Wednesday, February 6, 2008

A wave of grief has hit...

Today for some reason has been an excruciating day. I feel like I am suffocating. The morning started as all others...I got up with Ben, threw in a load of laundry, snuggled with Ben until Luke got up and then made them breakfast. While they were eating I checked email. I then got the kids dressed and we went about our day. Around lunchtime though I just began to feel different. You see, for the most part, I appear to be pretty strong and at peace about all of this. Truly, I am not. I looked at the pictures of Isaac hanging in the living room and it all began to flood back to me. The anguish of watching him struggle in the hospital, the difficulty of deciding whether we stay at the NICU with Isaac or go home and see Luke, explaining all of this to Luke who was awaiting a baby brother, and worst of all going home on that July day empty handed.

So many people, meaning well tell you that the pain goes away or subsides. I beg to differ. When I think back the pain is just as sharp and real today as it was two years ago. I will never forget the physical ache of sitting at home without a baby to hold. I still ache to hold Isaac just one more time! Most days I am able to try and shove this anguish somewhere else and consume myself with my day, but today it fought it's way to the forefront. I got the boys lunch and went to my room and just began to sob. I can feel Happy moving inside of me and while I cannot wait to see him, it seems that time is passing me by WAY too fast. I am already almost 33 weeks pregnant. 37 weeks is the farthest I have gone into a pregnancy. Luke was born at 35. This means Happy is due to make his arrival somewhere between two and seven weeks from now! Likely closer to 4. For the first time I actually got on my knees and wept in my room. I began pleading with God not to allow me to go through this again. My heart just cannot handle it. I begged God to save our son and to save us from the pain of losing another one of our children. I hadn't really done this before. I pray all the time for God to heal him, but today was different. It was raw and painful. I just cannot begin to fathom why God would want us to suffer in such a way again!

I feel somewhat like I am having a break down! I got myself together and went to clean up lunch. I got Ben ready for his nap and usually I read him a story and just put him in bed. I could not put him down today. I rocked and held him for as long as he would allow. Of course he then decided it was time to go to bed and pointed to his crib and asked for his blanket :-) which most times is awesome that he wants to go to sleep on his own, but today I just wanted to hold him in my aching arms.

I sit here trying very hard to make sense of all of this. It certainly not that I am losing faith in God. I am just so consumed with hurt. To go through nine months of pregnancy and then have your baby taken from you is the most undescribable pain I can imagine. The thought of possibly having to do all of this again almost makes my heart stop beating. It is like an elephant is sitting on my heart and crushing it more and more.

I know that feelings like this are normal, and actually probably more healthy than to go on pretending everything is ok and normal, and I know that these waves will come and go as time goes on. It seems as though not only am I terrified of where this pregnancy and Happy's birth may take me but I am also grieving the loss of Isaac all over again and it is more than I can bear!

So, I am asking that you all continue to pray for a miracle but also for my heart and the hearts of my family. This is such a difficult road to walk and sometimes it seems completely unbearable. In the next week or so we will have so many decisions to make and planning to do. Many of the discussions we will be having will be relatively easy, but others will be discussions NO parent should have to have, so please also pray for this. Some of the upcoming decisions we will be thinking about are:

-c section or natural birth - Though I would prefer natural, if it will be too hard on Happy's body, I wan to make the choice that will maximize our time with him and cause him the least stress.

- where to give birth - Erie or Pittsburgh

- who will care for our boys, considering who will bring them to the hospital immediately and often and will provide the smallest amount of upset in their lives

- How much time Howard will take off from work

- what measures we want doctors to take to keep Happy alive should there prove to be problems

- What things are important for us to plan for his birth and arrival as well as things we will need in the hospital

Like I said these are just a few of the things we are thinking about right now...there will be many more decisions to come so please keep us in prayer as we prepare to weather the storm if necessary, though we are hoping it won't be necessary! Thank you all for your continued support and love! I think I need a nap! :-)



Just wanted to let you know that I prayed for you last night and woke up praying for you. I read my devotions ... Psalm 46...last night and this was in it (I immediately thought of you and other ladies I've been reading about)
The enemies of the church may toss her as waves, but they shall not split her as rocks. She may be dipped in water as a feather, but shall not sink therein as lead. He that is a well of water within her to keep her from fainting, will also prove a wall of fire about her to preserve her from falling. Tried she may be, but destroyed she cannot be. Her foundation is the Rock of Ages, and her defense the everlasting Arms. By William Secker

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through today. I will pray for Happy and for you too.

