Thursday, January 24, 2008

Cannot Sleep...

I sit here tonight at the computer and everyone else is asleep. I should be sleeping too...I know that. I am so very tired and yet I just cannot sleep. I am not sure whether it is sheer exhaustion or if it is just grief catching up to me but I am really struggling tonight. It has been a tiring day. It is tough to begin your day with mind numbing exhaustion and persevere through caring for children, making meals and household chores, add to that I had to work until 11. I teach online and it is a fun job but time and energy consuming none the less. Tonight as I sit here I feel as though I have nothing left to give. My cup that normally runneth over is running on E. I cannot control my tears and I must say I haven't cried all that much through all of this.

In the last week the physical symptoms of pregnancy for me have begun. I am one of the lucky few who feels pretty great up until the end. I still physically feel great and I am sure better than many women who are 31 weeks pregnant. I just ache. My whole self aches. Each joint in my body is aching as my body prepares for labor. Happy is active and seems to be angry if I sit in a slouched position causing his space to be invaded by my ribs. I LOVE pregnancy and all that goes with it but for some reason as I think tonight that I will endure all of this physical pain once again in just a few weeks I am reminded of the agony of losing Isaac and how unjust it all seemed for a woman to endure such excruciating pain only to go home without her baby. I pray that this is not what happens again but I also must be realistic and at this point that is what all signs are pointing toward.

As I stumbled through the bookstores last night I gazed at all of the pregnancy and baby books thinking to myself that there is not ONE pregnancy book out there to help me understand what is happening. There is not one book that can help me know what to expect or how to handle it. There is no chapter in What to Expect When You're Expecting that covers what I am going through. I often feel so alone. It is also interesting to me how when you go through something like this some people have no words for you because there are none. Then others offer Bible verses and give you "magic words" that should make you feel better, but nothing does. I know that the only book with answers is the Bible and that is where I will find the truth...During pregnancy however I have ALWAYS LOVED pregnancy books. I love to learn all the amazing things a body does as it grows and births a baby. I have several and yet they seem to be lacking because while women in my stage of pregnancy are washing blankets and buying bottles, my husband and I are discussing life support, life saving measures, comfort care and memorial services.

I have come to the realization tonight that though I trust whole heartedly that the Lord is going to bring us through this, I am still a human. I am a mom who desperately wants ALL of my sons to be with me. I want to bring this little guy home and nurse him. I want to be mind numbingly tired because HE kept me up all night. I WANT to do endless loads of laundry that come with having a newborn. This all may be selfish but it is how I feel. I have been telling myself that if I give in to these feelings that it must mean that I am doubting God or that I have less faith. That is simply not the case. There are no easy answers for what is happening here. I hurt. Plain and simple. Jesus wept so there must be something to it... Psalm 34:18 says that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. I surely am crushed. I know God is answering our prayers and though he may not answer all of them as we see fit I know the answer will come in his perfect time. I know that he is a sovereign god who knew this baby before even I did. I know God is drawing ever near to me and to our family, but I wish it didn't have to hurt so much.

I often am asked how it is that I make the choice to get out of bed each day to live another day and as I sit here tonight I must admit that as I look toward the future it all seems so overwhelming. There are certainly days and nights like tonight that I just want to hide. I want to run away, but there is nowhere to hide and no place to run so I just have to keep on going. I so desperately want another baby. I am so blessed to have two healthy happy boys at home but I ache for another baby. I know that when we are given a child it is merely a loan. They are truly God's children and some only get to stay briefly, but that is such a hard thing to actually have to live. I have done it once and have often thought to myself, what have I done that has caused God to punish me in such a way not once but twice.? I have shaken an angry fist at God and still I have no answer. I will say it helps to take it up with Him though. I have no doubt that God will work all of this out for our good. I know that Happy will bring such joy to our lives, he already has. Mother Teresa once said "I know God won't give me more than I can handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much." That quote resonates with me. I know that God chose us for this journey for a very specific and awesome reason. My heart, along with the rest of my body still aches.

