring doctor waiting there for you to do an indepth evaluation, you need to have some peace but you won't be able to find that until you get more answers. You have to do what you think is right for you, but that is my hearfelt advice, my friend.

Love, Laura

Julia said...

i think you should go to pittsburgh. this sucks kristy. I have been a lurker for a long time, and am finally commenting. I can't believe this is happening to you. It totally sucks. For me, I would go to Pittsburgh. I would need to know.
I feel awful for you. Just awful, and in disbelief.
JR

Anonymous said...

I'll be on my knees praying for you tonight...

Allison said...

I am so sorry, sometimes all you can do is cry and it is okay. You know God sees every tear. If it were me, I'd already be there in Pittsburgh! But just do what feels right in your heart. Praying for you guys!

Debbie said...

My heart aches for you. We will keep you and family in our prayers. Stay strong - He loves you.

Susie (So Blessed) said...

Kristy,
Just to let you know that before I go to sleep, I am lifting you, your family and your precious baby in prayer.
Love you,
Susie

Chelsea Pang said...

I am so sorry. This is so hard and your faith is tested. You know faith but its sounds like it is hard to feel what you know. May wisdom and divine peace wash over you and your family during these challenges.

Shannon said...

As I think about you today, and cry out for you today, my heart is so very heavy.

I am mad FOR you Kristy. I know our Jesus loves you, and that He's got you and your sweet baby, and your family, but I am so mad for you that you have been robbed at this moment of the peace you have so faithfully been believing and praying for.

You're on my heart and in my prayers.

Jennifer said...

Kristy, May God deliver you peace in your decisions.

I can't tell you what to do (A: because I'm not you .. B: I've never been there ..), but if I were in a similar situation .. I think I would go ahead and go to Pittsburgh.

I'm praying for your family and your little one

siscaboo said...

Praying for you.

(((HUGS)))

ajc4ever said...

Just wanted to pop over here to say that God has kept you on my mind all day and I am praying bunches for you guys!!

Penny said...

As I sit in my chair I am not sure what to comment. I would love to be able to give you some peace, to fix it all. I think we women strive for that, but only God can give you peace. For me I would be in the car heading to PA. My state of mind for 2 weeks would be a mess and I would not be able to eat or help my baby to grow. I guess I am just a need to know girl.

I am praying for your little girl along with baby Stellan and baby Noah. Do you have a name for her yet??? I know I can pray for your baby without it, God knows. Just like he knows the outcome of this story. You and your baby are heavy on my heart. I will be checking in daily.

Praying for peace..........