Saturday, January 19, 2008

Being thrown into the fire...

Lately one of my biggest challenges has been my dad. He is a great guy and has such a kind heart. He would do anything for anyone and has been through so much in his life. He and my mom lost a baby before they had me and then when I was nine he lost my mom. He has suffered many losses in his life, but the loss of Isaac was particularly hard for him. I think because not only was he losing a grandson, but he saw how his daughter was hurting and there was nothing he could do. He felt very helpless. Because of all of this he began to doubt that there even was a god. He has a difficult time understanding how there could be a good god or even a god at all when things such as the death of an infant can occur in a family who wants him so badly. I have had a hard time with this and now with our current situation it has gotten worse. My dad is so worried about me and is so angry that we could lose another little boy! He has completely given up on God and it isn't even a conversation we can have because he just shuts down.

In a conversation with him yesterday he mentioned that when this is all said and done he hopes that Howard and I look at the children we have and just be thankful for the healthy ones we have instead of trying to have any more. I understand where he is coming from and yes, this has been a painful journey, but I wouldn't change it for anything. Isaac touched our lives in a way we never had imagined. I cannot say what the future brings for our family we are taking this one day at a time. I do know that we have ALWAYS wanted a bigger family and the doctors have told us that they see no reason for us to continue. This may be genetic but percentages are still low. We also believe that WHATEVER children God gives us were chosen for us. So, who knows what God has in store for the future...we will know when we get there. I was hurt by my dad's words though, and I do understand but we are okay.

I look at how hard my dad is taking all of this and honestly I am more worried about him than I am about Howard and myself. I had called my grandma yesterday and she said to me "do you know what this is doing to your dad?" and I just thought to myself, why on earth should anyone else be more shattered about all of this than me. And I am reminded that my dad is not leaning on God. That is the difference. He doubts that God even exists and I cannot blame him but I know that is not true. I know God exists and I don't know why some of us have to endure such pain while here on earth, but I do believe it is not without purpose. I told my dad this and he said he cannot imagine what that purpose could possibly be. And I guess, neither do I but I have faith and I have to believe there is a purpose. I also know that most of the time my heart is peaceful I do have rough moments but just the idea that I could have any peace about this tells me there must be a God, I know that that peace is not coming from me!

Today I ask that you pray for my dad. I know he isn't in a place right now where I can even talk to him about this but I love him and it hurts me to see him hurting like this. I know that I can't feel responsible for it but in a way I do. I want for him to be able to feel at peace. Not that things don't hurt, but that he is able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Again because I tend to be a do-er I want to DO something to shake him out of this fog, but I have been reminded when sharing this with my wonderful small group that maybe the best thing I can do is just be an example and allow God to shine through me. It makes me think of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. They were thrown into the fire but came out just fine. May I have the faith of those men and be able to show my father the power of faith in God.


Gram said...

oh how i understand where your father is coming from! if you read my blog from the beginning you will see that i have been exactly where he is. early on my daughter said she didn't want sydney grace's death to diminish the faith of any of us - me, her father, brother. we were all so angry and frustrated and had SO many questions. she said that since i had prayed for her about everything since she was little, she couldn't imagine me not praying for her even when she couldn't. and believe me, when i read the blogs she posts, it is the hardest thing i have ever done. i had so many questions, such anger and often still do. none of it makes sense - and the more i read of the sufferings of other families, i just want to run. but the loneliness and unhappiness i felt when i gave up hope was something i didn't want to live with for the rest of my life. i HAVE to believe that God will grant the desires of my daughter's heart someday even though i will NEVER understand why He allows suffering and heartache. i realized that my daughter should be grieving the loss of her baby, not the loss of her parents' faith. as hard as it is to accept that a loving, heavenly Father would allow such pain, it was harder for me to just give up. i was lucky that i had relationships with several ministers who i angrily called on and posed all sorts of questions full of emotion and doubts. they didn't judge but consoled me - not with platitudes but with honesty and empathy. i am praying for your father - and i am praying for you because i KNOW how hard this is for you. i do believe God understands and waits patiently for your dad's return. i pray that you can turn it over to Him and know in your heart that your dad will find his way back.
blessings, jan

Anonymous said...

I found your blog recently and will continue to pray for you and little Happy (what a delightful name), as well as your dad! In His Grace, Laurie

Laurie in Ca. said...

Hi Friend,

I will pray for your Dad during this time and for you to be at peace. I know you are following the Lords call and understand your choice in your heart. I sure can understand how hard it is for him to watch his daughter go through heartbreak. No parent wants this for their child and feels helpless. And happy gram sure knows the things she is writing about. I only know that God is faithful and keeps His promise to be with us. And I sure do know that you nor God chose this path for Happy and I am praying that your faith and trust not be shaken by others doubts and questioning. I know you have many questions yourself you want to ask God. There is nothing wrong with this, but this is your journey and you and Howard need to be supported. I will continue praying for you sweetie and ask God to keep your hearts and minds protected in Him. Thank you for letting us know what you need prayer for. This is a big one and He will protect you as others see what God does through you.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...

We sang this song at Mass on Friday...
Be Still for the Presence of the Lord
Be Still for the presence of the Lord, the Holy one is here.
Come bow before him now with reverence and fear.
In him no sin is found, we stand on holy ground.
Be Still, for the presence of the Holy One is here.
Be Still, for the glory of the Lord is shining all around.
He burns with holy fire, with spendor he is crowned.
How awesome is the sight, our radiant King of light.
Be still, for the glory of the Lord is shining all around.
Be Still, for the power of the Lord is moving in this place. He comes to cleanse and heal, to minister his grace.
No work too hard for him, in faith recieve from him. Be Still, for the power of the Lord is moving in this place.
xoxo, Lannea

Anonymous said...

Good morning! I want you to know that your family has been in my prayer for a while now. We missed you at MOPS on tuesday. I agree whith what you said about god being your strength. Our Bible Study is talking about the Sabbath and I think this verse can be used here too. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt. 5:28-30
I think God is saying that we need to put our lives in his hands and he will take care of us. Have a Happy day! Amy K. from MOPS

Julie said...

I came across your blog from another blog (Kenzie & Maddox) that I have begun reading.

Although I have never had to deal with the loss of my own baby, I did watch my brother-in-law and sister-in-law suffer through several miscarriages and losing a darling little girl who blessed the earth with her presence for a mere three hours. Unfortunately, I never got to meet her.

I just wanted to say that I am thrilled to read that you are trying so hard to keep your faith in God, even through all you've been through. Don't give up on your dad, either. Just continue to love him and lift him in prayer, just as you do for Happy. It's so hard when our parents say things that hurt us, but as you said, your dad isn't leaning on Christ. I know it's tough, but at least you see that, and can understand why he feels the way he does.

I pray for peace for you and your family that is beyond all understanding, and for God to continue to work on His miracle whom you have named Happy.