I sat here pondering whether or not I should publish this is definitely one of my weaker moments here tonight. I am feeling lonely and hurt. I don't want anyone to think that I am losing faith or that I would change having this miracle in my life for a moment. I know that even if I only get this little guy for a brief time he will touch my life forever and likely many other people's lives as well. Miracles are happening each day for us. And as I sit here I know that this does not for one moment take away from what God is doing. I am human and there is a human side to all of this...I trust in God, I believe his Word to be the truth and I know how blessed I truly am. The truth is that the Bible says that God loves brokenhearted people, he draws near to them. He wants to know the desires of our hearts. My heart is broken. He is our heavenly father who knows us better than we know deny my feelings would do no good anyhow...He already knows...God made this promise in Isaiah 25:8 "The Sovereign Lord will wipe away all tears." I believe this hurt is necessary. I have just been putting it off. It is part of this journey and I need to allow myself to feel all that I am feeling, the hurt, the anger, pain, frustration, loneliness, emptiness, joy, sorrow, grief, hope, love, and everything that comes my way... but I need to know that God will wipe away my tears and in the end he will remove all the hurt and pain from my life and I will be forever with him and my boys. I do find comfort in that, I know that having Isaac in my life caused me to love deeper than I ever knew possible and that love has grown with each of my boys and I can only imagine what is to come, but for tonight, I am a brokenhearted mom asking God to draw near and bring me some peace in knowing He's got this under control.


Azul said...

I stumbled onto your blog after following a couple of links from Confessions of a CF Husband.

Anything else I could say would be trite, so I'll just say thanks for sharing your story and journey, and I'll be praying for God's peace for you, Happy, and the rest of your family.

Julie said...

We all have our weak moments, and in the midst of the storm you are facing, it's purely natural to feel the way you do. Have you seen the YouTube video (well, it's actually just a sound clip with text added) of Logan? He's a 13 year old boy who has a pretty good grasp on grief and God. I'd say he's got a better understanding of it than most adults! You can click my name above and find the link on my blog, or you can go to YouTube and I'm sure if you type in Logan you will be able to find it.
Praying for your little miracle boy!

Melissa Dovel said...

As you thought should you even post your message- I too question should I post a comment. I prayed and feel like I should. I am a mom too and I dont know your pain but I know the love we have for our children. My mom died a few years ago and I was very close to her and something that gave me peace was this... As much as we love our children God loves us even more. That is so huge for me to wrap my head around and for some reason gave me peace. I pray for sweet rest and peace-


Laurie in Ca. said...

I am so amazed and humbled by your honesty in this post. I hope that writing it all out and feeling the hot tears that came offered you a small amount of relief in your broken heart. This is too much pain and fear to hold inside. My heart hurts with you and there is nothing selfish about wanting to hold this baby and nurse this baby and stay up all night with him. It is God who has given us the heart of a mother to nurture the one you carry in your body. How can this be selfish? God knows your heart and He understands every word you have written here. I am praying for you dear friend, with everything in me that He makes this journey bearable for you and Howard as you make the painful decisions that are necessary as you wait for Happy's birthday. This post is not weak, it takes great strength to write such powerful and heartbreaking thoughts from your heart. You are in my heart and I will walk this road with you in prayer.

Love you and Hugs,
Laurie in Ca.

Bobbie said...

I really want to respond. I have been holding back. But, here I go. I want to say that your anger is refreshing. Now, don't be angry at me. It is the truth. I too lost a son. Not very long ago. It has been 8 months. I remember people thinking I went through the whole thing with JT being in the nicu for 81/2 months as just being this strong person that just didn't realize that my son was dying. I knew my son was dying. Oh boy did I but, I wanted him to be happy. I didn't want my anger or sorrow or guilt or anything else that I felt besides love and just joy in knowing him felt by him. The doctors would tell me that I didn't know the seriousness of the situation. But, I did. I won't forget the day that they asked one of the nurses that I was closest too, why doesn't she cry why doesn't she get angry? Vicki told them, "it is because she has Jesus Christ in her life" She also mentioned they should try that way it might be good for them.

