Wednesday, February 20, 2008

God, please give me wisdom...

I am struggling a lot today. When everything happened on Monday it was almost as though I slipped into autopilot. I just nodded my head and let everyone poke and prod without much emotion or expression. I could feel myself zoning out but it was almost like a coping mechanism. The world was going much faster than my mind could process and so I basically shut down. I can remember this happening when Isaac was born also.

Today I am trying to take the time and process all of what is happening. Sometimes it all seems so surreal. Almost like I am just a bystander in my own life, watching from the bleachers. I am feeling so confused and frustrated right now. It seems that many times when I pray, God answers with the opposite answer. It was tough enough knowing that our baby was going to have such significant health issues, but now prematurity on top of that. My due date is not until April 6th so I was assuming he would likely come mid March but I never anticipated February. I feel cheated out of time. I remember with my c section with Isaac, feeling that he had literally been RIPPED away from me unexpectedly and I am feeling that same feeling now. I am not ready for this. But I guess God has a different idea.

I know that God's timing is perfect and I am praying that he continues to keep his mighty hand on all of this but I cannot help but question him. All of this said, my biggest prayer today is that God will give me the wisdom and courage not to waste all of what I have been given. I do still have a few days left to carry this precious boy and am very excited to meet him. I want to make the most of my time with him and not waste it being angry. This is something I am going to need God's help with though! Because I am angry and hurt and confused. I want to celebrate Happy's life and use these remaining days to prepare and enjoy being pregnant with him for just a little while longer. I mean, I don't even know if I will EVER be pregnant again...which is so hard to imagine.

I also am praying for Luke and Ben today. We have not told Luke yet about any of this. We felt we did not have enough solid information to tell him ahead of time and we didn't want to scare him. He is so looking forward to bringing his new baby brother home. He is preparing his room so that Ben can move in with him and everything. I am praying that God will give us the words and the widsom to explain all of this to Luke in a way that he can begin to understand and not be scared. He still speaks of Isaac with such love, yet will still cry at times because he wants his brother here with him. It is heartbreaking!

So my prayers today are for wisdom...wisdom not to waste even a moment of this experience with bitterness, wisdom to prepare our boys.


Bobbie said...

I will be praying that God gives you wisdom, strength, the right words and time.

I will also be praying that He helps you enjoy Happy for whatever time you have left. Whether it be short or long.

Thanks for updating us. I read everytime and update my prayer list.


Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) said...

I will pray for wisdom today.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for the past few weeks and have been praying for you. I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning and you were on my mind, so I started praying for you, that God would perform a miracle in your life. Praying for wisdom, peace and emotional well being for you. God is good!!

Anonymous said...

Prayers from a mom in California. May you truly feel that peace that surpasses all understanding.

Melissa Dovel said...

Praying that what ever His plan is that you are able to trust it and enjoy- I think the hardest part righ now has to be trusting. I would like to say a million things to you but U dont need that- you just need to know that you have sisters who are praying on their knees for your precious miracle.

(((HUGS to you)))Melissa

Court said...

Praying for you today ~ for wisdom, peace, strength and grace, as you travel down this unknown journey. Thankfully the Lord knows the journey and He is walking right beside you. God is God and He is good. He is being glorified through your journey and all that come in your path have been touched and blessed in ways you'll never know. Praying for you right now. ~ Courtney

Anonymous said...

May God grant you the strength and wisdom to get through this very difficult time. Hold onto your belly, and know that you are holding onto your son, and that you have given him so much love already. Enjoy every second you have with him. God, Bless Kristy, Howard, Luke, Ben and Baby Happy.

I will continue to pray my heart out for you. Stay strong. And know that I am here if you need anything. *hugs* to you.


Michelle said...

I don't know you but I have been keeping up with your blog and your family. My heart goes out to you and I will be praying for you! I struggled emotionally with my son being born premature and by csection... you described it better than I could have in words and I can relate although I have no idea the depth because our conditions are different. Each baby is a precious creation from God. Your boys are lovely.


Laurie in Ca. said...

Praying for you today Kristy for wisdom and the grace to accept Gods will right now. And I am asking Him to give you the right words to speak to Luke that are just right for his understanding. You have so much going on right now and I ask God to give you His peace that passes all understanding right now. I won't stop praying for Happy and for you.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Jenny said...

I hope you are able to find the strength to really enjoy these last few days with Happy.

Remember that even without everything else you're going through- it's normal to grieve the loss of being pregnant (I know when I had Bryant I was happy to him but I really missed being pregnant and having him all to myself.)

Have you made a belly cast? Maybe that's something you could do in these last few days... seems like it might be a good way to celebrate Happy's life within you.

You're in my thoughts and prayers... -Jenny

PS: Email me if you have no idea what I'm talking about with the belly cast.

