Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Guilty

Lately I have been struggling with feelings of guilt. Many days it is like I am wearing this heavy cloak of guilt that is keeping me from truly enjoying the blessings that God has so graciously bestowed upon us. I am hoping that maybe by getting some of it out I will be able to let go of some of the guilt and more fully embrace the blessings of each day.

I feel my baby girl (still feels weird to say) moving and dancing within me and I wonder what on earth I did to deserve to be blessed like this. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude that God has once again chosen to trust me with one of his children. I have had the privilege to be the mommy to not one but five of his precious ones, and believe me it is not a job I take lightly. I know that there are many women out there that may never get the opportunity to experience the miracle of being pregnant. I often find myself wondering why God continues to bless us. We surely don't deserve it. I can't help but feel guilty that we get to experience all of this a fifth time while some struggle and yearn for children and that prayer is never answered.

I vividly remember what it was like to have my body and heart reeling from the loss of my baby only to be surrounded by happy pregnant moms, they were EVERYWHERE. Not that I wasn't happy for each of them, but it brought up a tinge of sadness and jealousy, I remember feeling guilty for feeling that way, and now I feel guilty that I am the pregnant one while other moms are still reeling from their own loss or anticipating one. I have said a thousand times that the incredible joy that comes with being pregnant again does not in any way change the sorrow I hold in my heart from losing Isaac and Asher, but I know that when you are on the outside looking in, you can't see the paradox and how difficult it is.

I am now 26 weeks along and as you know, my body tends to act more as a convection oven rather than a conventional one. Each of the boys were a few weeks early. This little one may be the one to keep us waiting or she may arrive early just as her brothers did, either way it is getting more and more difficult not to look ahead. Somewhere between 10 and 14 weeks from now we will get to meet this new little blessing and we pray that we are able to bring her home. Along with that prayer comes a little panic. No project in this house gets done quickly. I am the type who agonizes over just the right paint color for WEEKS before being able to actually take the step and the other details are no easier.

Monday night, while I was working, Howard cleared out the nursery that once was Benjamin's and began removing the wall paper border and preparing the walls for a fresh coat of paint. When I heard the commotion I knew just what he was doing. I would be lying if I said my heart did not sink when I realized that he was clearing out the "baby boy" to make room for the "baby girl". I have just repeatedly stacked things in that empty room and kept the door shut. I have been putting off the inevitable. Not because I am not excited that we have reason to prepare that room again, but because I vividly remember coming home after having Isaac.

We had no idea anything was wrong with Isaac until the day he was born. I had experienced 37 weeks of a healthy uneventful pregnancy when the bottom dropped out. Our home was prepared for our new son and coming home without him to a home that was fully prepared for him was the closest thing I can imagine to Hell on earth.

There has been comfort in having all boys thus far. We have had all of the boy stuff we could need and that has allowed for preparing at the last moment. We waited quite a while before preparing a room for Benjamin, knowing that we had all of the necessities. With Asher, we knew the reality was very likely that he would not come home with us, but we knew if God granted us the miracle we so desperately prayed for, that all of those necessities were just downstairs and could be brought up in a moment.

This time, I feel God calling me to once again step out of my comfort zone. The girl thing, while exciting has stretched me our side of that zone to say the least. He has really been doing a "new thing" in every sense of the word in our lives. I know that in all honesty this baby could come home, sleep in a cleaned out drawer and have a happy life even if the house is not "prepared" for her, but my body is in that "nesting" mode and I feel the need to clear everything out and make room for her.

I need to get up each morning and remind myself of the NEW thing God is doing in my life. Not to leave my grief behind necessarily but to pick it up and carry it along with me without fear, embracing the joy of today. More than anything I wish for the blissful ignorance of my first pregnancy, where mommies get pregnant and babies live. My reality is different now. In some ways I do miss that "ignorance" and in some ways I am equally thankful for my new perspective, knowing that each DAY is a gift, and that we are not ever promised a tomorrow. I have been holding back, trying to protect my heart. I have given birth to four sweet boys and had to say good bye to TWO of them much too soon. They have taught me so much about life and love. I am so thankful for them and the gifts they have given to me.

The thing is that I know all too well that sometimes babies die, I also know that walking the road of loss once does not exempt you from walking it again. Sometimes we pray harder than we have ever prayed only to find that our prayers were not within God's will. It hurts. I am wounded, still walking with a limp. Still trying to figure out how to live a life balancing grief and joy. I surely don't have this figured out. I want to embrace the idea of bringing a healthy baby home and getting to raise her, and yet my reality keeps reminding me that sometimes that is not what happens. I feel guilty for not embracing the idea that she will come home and for guarding my heart, and yet guilty if I forget the lessons I have learned and don't just embrace today no matter what tomorrow brings.

