Tuesday, February 5, 2008

If you want to know how to help us....

"The Lord is like a father to His children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he understands how weak we are, he knows we are only dust." Psalm 103:13-14

I sat here for a good deal of time this morning debating whether or not I should go to MOPS, which for those of you who do not know, stands for Mothers of Preschoolers. It is a christian group and this particular group has been so great to me through all of my trials. I have not been able to go since this journey began because all of my doctors appointments have conflicted with the time and day. I have been somewhat of a hermit lately. This is completely not like me. I am usually constantly on the go. I have been kind of in self preservation mode lately. So many people around us don't know what to say or how to act and that awkwardness is more than I can handle most days. I chose not to go and to stay in the safety of my home. The thought of anyone coming up to me and showing pity or sorrow for me was more than I thought I could handle today. (So instead I sit here listening as the sump pump alarm rings, praying our basement stays dry in this crazy weather!)

Everyone means so well and I know that, and yet it seems that most of our family has pretty much completely pulled away and very seldomly if ever even mentions the baby. We have many friends who have done the same. And then to the opposite end there are those who mean so well and just come up and cry and tell us how sorry they are for our circumstances and make a huge deal of it. Believe me I know no one knows just what to do or what to say, but neither of these things help in any way. It actually adds to the hurt. So I thought I would take some time today to tell everyone what we do need. Maybe this will help make things just a little less awkward.

You see, we are trying to live life as normally as possible. We agree that the outcome of our situation MAY be a sad one, but we cannot dwell on that now. We need everyone to treat us as usual. We are different yet the same. I am expecting a baby that I am so very excited to meet! Do not be afraid to ask about him or how I am doing. I so enjoy when people openly ask about him. I remember after Isaac died, there were several instances that hurt me so deeply because people did not acknowledge him. Going on as though he never existed hurts way more than celebrating his life! I remember a few months after his death I was engaged in a conversation with other moms about our children and one of the moms asked about Isaac's hair. I will be forever thankful that she included him in the conversation! She got it! He too was my child just like Luke and Ben.

Don't be afraid that being open and honest with me will hurt me any more. If you have a question, ask. I am thinking about Happy every moment of every day so you won't be bringing up anything I am not already thinking about. It hurts me much more when the topic is avoided, but at the same time, I do not look at this as tragedy so please don't look at me with pity and sorrow. We are rejoicing that God has chosen us to be the parents of this special little boy. Though the circumstances are tough, babies are a blessing! Something to celebrate regardless! I am always grateful when others share in the joy of our new blessing. The fact is that we would not have chosen this path for ourselves, but for some reason God did. So we need to try, as hard as it is to just embrace what he gives without holding back. We need to love Happy without reservation. He may be with us for a very short time or a lifetime! With Isaac I made the mistake of thinking that if I guarded my heart it would hurt less. That is so not true! Our children deserve our unconditional passionate love for them no matter what and that is just what this little guy is going to get from us. So when you don't know what to say, just let us know you love us and are praying for us. Check on us to see how we are doing. Never be afraid to stop by or call. It is amazing, but our phone NEVER rings anymore unless it is a politician recording! So just love us and let God take care of the rest. He knows best what words we need. Pray for us and love us! When we are feeling weak, help us get to Him!


Jenny said...

Thank you for the great reminders :)

Personally, I can hardly wait to see pictures of Happy when he's born. The 3D pictures you have on your side bar are awesome. They didn't have 3D ultrasounds when I was pregnant with Bryant 6 years go.

I don't know where you live but I hope you're staying warm. It's only about 7 degrees in Boise. COLD!

Laurie in Ca. said...

