A decision?

There never was any decision.

Does this look like a "decision" to you? Of course not. He is our son! A precious gift from God!

I have had a lot of people lately commend our "decision" not to terminate our pregnancy with Asher. I have also had a few people say that they don't understand why we would do that to ourselves. It is all very interesting to me that people view these circumstances so differently. It always makes me feel really weird either way. I guess it is because from the beginning this was our baby. We never really saw a decision to be made. God created Asher just as much as he created any of us. We truly believe that. We also truly believe that God doesn't make accidents. Asher was knitted together in the image of God in my womb. He was created with great purpose in mind. Who are we to mess with that?

Psalm 127 says that "children are a gift from the Lord, a true blessing." Just because we see a child as imperfect as the world sees him doesn't make him any less perfect than you or me or any less of a gift or blessing. We loved Asher before we even knew we were pregnant with him. That is our job. We loved and protected our son just as any parent does and is called to do. It was nothing spectacular that we did. What is spectacular is what God is doing through Asher. Asher was one of God's greatest gifts to this family and we are grateful to Him. I can tell you that Asher has saved other lives of babies like him. What an incredible gift! How many of us can say that!?

That is not to say that I would EVER have chosen this path for myself. I am a human and a mom and I want ALL of my boys with me. But I do trust that God's plan is better than my own. I have no right to mess with that. God would not have given us a child if he didn't mean for us to have him. We have said from day one of our marriage that we would openly and lovingly accept any child God blessed us with whether it be one or twenty. The reality of our circumstances do hurt immensely. I do not believe terminating my pregnancy with Asher would have lessened that pain in any way. In fact it would likely have made it worse. Either way you lose a child. I guess in a selfish way I wanted to be sure that I was not to blame for our son's death in anyway. If he died it was going to be on God, not me. We would cherish and protect him for all the days God would allow and we DID! I can honestly say that. As much as this is painful it is also humbling and joyful. I am seeing such great things come from Asher and Isaac's short lives. It is so evident to me that God's plan though painful is AWESOME. I know many people think I am a total nut job but if God chooses us to walk this path yet a third time I would still obediently follow Him. This life is not about us and our comfort. I trust God with my life and the lives of my children as does my husband.

So a decision? There never really was one. I cannot imagine my life without ever having held Isaac or Asher. God gave them to us as a gift and we would never look a gift horse in the mouth. :-)

HELP!

Ok, this is kind of off the topic of the blog, but we have decided for our summer vacation this year we will be sharing a beach house on the Jersey or Delaware shore with two other couples. We are very excited as this will be an inexpensive, relaxing and much needed vacation. (Howard assures me this is the patriotic thing to do with our tax rebate as paying off bills will not stimulate the economy)

As I have stated before I am somewhat worried about Howard as he has yet to really cry or come to terms with the events that have unfolded in the past few months. He talks about it a bit but says he still feels like life is going in such fast forward that we just cannot seem to breathe. He thinks that the Disney vacation was great because it allowed us to have lots of FUN as a family but we need to do some relaxing and reflecting. So we are going to do it on a warm sunny beach among great friends and stimulate the economy with our rebate check. :-)

Anyhow, we have never done this before. I have been searching and searching and searching and searching and searching (you get the idea) for houses. We need to keep it affordable and we think the most important thing is probably proximity to the beach. I think I have it narrowed to two houses. One is in Bethany Beach Delaware it has a pool, hot tub, pool table and is very affordable as we are going in mid June before "peak season", the rate practically doubles the next week. But, it doesn't have GREAT views from the balcony and it is across a main road and about 2 blocks from the beach.

The second house is in North Wildwood NJ. It is RIGHT on the beach. It is a little smaller, no pool, hot tub or fancy stuff like that, but the views are BREATHTAKING (at least in the pictures) and it is steps from the beach.

We have taken a vote among the six adults going and the men all vote for the pool table and pool and the women for the views and closeness to the beach knowing what it is like to tote little ones to the beach.

I guess what I am asking is that if you have vacationed in one of these places, would you recommend them and do you have advice? We are so excited but want to be sure we make the right decision.

Inquisitive, Insightful,Sweet Luke

Here is our conversation at lunch yesterday:

Luke: Mom, do you grow once you go to Heaven?

Mom: I am not sure Luke, what do you think?