18 comments:

Kristi said...

Hi. I have been following your blog for several weeks and am so inspired by your strength and honesty. I wanted to tell you something that came to my mind as soon as I read your post today.

Guilt comes from the enemy, satan. Conviction comes from the Holy Spirit.

You are a child of the King and He does not want you to despair or feel guilty. None of us deserve what we have but God blesses anyway! I will be praying for you this week. May God bless you even more!

A fellow sister in Christ,
Kristi

Laurie in Ca. said...

Kristy,

I have been and will continue to pray for God's sweet balance in your life and heart right now. I can't imagine the fine line you walk in your heart but He knows and He will bring you through. I understand the guilt to an extent, but I want to encourage you to turn the guilt to gratitude, knowing that none of us deserve His blessings He so generously pours out on us. He just does it because He loves us. Praying for your heart and the balance only He can give. I love you Kristy.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Lea said...

The guilt is inevitable and I relate so much to your story...thank you for sharing. Here's to peace in your heart.

Lea

mrsrubly said...

i love it! just embrace today no matter what tomorrow brings~~wow! what a statement i needed this afternoon! BAM god sent me to your post so i could so read this Kristie! thank you thank you..don't feel guilty. this is Satan coming onto your emotions..you are in full blown nesting right now..embrace this time..yet it's ok to miss Isaac and Asher. you will find the right balance between joy and grief..why? b/c your an awesome mommy...

jendakerr said...

Wow, I can almost feel my own heart torn with the conflicted emotions you are experiencing. If I feel so much by just reading, i can't imagine living it. If only it was as easy "to be still and know "as it is to say the words. I am praying for peace...

Sheryl said...

No great words today, just want you to know I love ya!!

♥ Somebody Loved ♥ said...

Kristy,
Me again.
I have visited before... but not for awhile. I am glad I came back to check on you.

I am so excited about baby girl inside your tummy. Sad that you are afraid to assume she will be coming home with you... fear of going through the pain once again that you know so well.

I think that fear is natural. Afterall you have been through. I will pray for you... so that you will not be overcome with fear.

I am so grateful that you are willing to share your story with us.

ToOdLeS.ShEiLa

Chris and Emily said...

Thanks for sharing so openly as always.
praying for you and your heart.
Praying God will take your fear and guilt and that you'll enjoy all the sweet moments of preparing for baby girl.

much love

Emily said...

You're doing it. You're fighting the good fight, running the race, and the prize will indeed be yours. Keep pressing on and looking to the Lord, for we both know He is the ONLY one strong enough to carry us through this season... and every season to come.

Devon said...

dont beat yourself up...

you are a mom who knows that sometimes babies die. its a reality most dont have to live with. and its only natural that you would doubt that this little girl will come home...noone would blame you for that.

i will be praying that god would lay peace on your heart so you can fully enjoy these last weeks of pregnancy...and prepare for her arrival with a happy heart...not a fearful one.

((hugs))

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Praying for you... for freedom from the burden of guilt...praying for the grace to embrace today...praying for your entire family as you wait on the Lord to prepare the way...trusting His promise to do a NEW thing...no matter what tomorrow brings...

May He send a season of joy and restoration to the Bolte family...

Heli gunner Tom said...

We sure need to get help and prayers from our fellow Christians, but reading/ studying the Bible every single day is KEY, IMHO. I personally email and call people to encourage them-- and then I get encouraged too.

Cordially,
Bro. Tom S
tschuckman@aol.com
Wisconsin.

Michelle said...

Praying for you Kristy!

Devin said...

I'm always praying for you Kristy. I do understand these feelings so well....more than I can say.

Always, always praying.

Mindy said...

Hang in there sweetie. I think what you are feeling is "normal" for someone in your situation. But you need to stop those feelings that some might say "satan" is casting apon you and live in the moment because your right today is the only thing that is guaranteed. Your little Girl growing inside you deserves for you to embrace every little thing about this pregnancy. Pick out the paint, buy "Girlie" things and have fun with it! God is trusting you with another little life that has to stand for something!!
Much Love,
Mindy

Michelle said...

I am brought here again tonight and reread your post! God put you on my heart today and I have been praying for you!

Erika said...

I can relate so much to what you've written- thank you for your strength and honesty. Thank you for sharing!!!

Tony and Myra said...

I don't know how it feels to have a child meet the lord. My baby suffers so much though. I just wonder... Anyway, I know how it feels to see other children and have those feelings of "why can't my baby be.." YOu are so blessed to have such great support. May the Lord continue to bless you.