It is my experience that the anticipation of an event is always worse than the event itself. Last week as I lay in a hospital bed anticipating the arrival of our precious Asher, all of the what ifs and how will I deal questions ran through my mind and in the end though the day was perfect. It was a difficult day but it is evident that God was in control and when I gave up trying to anticipate and try to gain some control things went beautifully.
Walking into the hospital last Thursday I was angry with God, as we walked across the street from the doctor's office, I remember saying to Howard, "I sure do wish God would just lay off a little bit and just let one thing go OUR way!" I was not ready to have my pregnancy be over. I wanted to do it Monday, that was the day WE chose and that was the day I would be "ready". I was impatient and frustrated all night at the hospital with the monitors and the tests. I was scared. I called all of the people who vowed to be there for us, Jeanne, Carol, and Kenny along with family so they were ready to be there as soon as the doctors decided to make a move. Everyone was awesome and willing to do whatever to make things even a little easier for us. I was not only surrounded by family and friends but wonderful doctors and nurses who had nothing but compassion.
In the end the day played out in the most beautiful way. I was able to rest in knowing that not one thing that day had been OUR decision or OUR plan. I do not have to second guess myself or decisions we made because not one decision was our own. I cannot imagine a day more filled with love and faith. I was at ease knowing that Jeanne was going to be there and care for Asher, and Carol would do whatever necessary to make me more comfortable. It was also awesome to have Kenny there taking pictures. As I look through them it is like he was a fly on the wall and he captured the beauty of the day and our son perfectly. The love from our friends and family was just incredible and I feel very silly for anticipating this day to be anything other than the amazing gift it was.
As I write this you would think I would have learned something...but I sit here anticipating tomorrow...Asher's Celebration of Life Service. My first appearance back at church. I have gone out into the world away from my safe zone at home but not yet to a place where I am so known and loved. It is strange, but somehow here at home I know who I am. A person very much the same yet forever changed. When it comes to "out there" I am still not sure. I constantly wonder what others are thinking...Do they feel sorry for me? Do they expect me to talk about it? Do they wish I wouldn't talk about it? Are they unsure of what to say? Do they think I may break down? Can they see my broken heart from the outside? So many questions.
Tomorrow is the service and Monday is the burial. These things make things seem so much more real and permanent. I still sometimes feel as though I am watching my life from the outside as it plays in fast forward. Things have moved so fast I sometimes have to pinch myself to reassure myself that this is all real. I am not sure how to still be myself. I am not really sure who that is anymore. This likely doesn't make any sense at all to most of you and I apologize, but nothing really makes sense to me anymore :-)
I have to admit it still amazes me that many of you are still reading...I thank you all for your love, support and prayers. Please continue to pray for our family as we find our "new normal".
4 days ago