Hilary said...

My heart goes out to you. I feel your desperation with God. And I just pray for you and your family.
Continue to go to God with your emotions. He wants us to be honest with Him.
Oh, I pray He gives you the desires of your heart.
I pray for you.

Devin said...

Hello there,

I found your blog thru Kenzie Stanfield, and I just wanted to tell you that I am praying for you. I have linked your blog to mine under my 'praying for' section, and I know I have several prayer warriors that read my blog that will pray for you, Happy, and your family as well.

I lost my fourth child to miscarriage in December of last year. It was one of the hardest, if not THE hardest, things I have ever had to walk thru. I am so sorry that God has chosen you to walk this path of grief again with another one of your children--I can't even begin to imagine that--but I can say with complete certainty that He is using you and your family to bring others closer to Him. I also know that thru this, if you allow, He will bring you closer to Him as well.

I noticed that Casting Crowns' "I will praise you in this storm" played when I came to your blog--this one has been such a blessing to me, I pray it is to you as well. Though it is so hard to do sometimes (like bad days, such as today) it is true that God is good, no matter what the circumstances.

Thank you for having such a wonderful testimony of your faith in the Lord. I will continue to pray for you daily and will visit often.

Love and prayers from Illinois,

Corinne said...

I'm weeping with you and praying for you.
You ARE in HIS mighty arms.

The Adoption Of William said...

Hang on girl...hang on. You will get through this with HIS help! Praying hard for you. It breaks my heart to read about your sadness. I am glad you have an outlet for your feelings. We are all hear listening and sending much love your way.

With much love,

William'a Mom

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you! I'm at a loss for words because nothing I say can take the pain away. How desperately so many of us would like to be able to do that for you! Know that I'm praying for you today! Call if you need to....I'm only a few minutes away!

megan said...

Praying for you and your sweet family...

Laurie in Ca. said...

Praying for you right now Kristy. I am so sorry this is all closing in around you right now, and I'm asking God to lift it from you as you pour your heart out to Him. I am so sorry that Isaac's grief is right there with you, so fresh and painful. I am asking God to give you peace and to consider the desires of your heart, the ones that you may not even be aware of yet. I'm asking Him to hear your hearts cry and hold you tight in His loving arms, and to comfort you. I would never question your faith here Kristy, but I do find myself questioning Him on your behalf and that of the others who have walked here. He knows our hearts, so keep pouring yours out to Him. My prayers continue non-stop sweet friend.

Love and Prayers,
Laurie in Ca.

Gram said...

i am so sorry you are having to face this yet again and pray for a miracle for you. the emptiness you describe is something no one can imagine unless they've walked in your shoes. we are all weeping with you. j

Rachel said...

I am praying for you today as you deal with your fear and your grief. May God's loving arms comfort you and provide for the needs of you and your family at this time. I am praying that He sends the right people into your lives to lift you up and support you in ways that you cannot fathom. May he send people to help with your boys and provide meals for you and most of all friends to pray for you and hug you.

While I don't understand the grief of losing a newborn I have lost five babies through miscarriage and am having my sixth miscarriage today. Reading your story even through your grief and honesty is an encouragement and an inspiration to me. Your testimony of God's faithfulness reminds me I can make it through this loss and be hopeful that God will bless me with a third child in His perfect time.

I am praying for you to feel His peace and love encompassing you and may you truly be able to rest and enjoy each moment with your little Happy contently kicking and growing safely in your womb, knowing that God has a wonderful plan for his precious life.

Anonymous said...

