Monday, May 5, 2008

A Few Random Thoughts

As many of you have noticed, I took a bit of a break from the Internet this weekend. I had a busy weekend and I really haven't felt that I have had anything profound to say. I am still trying to process all of what has happened in the past few months and is happening today. I can say that God is definitely working in our family. I can say that we do feel honored to have been chosen for this journey. Our goal in this life is to reflect the light of the Son, as He so radiantly shines upon us. We are trying hard to do these things. It is funny though, just when we think things might be getting a bit easier we feel like we are slammed back down again.

As a mom I am still finding it hard to go buy baby things. I have purchased many gifts for friends with new babies and pregnant friends lately. I am so happy for all of them and yet am still grieving my own loss. Ben is still quite young and I still have to go buy diapers and such things. This is also painful for some reason. I have tried facing these things head on and I feel like I do ok. In actuality though, I just dissociate. I check out. I put myself somewhere else and just go through the motions and I guess if that is what I have to do for the time being, that is ok. I feel like I am pretty good at putting on a brave front and a happy face and yet this weekend many people saw right through me. I am so thankful for those few people. I am not only grieving the loss of my sons, but also the loss of many relationships in all of this. It is a reality anyone going through such intense grief experiences. Some people back off, they are uncomfortable and unsure of what to say and while I understand that, it still hurts. It means so much when a person asks how I am doing and they are not just looking for an "ok". How are you doing, is a phrase that we say so often yet we don't usually hang around to hear the real answer. So, thank you to those of you who noticed my pain and cared enough to ask. It isn't an easy thing to do and yet it is so important.

I realized this weekend that, Sunday marked two months since we buried Asher. In thinking about that I also realized that I have yet to order his tombstone or go back to the cemetery where he is buried. I am just not ready for that yet. I am not ready for that kind of finality. I am not ready to end this chapter of my life yet. I know many moms who have gone through this that visit the cemetery so regularly. I just can't do it. I guess part of that though is that though I like having a place to plant flowers and remember my son, I know he isn't there. That is the reality that hurts. He no more resides at the Albion Cemetery than he does here in our home. I guess I am just not really a cemetery person. I love to plant flowers and when the weather is a little more sure, I will do that. I enjoy that part, but I am not a frequent visitor. I never have been.

I have mentioned before that my mom died when I was just nine. I always went to the cemetery to be sure that her grave was beautiful but it was never more than that. I have also told you before that I am a "doer" having a grave gives me a project. It gives me something to do and I love that. I guess that hasn't changed.

I am also struggling with the coming of Mother's Day. It is always a day I have dreaded for many reasons. I am not really ready to dig into those feelings today, but I am sure as the day draws near I will. Let's just say if I could beam myself to another planet for just that day, I would.

It is a strange feeling when you miss someone so much that it physically hurts, and yet though you hurt so much you would never pray to bring them back. I love my boys so much and I yearn to hold them just once more (though I know even that would never be enough), but I am so grateful that they live on and are healed in a place where they will never know this kind of suffering. I am still neck deep in grief, it makes it hard to even move many days, but God is good. I can grieve with the knowledge that I will see my boys all together some day. I will hold them again. It is so evident that God is moving in all of this and I am so proud of my boys. We are truly being blessed beyond measure but it still hurts.

Great is thy Faithfulness!


Suzie said...

You have completely taken the words out of my heart and onto your blog. I too, am dreading Mother's Day, I just am choosing not to think about it too much... I know I am a mom, but my baby is in heaven... I am so confused. I know the hurt you are feeling, and I am sorry that you have to go through this yet again. Please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you everyday. Cant wait to talk more once I get home. ***hugs to you***

Laurie in Ca. said...

Praying for you today Kristy as the hurt is still so fresh and new. I am so sorry this is so very hard to do. I would like to think I could be one of the ones who goes beyond the "how are you? and the okay" if I were there to run into you. It is so hard to watch relationships back away because of your pain. Please know you are in my prayers each new day and I love you.

Laurie in Ca.

asplashofsunshine said...