Luke: I don't know either, will Asher and Isaac still be babies when we see them or will they grow?

Mom: I am sorry buddy, I don't know.

Luke: Well, how will we know it is them?

Mom: The Bible says we will, so I guess we just will, I don't really know how.

Luke: Well, if we do keep growing how old are Isaac and Asher in Heaven?

Mom: Isaac will be three this summer and Asher would be only two months, he would still be a tiny baby.

Luke: Oh, yeah Asher was just born so he would actually be zero.

Mom: Right.

Luke: What do you think they are doing in Heaven?

Mom: I don't know, what do you think they might be doing?

Luke: Playing

Mom: I suppose you are probably right.

Luke: I bet God is fun to play with!

Mom: I am sure He is!

Luke can be so insightful...it is good to know he is thinking of his brothers!

With Hope

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

Sometimes I have really bad days. Some days I have really good days and lately I have been having a share of each. It is only my hope and faith in God that pulls through the rough days. I often think of those who do not have faith. I cannot imagine enduring these trials without that hope. I am able to lift my head off of the pillow each day, get dressed and function as a mom and wife. I am quite certain that without the knowledge that someday all suffering will come to an end and I will once again be reunited with Asher and Isaac, I would just waste away. A day will come when each of our four sons are able to be together. Without that hope, life would certainly seem quite dreary and unimportant. I know that God promises that we cannot even fathom the greatness that is to come and that is where my hope resides. In Him.

So the poor have hope, and injustice shuts its mouth.Job 5:15-17

It is interesting to me that in grief there are so many emotions and so much that doesn't make any sense. It causes us to question everything we believe about the world and life as we know it. It is full of oxymorons. I want people to treat me as normal, yet at the same time I don't. I am not sure what normal is, I feel so sad, yet so joyful. I am completely exhausted yet so keenly aware of how precious every second is and I want to fill each one with wonderful memories so it feels better to be busy. I am scatterbrained yet feel a need for organization and planning. I long for Heaven yet am thankful to be here for Luke, Ben and Howard. I feel so empty yet so full.

I have come to learn that only God can create these oxymorons in my life. He brings beginnings from ending, hope from death, and joy from pain. Without him I would just have the yucky stuff. Not the great things that help balance life out a bit. I am overwhelmed daily with the task he has trusted me with yet am so grateful he chose me.

It amazes me that so many people continue to read my thoughts. When all of this started and I began this blog I was certain only close friends and family would read along as I didn't feel I had much to offer anyone aside from keeping those who love us informed of our circumstances. I guess I am amazed that people read because I am so incredibly imperfect. My relationship with God falters, I have a difficult time with Him and His "justice" most days. As hard as I try I cannot wrap my mind around the circumstances I have found myself in. I am trying hard to follow Him wherever he leads and allow him to be the full time leader, but it is a tough task. I remind myself daily that though our circumstances have changed many times, our God has not. The truths that were true a few years go are certainly still true today. That is the thing about truth. It is just always true. (Insightful, I know: truth is true) :-)

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me.Psalm 40:10-12

The other thing I have been thinking when it comes to truth is that truth is true for everyone. Which seems so obvious, but often times I think we get caught up in being politically correct so we say well, "this is my truth." or "For me, God is truth, but that may not be the truth for everyone." That doesn't even make sense. If it is true, it is true for everyone. 2+2=4 is truth. Not just for me but for EVERYONE. It is a fact. God is the same way. His word is truth. Not just for me, but or everyone. That doesn't mean everyone believes that but the truth remains the same.

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.Psalm 40:9-11

The simple truth is that Jesus loves everyone! Not just some people, not just those who love Him back, not just those who read the Bible or go to church. EVERYONE. He desperately wants a relationship with every person. We have nothing to offer Him but he has so much to offer us. It is only through Him that we can truly grieve with hope! How awful it must be to grieve without hope. So as I pray for myself today and for my family who is still reeling from the loss of our precious boys, I also pray for all who grieve and especially for those who grieve without hope. I pray that their eyes are opened to the one and only truth because sometimes all we have is hope.

6Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6


He IS the WAY, the TRUTH, and th LIFE! Cast your cares upon him and you too will have hope!

