Thursday, May 1, 2008

Still Waiting for Happy

A couple of weeks ago I was talking with Howard and I asked him if he thought I should change the name of the blog. I had named it Waiting for Happy when I was pregnant. We were waiting to meet the precious boy we lovingly nicknamed "Happy". But Happy has come and he is now in Heaven. We are no longer waiting for his arrival, rather our arrival with him. So I was contemplating renaming the blog.

Howard thought for a moment and then he said, no, I don't think you should change it. The title Waiting for Happy has meaning beyond what we meant for it to have. In this world of instant gratification we are all guilty of waiting for happy. Who of us at one time or another hasn't thought, if only THIS happened or THAT happened, then I will be happy. We are always waiting for the next thing. That will surely make us happy. If I get that job, then I will be happy or if we had just a little more money, THEN I would be happy. We constantly live in the mindset that happiness is just around the bend.

"Come now, you who say, Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a city and spend a year there and carry on our business and make money. Yet you do not know the least thing about what may happen tomorrow..." James 4:13-15

The thing about that is that God never promises tomorrow. We have no idea what tomorrow brings. Why on earth are we always waiting until tomorrow to be happy? In reality none of the things we are waiting for will bring happiness. True happiness cannot be found in the things of this world.

Sometimes I find myself so angry. Angry that I have endured such suffering in my life. Angry that last weekend we walked for two of our boys and not with them. Angry that the books in the Bible that I look to for comfort are those of Job and Psalms and any story where God's people endured great suffering (and there are MANY). Angry that my shelves are adorned with books such as "When God Doesn't Answer Your Prayer" and "Empty Cradle Broken Heart", angry that I am the person who belongs to a group called "Empty Arms." Angry that I am the girl no one knows what to say to because they cannot even for a moment imagine life in my shoes. This is not to say that Job or the other books or the Empty Arms group are bad. On the contrary, they are some of the most comforting things in my life. I just wonder why God has allowed such anguish in my life time and time again I mean come on, when is my break going to come? When is it my turn for things to go well? I have suffered such loss in my lifetime of 29 short years. Why is it that some people have no idea what it is to lose a loved one and yet I lost my mom at 9 years old, a best friend from high school in my teen years, two grandparents who helped raise me in my early twenties and two sons in my late twenties. This is not to say that I am the only one who has endured these things. In fact I have come to find the opposite. Suffering is universal. We have different circumstances, but we all suffer.

Life has NEVER been easy for me and in fact since I began a relationship with God it has actually gotten worse. After losing Isaac I remember thinking to myself, "If this is what having a relationship with God brings, I am out!" The thing is that I truly believe without God the loss of my second son would have been a breaking point. I would have gone off of the deep end and I am not sure I would be here today to type these words. Many times I have looked at my life and I could see myself in a deep valley and as I tried to climb to the crest of the hill, God would take his enormous foot and kick me back down. I have always been waiting for "my turn" whatever that means. But I am learning that maybe it IS my turn and I just need to embrace the here and now. I am just not sure how to do that because half of my heart resides in Heaven.

"I have told you these things so that in Me you may have perfect peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer! For I have overcome the world." John 16.33

I think sometimes we forget that having a relationship with God doesn't mean that we will be saved from suffering. In fact sometimes the opposite is true. He says in this life we will have tribulation, trials, distress and frustration. And then he says BE OF GOOD CHEER! We can wait forever for happy, but it is here and now. Jesus has overcome the world. What more to we need to be happy about? Our trials here on earth are temporary. Our salvation is eternal!

"Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money and be satisfied with your present; for He Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support." Hebrews 13:5

None of this is to say that we don't ever have a reason to be upset, angry frustrated or sad. The aching I feel for my boys will never go away and there is a sadness in my soul that cries out daily for them. We will all have highs and lows. My point here is that if we are always Waiting for happy it will never come. We have to embrace it in the here and now. We will all endure pain and anguish in this broken world but we can be joyful in knowing that we are NEVER alone and that God will always make sure we have the support we need to keep going. The life we live in this world is so brief, maybe happy is not just around the corner. Maybe it is upon us! My challenge is this...try to stop worrying about things you cannot control. Embrace the blessings of today, don't wait for tomorrow, it may not come. Happiness will certainly be ours in heaven!

So, long story short....the title remains! It is a good reminder. We all need that reminder. I know I need it daily.


Anonymous said...

I really want to thank you for your words, they are encouraging to me. I have not lost a child but I am going through a terrible divorce and that is a death to me. I can sort of relate with what you have been saying about not being able to ever be with your boys. I feel the same way, I will never have a husband who wants to do things with me, who cares about me, who loves me and that is very sad to me. I have also questioned and doubted God many times asking why me? Why not me! I guess I am blessed to have gone through this as it has made me a much stronger person and better mother. The affair happened with a woman who worked at my church and that makes it even worse because I now do not have a church family to rely on. No one wants to talk with me either because they just do not know what to say to the woman whose husband cheated on her at church. Life is just terrible but I get so much hope from what you write. Thank you for taking the time to be so honest with all of us and being such a great encourager. I continue to pray for you and your family each and every day.

Story of our Life said...

((HUGS)) Thank you!! There is so much truth to this and yet I find it so daunting to even begin to try and comprehend what may or may not lay ahead of me.

I've thought several times over the last few months since coming across your blog about what it must have been like for you to hear the words of the go one step in front of the other. Your faith and others who I've come across from linking to your blog have pulled me higher and higher.

I know there are days you don't feel strong. I know there are days you are overwhelmed with grief. Rightously my eyes you are strong!!

I admire you honey!!

Thank you for sharing.

Yes...we all wait for happy. Whatever it might be.

