Prayers for Monday

Monday is our next ultrasound date. I will be having my glucose test done, having the ultrasound and then seeing the doctor. I would be lying if I said I was not a bit of a basket case. I have had a little fun in the past few weeks with the baby stuff. I have allowed myself to dream and hope. We registered for some things for a shower some friends are having for us and it was really fun to walk around the store and pick out girly little things. We (I think) even settled on a bedding set, which is HUGE for me. That kind of thing usually takes me months of back and forth, buying and returning, usually ending in tears and frustration. We came upon "the one" though and both of us knew it was perfect.

We can't afford to get the whole bedding set just yet so we bought the teddy bear made out of all of the fabrics in the set and walked around Home Depot last night looking at paint colors. Today the nursery is primed and stark white, a sight that both pulls at my heart and causes great excitement. I did not allow Howard to purchase the paint last night however, I told him that on Monday when we leave the doctor's office we will stop and pick it up.

My reasons for this are twofold. I am allowing myself more and more to feel the joy and excitement of the amazing thing God is doing in our lives. I am taking it moment by moment and day by day and reveling in the kicks and nudges I feel each day. I am loving watching the boys not so gently "waking" their baby sister and talking to her, only to end up fighting over my belly and who loves her more. I know I am blessed. No matter what happens tomorrow or even Monday, I am blessed. God has trusted me with five of his children and I am honored.

That said...we ARE trusting God and KNOWING full hearted that His plans are better than our own, and so yes, part of me wants to wait until after that ultrasound Monday just to have confirmation one more time that her brain has continued to grow. Fear still grips my heart some days as I hope and dream and I find myself paralyzed by the idea that He could allow me to walk the road of losing a child again. But, realistically, I know He can. Monday's ultrasound won't change that, but will get us one step closer to maybe bringing a little one home. It is just another milestone, and our purchasing of the paint will be our celebration. :-)

The second reason...well, I know they have told us girl twice, I know that this baby is likely a girl, and yet I can't help but wonder if that could change on Monday. :-) I mean is a Bolte girl really possible? We shall see! I am excited either way, but I really don't want to bring a baby boy home to a room full of pink. :-) So Monday is a big day for us. Ultrasounds will never again be the same light hearted fun "peek" at our baby as they were with Luke, I no longer go into that room filled with excitement just to see the little one's profile. I am looking at measurements and brain division and health specifics. I walk in holding my breath, palms sweaty, hoping for the best and praying my way through the entire thing, sometimes aloud.

So Monday around 4:15 will you join me in prayer?