But, one night in my blog two nights before he passed away, yes, I got angry very angry. And you know what? It is ok to be angry with God, he has these humongous shoulders and he can take it. He wants us to lay down our fears and anger at his feet
He will take care of us.

King David got mad at God alot and God appreciated that.

I know that some of this may sound superficial to you or may sound like I am trying to give you a bandaid. I just want you to know that it is refreshing to let go of the anger. Not all of it because I don't think that can ever happen but, I still feel some anger. I still feel hurt and I still feel my baby in my arms.

Thanks for sharing your feeling with all of us in your blog. You don't know how much that it can help someone else that is going through similar situations.

God Bless you and I am praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I too am from PA, Southeastern PA just west of Philly. I found your blog through Kenzie Stanfield's.

Please know that you and your family are in my prayers. I don't know what you are going through right now as I have never lost a child, but I have walked through the valley and understand the pain and sorrow you are feeling. The one thing that kept me going when I was at my lowest point was the knowledge that no matter what God never left my side.

Psalm 46:10 is such a dear verse to me and has become a never-ending prayer in my life. When I arrived at your home page this song started playing. And the message is just as powerful today as it was the first time I heard it...

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Please know I am praying for you. May God give you more comfort now than ever before.

Tori - Pottstown, PA

Jenny said...

I too am a lurker who has been reading your blog for the last week. Found you by following several links from Confessions of a CF Husband.

I appreciate your post. It is honest and eloquent.

I can only imagine what you've been going through. Although I have never lost a child in such a way, I did relinguish a child for adoption at birth. Like you, it was hard to celebrate my pregnancy (knowing I would be giving her up shortly after her birth).

I wish you the best and please continue to share your feelings. Your feelings are obviously (based on other comments to this post) helping people who are or have been in similar positions.


The Adoption Of William said...

Thinking of you and praying for comfort and peace for you. You have such strength. Thank you for being transparent and sharing your feelings. HE is faithful!


William's Mom

Anonymous said...

I do not think that anything in your post sounds selfish, or even weak, or that your faith is wavering. I think is sounds exactly like you should be feeling right now. Scared, apprehensive, and yes, angry! You have the right to feel these things and it is very healthy to get them out instead of shutting them inside. God understands and he will not get angry with you. He is still with you to carry you through this. Just keep leaning on him, and he won't let you down.

Anonymous said...

praying for you today....

Anonymous said...

You are so honest and so strong.
You are helping people in ways you will never know.
Praying for a miracle for Happy.
With love

Anonymous said...

I don't think that faith is something that can come and go with how we feel-your faith is not stronger when you feel like trusting God nor is it less strong when you doubt. it is the belief that there is a God, that He is there,and that He hears- what we tell him doesn't change that- turst that He wants to hear it all and that all of us reading will not be put off by your honest talk about your faith. AND Happy is touching lives across the country!! Go Happy! Reaching people for Christ from the womb.

Mandy Farris said...

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your inner thoughts. My heart aches with you tonight as i read it. I know it must be so hard to be in such a similar situation as before. I know there is nothing i can say to make you feel better so i wont even attempt. Thank you for sharing.I am praying in Cincinnati. Email me if you ever need to vent.

Anonymous said...

Though I have never lost a child, the emotions you describe speak to many different circumstances. We have experienced secondary infertility for many years. I have asked the same questions: "What did I do to deserve this? Be "punished" like this? Where is God and why doesn't He show up?" As you process your own emotions, there are things in your writings we can all relate to. May God bless you with peace and strength.
A reader in VA

Laurie in Ca. said...

My prayers continue for you this weekend that you can get some rest from the exhaustion, physical and emotional. Asking God to comfort your fears and give you His sweet peace.

Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...

I live in MD. I found your blog through the CF Husband blog. Praying for you and will check on you daily. I loved the Logan video!

meg gustafson said...

Weak? You sound so strong. But that's how it is, isn't it? When we are weak, yes even feeling the WEAKEST, we are strong...the absolute STRONGEST. I know He just delights in your tender, sincere heart and mourns at how much it has to hurt right now.

-Meg (Mpls)