H, it's me again. I want you to know that what you are feeling is ok. This is not a weakening in your faith. When I was expecting my first child we were told that he had a very strong chance of having Downes. My husband decided to put our son's life in God's hands. I tried to keep my faith strong. I truly believe in God's power of healing. There were some nights when I could not sleep, wondering "Why". God understands that we are not perfect. He still loves us. If I had been at MOPS I would have let you cut in the Food line, but that is because I think all the expecting Moms should be able to get into line first. I think your entry has helped alot of people. You are not alone. Amy

Anonymous said...

Kristy, Howard, and the boys,
You are constantly in our thoughts and prayers. Prayer does work...there are so many people praying for you and Happy's healing, it is so amazing. I am sorry that today was a bad day. Think of all the blessings. That always helps even if it's just a little bit. Our God is an Awesome God. We love ya!
Lannea, Eric and Norah

meela said...

Oh Kristy, I am so sorry, I know it hurts. And it is so hard to be around our little ones during days like today. I know my Ella gets so worried when she sees me crying. I am glad you were able to go into your room and cry out to God. But, then I know how hard it is to then have to re-enter the world of taking care of the kids. It is a blessing too, I guess, to have something to distract us and keep us moving, but on those days it is so hard to be a mom and to grieve.

I pray for you tonight that you will find some hope in scripture, or a book, or a friend or family member. Just something to light the way a little. I hurt for you and with you, I miss my girl too.

Melissa Dovel said...

praying for only and exactly what you have asked for.

Sisters in HIM

Anonymous said...

Dear Kristy,

Being strong and brave doesn't mean that life doesn't knock you down, it only means that you find a way to drag yourself back to your knees and force yourself to take that next breath. I am so very sorry that today is harder than most days. I will absolutely keep you in my prayers and hope that you find guidance and inner peace to make the decisions in front of you.

A warm hug,

Anonymous said...

That ache that will not go away is why I rock Aydan to sleep, despite Ryan's warnings. And it doesn't make it go away but it does our hearts good. So hold and cuddle and snuggle your boys. They can't fix it, but their innocence sure helps the pain.
We are praying for all of you and are here whenever or however you may need us.
Love and prayers,
Tiffany, Ryan, Kylie and Aydan

Julie said...

I can't imagine the pain you feel, and no words I have could ever take that pain away. I'm still praying for you, thanks for asking for specific prayers! It makes it so much easier when I know just what you need.

Anonymous said...


I can't think of much
else to offer...

Anonymous said...

Please know that there are many MANY people praying for you! You've been in my thoughts many times each day.

Jenny said...

Dear Kristy,

As always, you have been so brave to share your intermost feelings with us. I wish I lived closer and "knew" you so that I could give you giant hug.

I'm glad you have the boys to hug and hold tight. Bryant was born 11years after I placed Hannah for adoption. And even though I chose adoption for Hannah and was happy with my decision, holding Bryant for the first time flooded me with memories of when Hannah was born and taken away. In many ways, that experience has made me a better mother. It has made me treasure ALL MY TIME with Bryant... and to never take him for granted.

My prayer/wish for you is to continue to find comfort in your four children, your memories of them and new memories to come.


Anonymous said...

The path is not hard. The pain doesn't go away but it does change-- the time between weeping lengthens-- but standing here almost twenty years after my dear four year old special needs baby died, I can still remember the horrific tearing of my heart. BUT- standing her twenty years later, I can look back and stand amazed. I stand amazed at the tenderness and care God showed. I can see how clearly He was with us every step of the way (something I couldn't always see as we were in the midst of the storm) Don't lose heart! He is with you. He won't turn away because you question why or beg for a different path. When you think about Jesus in gestheneme (sp??). He was begging God for a different path. And He's sinless! But He ultimately came down to not my will but yours. My guess is that He still wasn't looking forward to going through it!
Think about your relationship with your boys. When they get cranky and tired and stomp, pout, or yell (hmm... maybe only MY children do this!) You don't chuck them out the door and abandon them. You pick them up, fill their tummies and send them off for a well needed nap. God is the same with us. He knows we don't understand. He knows that we stomp and yell and pout. But He loves us. He picks us up and does for us everything that needs to be done just as we do for our children. Looking back, I am amazed. He loves us so. Prayers are with you! deborah d