Alicia said...


Praying for you and your family!! Praying for wisdom and for peace to surround you.

I am about 1 hr south of Erie, if you need anything, need to talk, let me know....

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for a couple of weeks and thinking about you and your family. When I read your latest entries, I felt your fear and I know how paralyzing that is. I felt the need to share with you what the Lord has shown me.

I have struggled with why the Lord does not answer my prayers the way I ask and a lot of times like you said, gives the opposite. The Lord showed me that He is the One who has the plan for our lives and He will finish it and it is ALL for His glory. He wants us to give it all to Him and that is hard. I try to hang onto the controls. When I realize that I have been doing that again, I pray and give them to Him again. I am very slow to learn and stubborn! The Lord knows what He is doing and He can handle anything, it is so freeing!

Even though my heart hurts for you, I can't imagine how painful this time is for you, but Jesus knows exactly. His heart and body was broken for us, because of His love for us. We will never endure the pain that He did for us. He is always reminding me that any pain I feel, He understands and He has a plan.

My own fear kept me from being able to see the truth. We know that He loves us and never forsakes us because the Bible says so. I personally had to confess my fears to the Lord and gave Him all my dreams and desires. He will give me back what He desires for me and it is all about Him anyway. For the Bible says, 1 Corinthians 6:20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's. We are not here on this earth for ourselves, but for the Lord Jesus Christ and His glory. Jesus will take that fear and turn it into love and wisdom. We are to fear nothing, but Him. I pray that the Lord would give you the love, wisdom and the eyes to see the truth in all this with Happy ~ for His glory and your good.
with love in Christ,

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to let you know that not only have I been praying for you, but I had you included on our prayer list at our MOPS Steering meeting this morning, too. You couldn't have a better support system and I'm sure you're aware of that.

Enjoy every moment of your last days being pregnant with Happy. I hope they're the best ever!

Take care, Nicole

Christa said...

My heart is breaking for you and your family. I wish we could understand the mind of God...because I honestly don't understand why things like this happen to wonderful families like yours. You are such a strong person in your faith, and I admire you for that.

I am praying so very hard for Happy. I am praying that we all see a miracle on Monday, and if that is not in His plans that he would grant everyone in your beautiful family a sense of peace and calm.

I hope that knowing that there are so many of us praying so hard for all of you gives you a little peace. I can't imagine what your heart is feeling right now.

Enjoy Happy, he is such a blessed little boy to have a mama like you. We will be praying with out ceasing this week and into Monday.

Anxious AF said...

Praying for you in Illinois.

Anonymous said...

Kristy I am praying for you and your family and am going to let others know to pray for you and your family.


Rachel said...

Praying for you all right now. May God give you wisdom in the many decisions you have to make and may you rest knowing He holds you and all of your boys in the palm of his hand.
May you feel an amazing peace over the next few days as you lean on Him when you can't handle this all all on your own. Praying that Happy is born in God's perfect timing and is able to spend precious time with you and your family so that you may share your love with him.
Praying in PA

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you, Howard, Luke and Ben.

Angela in central Ohio

Anonymous said...

...and of course, I am praying and praying for Happy to be healed, completely healed.

Angela in central Ohio

Devin said...

I will continue to pray, Kristy....
Devin in Illinois

Cheryl Haggard said...

I have been reading your blog after seeing it posted on the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep forum, as a prayer request. Please know that my heart and thoughts are with you all during this time. Your family and your son Happy will be in my prayers.

I keep coming back to a passage in the book, The Purpose Driven Life,-Day 2, talks about "God made you for a reason. He decided when you would be born and how long you would live. God planned where you'd be born and where you would live for his purpose, and most amazing, God decided how you would be born. God never does anything accidentally, and he never makes mistakes. He has a reason for everything he creates. Every person was designed with a purpose in mind. There is a God who made you for a reason, and your life has profound meaning..."

May you and your family receive many blessings through the birth of your son Happy.
With Love,
Cheryl Haggard
Cofounder NILMDTS

Anonymous said...

Praying for wisdom for you and Howard! I know it will be difficult to try to explain to Luke and Ben. Praying God gives you the words to reach them on their level. God bless your family during this uncertain time!

Sheryl said...

I just came across your blog tonight and read the entire thing. Not even sure how I got here. Want you to know that I will be praying for you in Michigan. I am praying you can Trust God, period, just trust Him. I will also be praying for those specifics prayer requests you have posted also.

Julie said...

We will be praying for you.

I am amazed that you know Gwyneth, Nate and Tricia. I know them through a CF site they belong do (my DH has CF) amazing what a small world it is!

Anonymous said...

Time and circumstance has led us in different directions, and it's been quite awhile since I've seen you guys.

Please know that I'm sending positive thoughts and many prayers to your entire family.

All my best,