Wow Kristy,
Now you're talking. I wish everyone you came in contact with daily would read this. It would benefit them. One thing that really spoke to my heart is that Isaac taught you not to hold back on loving, bless his heart. And now Happy is reaping the love because of his brother. Thank you Isaac for this and for so much more that you taught your mommy. Children are always, always a gift from God. Each one formed by Him, loved by Him, and each one has a purpose in our lives. Thank you so much for your honesty and sharing Happy with us. I sure am looking forward to meeting this little guy and seeing what good things he has in store for you. Your words fill me with hope as I know you love Happy so much already. I continue to pray for a miracle, I know He is able if it's His will. Being a hermit is okay with Him, you won't always be this way, but for now, it is safe and peaceful. The Lord is with you wherever you are as He keeps His eye on Happy where he is safe. I am praying for Luke and Ben to just be kids and enjoy life as normal to them. I am sorry for the friends who have pulled away, but maybe it is best to not see their confusion.
Happy needs a happy environment to arrive into, after all, it is about him and the Lord, and your loving family of soon to be six. Yes, I counted right. Isaac will always be there with you.
I don't have your phone #, but if I did, I would make your phone ring from time to time to say Hi.

Love and Hugs and Prayers and HOPE,
Laurie in Ca.

Bobbie said...

My 11 year old daughter said it best.

She was talking to a new girl at school. The new girl said something like, you don't have ANY brothers? The whole office got quiet. We were sitting in the office at dismisal. They all went through everything with us with Johnathan.

She said yes, I have a brother, I can't play with him like other people do their brothers. But, I remember him and love him everyday. He died last year but, he is still my brother and if you would like to know about him here is my phone number call me sometime and I will tell you about him.

I wanted so bad to reach in and help her with that but, she found words before I could.

She just talks about him so easily. People don't know how to take that. It makes them very uncomfortable. But, I would never think to stop her from talking about him and remembering things about him.

I don't even know why I told you that story. lol.

I just wish I could give you a hug and anytime you want to talk about how you are feeling whether be the good the bad or the ugly. I will listen.

Celebrate your child. Celebrate your pregnancy. Rejoice in the fact that the Lord bestowed this gift unto you.

Most importantly, no matter what love your baby. If no one can understand that, then that is something they have to deal with. Don't put it on your shoulders. Because the most important people in that baby's life are the people in that house with you.

I made a mistake I think anyway with JT which was trying to get everyone to see him like I did. Not a baby that was sick. But, a baby pure and simple something to be celebrated. My own husband couldn't see this. It hurt. It still hurts.

But, you do what you have to do to give Happy a lifetime worth of love in whatever time long or short that you may have.

I am praying for you for God to lift you up to help you in this journey that you are on. It is a very bumpy road. And it isn't easy which you already know.


IF you ever want to read about Johnathan, here is his caringbridge site.

Laughing Momma said...

I am so drawn to your story, and I am so glad that you are embracing this journey. A dear friend of my sisters carried Adalyn Ryan to term, a beautiful pregnancy, a typical birth, until her heart stopped in the birth canal. It took 20 minutes to get her heart beating again, and by that time her brain function was none existant.
Her mom, Andrea, has struggled just like you. I think almost secretly begging for others to ask the questions and not pretend that it never happened. Everyone has gone back to normal, but her arms are still empty. Her heart in a million pieces.
I think that is why blogging is so theraputic for grief. Your story gives honor to Happys life. Celebrating his life, for whatever amount of time. You help us by naming him(where did Happy come from anyway???Nickname or real???)and talking about him and anticipating his arrival.
And I am so glad that you have included Isaac in this story, bringing out those photos and remembering him as well.
May your day blessed with joy in unexpected places.

Lauderdale MS

G&G Girl said...

Thank you for your post. (We don't know each other and I'm not sure if I've posted a comment before or not, but I've been following your blog for some time now.) It was wonderful to be reminded of how best to minister to our friends (and I suppose even strangers) when they are in precarious positions we're not experienced with.

Also, I loved your post on Happy's name. I had searched your blog archives for an explanation behind the name. I'll look forward to learning your sweet baby boy's name when he arrives. :)

Praying for your family and anticipating a beautiful and blessed birth of Happy.