Not So OK

So I would love to come here and tell you that peace has overcome me and that it is all well with my soul, but that would be a gigantic lie.



I had my temper tantrum yesterday. After a failed attempt at talking about it all to my sweet, pillar of strength, faith never waivers, husband I left. I got in the car and drove to the lake where no one was around,( so as not to frighten anyone or end up in an institution) and I threw my fit. I screamed, I yelled, I cried, I begged, I pounded the steering wheel. It felt a little "Bruce Almighty" if you are familiar with that movie, and I expected to feel better after I had it all out and I don't.



Now I feel kind of hollow. Like I have said it all. I have laid it all out there before God and I have nothing left to say. He knows my heart and I have said it all. I am still angry though. I feel like the child who just can't live up to her Father's expectations. I have been dealt a tough deck of cards more times in my life than I can count. I have gotten through life without a mother and have had to give back two of the children He blessed me with. I have done it all, not always willingly, not always with an open hand, but I have done it. I have done all I can to remain faithful and continue to fight the good fight, but friends I am weary. I am tired of fighting.



I find myself wondering what I did not learn in my previous experiences that God is wanting me to learn again. I want to believe that this is all just doctors being overly cautious and that our baby girl will come home and be perfectly healthy. I want to believe God doing a new thing in my life means allowing my baby to live, to get to go to a baby shower not a baby funeral. The truth is though that God has allowed this pain in my life not once but twice and there is no guarantee that he is not doing it third time.



That said, I know without a doubt that regardless of what ultrasounds say or doctors predict, God is in control of all of this. He has given us this child as a gift. She is so loved and wanted. I am so very in love with her and I marvel at her kicks and rolls and I can't wait to get to see who she is and what God has in store for her, but I am terrified that that means letting her go. I just want to bring home a healthy baby.

As a side note...I just got a call from the doctor's office and not only did the ultrasound not go quite as hoped, but I am also anemic and I failed my glucose test and have to go in Monday for the three hour test! UGH! Seriously? Can just one thing go well, I really really really am frustrated and angry and at a complete loss.

I am asking for your prayers, because right now I just don't have the strength or the words to do it myself.