A Few Random Thoughts

As many of you have noticed, I took a bit of a break from the Internet this weekend. I had a busy weekend and I really haven't felt that I have had anything profound to say. I am still trying to process all of what has happened in the past few months and is happening today. I can say that God is definitely working in our family. I can say that we do feel honored to have been chosen for this journey. Our goal in this life is to reflect the light of the Son, as He so radiantly shines upon us. We are trying hard to do these things. It is funny though, just when we think things might be getting a bit easier we feel like we are slammed back down again.

As a mom I am still finding it hard to go buy baby things. I have purchased many gifts for friends with new babies and pregnant friends lately. I am so happy for all of them and yet am still grieving my own loss. Ben is still quite young and I still have to go buy diapers and such things. This is also painful for some reason. I have tried facing these things head on and I feel like I do ok. In actuality though, I just dissociate. I check out. I put myself somewhere else and just go through the motions and I guess if that is what I have to do for the time being, that is ok. I feel like I am pretty good at putting on a brave front and a happy face and yet this weekend many people saw right through me. I am so thankful for those few people. I am not only grieving the loss of my sons, but also the loss of many relationships in all of this. It is a reality anyone going through such intense grief experiences. Some people back off, they are uncomfortable and unsure of what to say and while I understand that, it still hurts. It means so much when a person asks how I am doing and they are not just looking for an "ok". How are you doing, is a phrase that we say so often yet we don't usually hang around to hear the real answer. So, thank you to those of you who noticed my pain and cared enough to ask. It isn't an easy thing to do and yet it is so important.

I realized this weekend that, Sunday marked two months since we buried Asher. In thinking about that I also realized that I have yet to order his tombstone or go back to the cemetery where he is buried. I am just not ready for that yet. I am not ready for that kind of finality. I am not ready to end this chapter of my life yet. I know many moms who have gone through this that visit the cemetery so regularly. I just can't do it. I guess part of that though is that though I like having a place to plant flowers and remember my son, I know he isn't there. That is the reality that hurts. He no more resides at the Albion Cemetery than he does here in our home. I guess I am just not really a cemetery person. I love to plant flowers and when the weather is a little more sure, I will do that. I enjoy that part, but I am not a frequent visitor. I never have been.

I have mentioned before that my mom died when I was just nine. I always went to the cemetery to be sure that her grave was beautiful but it was never more than that. I have also told you before that I am a "doer" having a grave gives me a project. It gives me something to do and I love that. I guess that hasn't changed.

I am also struggling with the coming of Mother's Day. It is always a day I have dreaded for many reasons. I am not really ready to dig into those feelings today, but I am sure as the day draws near I will. Let's just say if I could beam myself to another planet for just that day, I would.

It is a strange feeling when you miss someone so much that it physically hurts, and yet though you hurt so much you would never pray to bring them back. I love my boys so much and I yearn to hold them just once more (though I know even that would never be enough), but I am so grateful that they live on and are healed in a place where they will never know this kind of suffering. I am still neck deep in grief, it makes it hard to even move many days, but God is good. I can grieve with the knowledge that I will see my boys all together some day. I will hold them again. It is so evident that God is moving in all of this and I am so proud of my boys. We are truly being blessed beyond measure but it still hurts.

Great is thy Faithfulness!

Pathway of Pain

"Pathway of Pain"
If my days were untroubled
and my heart always light,
would I seek that fair land
where there is no night?
If I never grew weary
with the weight of my load,
would I search for Gods peace
at the end of the road?
If I never knew sickness
and never felt pain,
would I search for a hand
to help and sustain?
If I walked without sorrow
and lived without loss,
would my soul seek solace
at the foot of the cross?
If all I desired
was mine day by day,
would I kneel before God
and earnestly pray?
If God sent no winter
to freeze me with fear,
would I yearn for the
warmth of Spring every year?
I ask myself these
and the answer is plain,
if my life were pleasure
and I never knew pain
I'd seek God less often
and need Him much less,
for God is sought more often
in times of distress.
And no one knows God
or sees Him as plain
as those who have met Him
on the "Pathway of Pain."

Author: Helen Steiner Rice

Still Waiting for Happy

A couple of weeks ago I was talking with Howard and I asked him if he thought I should change the name of the blog. I had named it Waiting for Happy when I was pregnant. We were waiting to meet the precious boy we lovingly nicknamed "Happy". But Happy has come and he is now in Heaven. We are no longer waiting for his arrival, rather our arrival with him. So I was contemplating renaming the blog.