My comment is coming from a mommy that has no idea what you are going through and probably never will. I just hope you are able to smile today, and especially on sunday, Mother's Day and realize how precious you are as a mother. I do not want to pretend to know what you are experiencing, I just want you to know that a total stranger is praying for you and thinking of you so often.

Anxious AF said...

you do such a good job at getting your feelings down. I will be praying for you on Mothers Day.

Christa said...

Oh Kristy....I think it is TOTALLY normal to not want to buy baby things. I remember when I was going through infertility treatment (before I had Reagan), I would be invited to a baby shower and I would just cry and cry. I can't imagine buying baby things after suffering your loss. Don't feel bad about that at all. Mother's Day is rough for me as well. It should have new meaning for me now that I am a mom, but it always drags up all kinds of emotions about my mother. I have never liked mother's day, and I know the emotions you must go through as well.

Try and make Mother's day about you. You are a wonderful nuturing mommy of four beautiful boys. :) Many (((hugs))) to you. I will be at MOPS on the 20th (I hope), so I will see you then.

Erin said...

I know what you mean about buying baby things. I also found it difficult to shop for maternity clothes when I was pregnant with Isaac. Since he was my first it was a necessity but the maternity clothes always seemed to be near all of the baby stuff in a lot of stores. I will be thinking of you and praying for you on Mother's Day.

Corie said...

I can totally understand your emotions. I do like to see Larsons grave, but I know others that can not do that either. It seems so hard to have such conflicting emotions all of the time. Take your time Kristy. There is no time frame to get back to the cemetary. I know you know that but often I feel it is good to have some validation to how we feel. You are a good mommy and you love your boys so much. It is so apparent in all of your writings. I am praying for you for this weekend.

Steve+Marie Douglas said...

You were heavy on my heart all weekend;I would check in and not see a new post, I just want you to know My mom and I spent the evening together tonight and I was sharing with her about your baby boys. WE PRAYED FOR YOU as we prayed for Susie, Baby Jacob & his mommy, Baby Eva's mommy and Alex's

Anonymous said...

Hi Kristi,
I am so inspired even more every time I read your blog. I understand about the cemetary thing it's been nine months on this Friday since my daughter has gone to be with the Lord and I haven't been back out there. It's really hard! But know you are such a wonderful mother to all of your boys and when you're ready I know you'll be right out there as I will also, but just not now. Much love to you,

The VW's said...

Praying for you! I'll especially be thinking of you on Mother's Day! I pray that God will give you the peace that you need and that you can enjoy your day.

I thought about your family yesterday, as our yard is FULL of dandelions! I even took some pictures and told my sons how special, even Dandelions are! They too are a gift from God and I definately look at them differently because of you!

Hang in there and know that you are thought of often and prayed for even more!

Anonymous said...

It took us nine months to order the tombstone for our baby girl. And interestingly, the wonderful man at the memorial place where we ordered the stone from told us that it typically takes people an average of six months to order the stone. I don't know why that is, but I found that so interesting. Maybe the finality of it? Maybe the expense (they are not cheap)! Maybe the difficulty of trying to decide what could possibly express your feelings and love for your child on a piece of stone (as if that could ever be done). I don't know. But once we ordered it, I went there almost every day around the time it was supposed to come in, and I felt so good that it was there. I felt like she was "recognized" in the cemetary. Anyway, just some random thoughts about the stone - you are not alone on this one - your timeline is totally normal, it is very hard for lots of people, it will be hard to do, but once you do it, I think you may feel "good" (a relative term at best!) about it. I also want to say, if you don't like the memorial company you go to first, don't be afraid to switch. There was one right across from the cemetary. We went there, and they were SO UNHELPFUL. And so we went to another one, and there were wonderful. I can't imagine doing what we had to do with sommeone who wasn't sensitive to how hard it was to do. Just some thoughts.

Hang in there - keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know ALL your boys will be so proud to have you as their mother this Sunday.

Beth said...

You have been on my mind and in my prayers. Know that I will be thinking and praying for you on Mother's Day.

Emily said...

You are awesome. Your Lord is shining through the brokenness like you can't begin to know. Thank you for letting me see that and for sharing your precious sons with me.