:) (HUGS)!! Gala

Chelle said...

Love the title...glad you are sticking with it!

The VW's said...

I'm speechless! Well, maybe not: THANKYOU! THANKYOU! THANKYOU! I really needed to hear these words of truth spoken to me today!

I don't know why you have had to suffer so much in your short life, but I do know God has a purpose for it! This blog is one of them! You mourn and hurt, but always rise above and say something that, had you not suffered you probably would not understand like you do now. You are helping others! He is using YOU for a wonderful purpose! I'm sure it's extremely difficult for you, but what an AWESOME purpose in life to have! God Bless You!

meela said...

I love the title and I love your new explanation. Very insightful!

Thinking of you!

Bobbie said...

It's funny that you write this today. I was doing dishes just a little while ago feeling sorry for myself. Why me? Why can't JT just be here with me getting into stuff so that I don't have time to do the dishes? Why can't I have a working dishwasher so that I don't have to do these dishes? It went on and on.... I have days where I do this. Today is one of them.

I just talk talk talk to God and question him. Well, today, I think I got an answer..

I was standing there scrubbing a pot thinking you know what all of your riches are stored in heaven dork. Me talking to myself. So, what if I don't have the this and the that I think that I should have. What matters most isn't what is here it is what is in Heaven.
I just kept fighting it saying but, God I just want to be "happy". Somedays, I am almost there, most days not. Why can't I just have some joy?

So, I have come to the realization that yep, all my happiness is in Heaven and when I get there I will never feel this gut wrenching sadness again. And for that I feel blessed and I praised Him right there in my kitchen.

Then I sit down at the computer for a few minutes to look at the blogs I look at everyday and I find your wonderful treasure. How neat was that?

Thank you,

Anonymous said...

What a blessing these words are today. I have looked at your header many times and thought, "Me,too." And we are. And while joy remains, I'm not sure that eternally happy is something we will be until we are there with Happy himself and Miller Grace and Jesus and.... until we're home. I love your title and couldn't think of one more fitting if I tried. :)

Anonymous said...

In my fumbling way, that is what I was trying to say the other day, when I wrote that comment that everyone got so angry about...
I'm glad to hear that even though you were so angry to hear it from someone else, that you truly do believe it.

JennyWho said...


you continue to bless me and all who check in with your blog. I know these are not easy or peaceful times for you, emotionally, but I'm so so glad you continue to write. Your words today are so true, and I too am glad you are not changing the name of the blog.

Hugs, still praying for you and your family,

Jen in Ohio

Melissa Dovel said...

I agree 100%!

hugs & Prayer!

Anxious AF said...

Love the title, Im glad you are keeping it.
Praying for you today, and always.

Beth said...

I have no words. Thank you for this post, it's encouraging and full of wisdom. Praying for you!

Kathy said...

I just found your blog, through through another blog ("Story Of Our Life")...and I am SO thankful that I found it!

This post went deep into my soul, and goes along with changes I am making in my life.

I know that I was led here, as the other readers, by the hand of the Lord.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to let you know that I read your blog regularly and it is very healing for me. It was almost three years ago that my daughter died of anencephaly, and we have been able to have any more children and your sharing of your struggles has helped me work through many of the things that I struggle with. I have wanted to wait to post a really "meaningful" comment for a while but todays post really touched me so I thought I would leave a quick comment.


Katy said...

It is interesting that you should write about this, because I was thinking a lot about the title of your blog the last time I looked at it. I knew the reason you originally chose the title, but was thinking that it still was perfect now, because you are looking for ways in your life to be happy again even without your boys. It is always a struggle, but I can tell you are an amazing person with a lot to share with the world. I still am seeing dandelions everywhere, and thinking of your babies.

Anonymous said...

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay

I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say

We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much
right from the very start

Corie said...

I LOVE the title and your explaination for keeping it this way. You are a good mama. You are being so honest with how you are feeling which I think helps others going through it. God wants our honesty. He will walk with us through it. We know that we will find Happy in eternity with God and our sweet babies

Tamara said...

Your "ultimate Happy" you will embrace with all assurance one day, one day you will! I have been told by others that, "God must think something special of you to give you Abigail." My responce is I count myself blessed and I am in awe that He would consider me worthy to have her precious trial. I read your blog and think, wow God loves her so much that He has allowed this perfect storm to cross her path time and time again, given you the strength to endure and the path of beautiful happy flowers you are leaving as you continue to move forward is just BEAUTIFUL!

Destini said...

I've often heard that skillful sailors are not made in still waters. I so wish that we could learn our life lessons and continue to worship and praise God when our lives are going great, but unfortunately the most growth takes place when our faith is under fire.
The awesome and amazing thing is, through the storms others can see the hand of God in your life. When you look out, you may not see God's hand holding your family, but from across the water, others can see the hedge of protection he has so carefully placed around you. Reading comments here are encouraging in the respect that your grief and your testimony are not only drawing you nearer to the Lord, but others have been drawn in as well. I'm sure that most days your sentiments are close to what Christ felt as he lamented to his father to "let this cup pass" from him.
I continue to pray that Satan would not be allowed to steal your joy and that you will be filled to overflowing with God's strength and grace. Out of your suffering great peace will come and blessing beyond measure for you and your family.

Devin said...

I am so glad you are keeping the title the same, Kristy. In light of your text, I would agree that there would be no other title that could be better!

Anonymous said...

I need the reminder and I needed this post! Thank you for sharing.

Debbie said...

I am glad you share with us your faith and encouraging words. We all need to remember to carry on in our struggles.

Thanks, Debbie

Cathy said...

I love the title. I am glad you are going to keep it. Happy has touched many lives and will continue to bless along his journey. Cathy & Annabel