Howard thought for a moment and then he said, no, I don't think you should change it. The title Waiting for Happy has meaning beyond what we meant for it to have. In this world of instant gratification we are all guilty of waiting for happy. Who of us at one time or another hasn't thought, if only THIS happened or THAT happened, then I will be happy. We are always waiting for the next thing. That will surely make us happy. If I get that job, then I will be happy or if we had just a little more money, THEN I would be happy. We constantly live in the mindset that happiness is just around the bend.

"Come now, you who say, Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a city and spend a year there and carry on our business and make money. Yet you do not know the least thing about what may happen tomorrow..." James 4:13-15

The thing about that is that God never promises tomorrow. We have no idea what tomorrow brings. Why on earth are we always waiting until tomorrow to be happy? In reality none of the things we are waiting for will bring happiness. True happiness cannot be found in the things of this world.

Sometimes I find myself so angry. Angry that I have endured such suffering in my life. Angry that last weekend we walked for two of our boys and not with them. Angry that the books in the Bible that I look to for comfort are those of Job and Psalms and any story where God's people endured great suffering (and there are MANY). Angry that my shelves are adorned with books such as "When God Doesn't Answer Your Prayer" and "Empty Cradle Broken Heart", angry that I am the person who belongs to a group called "Empty Arms." Angry that I am the girl no one knows what to say to because they cannot even for a moment imagine life in my shoes. This is not to say that Job or the other books or the Empty Arms group are bad. On the contrary, they are some of the most comforting things in my life. I just wonder why God has allowed such anguish in my life time and time again I mean come on, when is my break going to come? When is it my turn for things to go well? I have suffered such loss in my lifetime of 29 short years. Why is it that some people have no idea what it is to lose a loved one and yet I lost my mom at 9 years old, a best friend from high school in my teen years, two grandparents who helped raise me in my early twenties and two sons in my late twenties. This is not to say that I am the only one who has endured these things. In fact I have come to find the opposite. Suffering is universal. We have different circumstances, but we all suffer.

Life has NEVER been easy for me and in fact since I began a relationship with God it has actually gotten worse. After losing Isaac I remember thinking to myself, "If this is what having a relationship with God brings, I am out!" The thing is that I truly believe without God the loss of my second son would have been a breaking point. I would have gone off of the deep end and I am not sure I would be here today to type these words. Many times I have looked at my life and I could see myself in a deep valley and as I tried to climb to the crest of the hill, God would take his enormous foot and kick me back down. I have always been waiting for "my turn" whatever that means. But I am learning that maybe it IS my turn and I just need to embrace the here and now. I am just not sure how to do that because half of my heart resides in Heaven.

"I have told you these things so that in Me you may have perfect peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer! For I have overcome the world." John 16.33

I think sometimes we forget that having a relationship with God doesn't mean that we will be saved from suffering. In fact sometimes the opposite is true. He says in this life we will have tribulation, trials, distress and frustration. And then he says BE OF GOOD CHEER! We can wait forever for happy, but it is here and now. Jesus has overcome the world. What more to we need to be happy about? Our trials here on earth are temporary. Our salvation is eternal!

"Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money and be satisfied with your present; for He Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support." Hebrews 13:5

None of this is to say that we don't ever have a reason to be upset, angry frustrated or sad. The aching I feel for my boys will never go away and there is a sadness in my soul that cries out daily for them. We will all have highs and lows. My point here is that if we are always Waiting for happy it will never come. We have to embrace it in the here and now. We will all endure pain and anguish in this broken world but we can be joyful in knowing that we are NEVER alone and that God will always make sure we have the support we need to keep going. The life we live in this world is so brief, maybe happy is not just around the corner. Maybe it is upon us! My challenge is this...try to stop worrying about things you cannot control. Embrace the blessings of today, don't wait for tomorrow, it may not come. Happiness will certainly be ours in heaven!

So, long story short....the title remains! It is a good reminder. We all need that reminder. I know I need it daily.

Team Isaac and Asher

We are so honored to take part in an event that is working to make sure that one day ALL babies will be born healthy. We are excited that Isaac and Asher are inspiring all of us to do such great things for others!

Our Isaac, Our Gift

One of God's greatest gifts to this world