Friday, February 1, 2008

Crushed with Grief...

I am not sure if I shared, but our doctor from Pittsburgh seems to be certain they have found a diagnosis for whatever genetic issue is plaguing our family. I have mixed feelings about this...I first of all have limited belief that a diagnosis can be made based on an autopsy report, some pictures and sonograms. I know that what they are thinking isn't good...at BEST they expect the outcome to be similar with Isaac. But I also know that while these doctors are great and are trying to help us, they are not the end all, be all! I pray each day that the doctors are given the wisdom and knowledge to be able to help us in any way possible but I also know that the ultimate doctor is God...regardless of the "diagnosis" we will just have to wait until Happy is born to know what God has in store. I continue to pray for a miracle.

For many weeks now I have been feeling as though something is crushing me. Sometimes I can barely breathe...maybe it is that I have a baby shoving my lungs into my throat, but it feels like something more. Not only am I grieving the loss of my Isaac all over again through this, but I am grieving even more than that. I am not grieving the loss of Happy yet because I am thanking God each and every day that he is still here and kicking! I am however grieving the loss of a joyous pregnancy! Pregnancy is supposed to be filled with, excitement, belly rubbing, baby showers, and cute little baby things. For us, this hasn't been the case. It causes me to grieve because though Happy's future is uncertain, this is still a JOYOUS time! God has given us a gift, it may not be wrapped in the same package as most, but it is no less important. Instead of people looking at my belly with joy and hope, I often feel as though people look on me with pitty and sorrow. I understand that most people don't know what to say or do for us and I believe in many ways God wants it that way. If I was able to get my comfort from those around me I may lean on Him less. I need to rely on God who is the ultimate comforter....He has experienced sorrow and suffering and he grieves with me.

In my One Year Book of Hope, last night's reading really hit me...

The verse is Matthew 26:37-38
"Jesus took Peter and Zebedee's two sons, James and John, and He began to be filled with anguish and deep distress. He told them, "My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and watch with me."

I had never ever thought of that before. I have often times thought of the suffering that Jesus endured physically, but always thought that since He knew personally that the end result would be worth all of the pain he was ok with what he endured. It really amazed me to think that even Jesus was crushed with grief! As I read more of the text surrounding this quote I realized that Jesus was crushed with grief because he had been abandoned. He felt alone! EVEN Jesus felt so alone that he cried out "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me" Matthew 27:46.

I often feel very guilty when grief settles in or I am sad. I desperately want to enjoy the gift that I have been given but sometimes the grief of it all just ovewhelms me. Sometimes I wonder if God sees these times and feels that I am weak in faith. I cannot even begin to describe the peace that came over me when I read that Jesus was CRUSHED with grief and furthermore to the point of death! I must say that there have been days when I thought that if this pain I feel were physical, I would not survive it! I think back to my c-section with Isaac and am often asked how tough a c-section is...I must say I have no clue! I know it must have been painful, but compared with the emotional pain I was feeling at the time, the physical pain of major surgery was not even a blip on my radar! I NEVER once took a pain killer! The physical pain just did not occur to me!

I am so thankful that this book has brought me to these verses in the Bible. Often I feel so alone in all of this...not that those we love don't want to help and understand, but they can't. Unless you have endured this kind of suffering it would be impossible to even fathom it. These verses reminded me that Jesus knows. He not only endured immense physical pain but also lonliness and grief! Soul crushing grief to the point of death! Not that I am excited that Jesus had to endure this, but it makes me fell just a little less alone in my own grief.

So, while we still need the comfort and compassion of everyone and as I have said before we are so thankful to have friends who believe in God so much that they carry us to Him when we are too weary and that is a crucial part of our survival, we also must realize that we will never feel completely at peace without the comfort from the ultimate comforter. So I ask that you all continue to lift us up and get us to Him when we are weak and weary from the journey. It is not that we love Him or believe in Him any less, just that sometimes we all need a boost!

13 comments:

Melissa Dovel said...

I know that I can not relate to your pain- I hope that I can offer kind words that at least for the moment can offer you love and understanding as a fellow mom. Something occured to me while on 20 weeks of bed rest with my last baby. All I could do the whole time was think- I cant wait till this is all over, cant wait for Chris to come home tonight, cant wait to shower alone, cant wait, cant wait, cant wait. It brought me to a place of I need to focus on this moment and this time with joy instead of wishing and worring it away. What ever the Lord has for you around the cornner- try hard to enjoy now, feeling him move inside of you, the kids kissing your tummy, maybe even your husband waiting on you. I dont pretend to even understand what all you must be feeling- Just know that there are sisters in the Lord rallying around you and praying for peace in your heart.

Blessings to you and give happy a rub from me:)

Melissa

Laurie said...

Hi Kristy,

Isn't God so good to bring that reading to you last night, perfect for the time you are in? You are sharing in Christ's suffering. You did not ask for this but for Him to show you that He Himself felt this very crushing pain, wow, can you feel Him squeezing your hand right this moment? I just love this about Him, that He loves us so much to be so up close and personal and to feel His breath on you. This is so humbling. I know that the doctors are doing their job to the best of their human abilities. But God holds Happy's future in His hands. He has the final say. I am praying for a miracle healing for Happy. I do not say this to build false hope. I just know that God is capable of making it so, if it be His will. And I am asking Him to give you a full day's supply of peace and joy and hope, each new morning. And the knowledge that you will never be alone, not for one moment. He understands all too well and will not allow you to be abandoned. I love you and I love Happy and I look forward to meeting him with you.

Prayers and Many Hugs,
Laurie in Ca.

Carole said...

I'm so very sorry for the grief you are feeling. My words are so inadequate and can do nothing to ease your pain, only God can do that.

It is true that emotional pain and grief is actually worse than physical pain at times. There is no medication or pain killers for grief. We just have to rely on God to help us work through it and sometimes it takes a very long time.

Our Big Brother can sympathize with our hurts and apply that soothing balm to our souls....He's been there. I do believe He cries with us.

Love and prayers
Carole

Zac and Jenny said...

Dear Kristy,

We do not know each other... and I've only been reading your blog for a couple of weeks... and yet I feel like I've known you forever. Your words are so honest and so introspective... perhaps that is why.

As I've told you before, my placing Hannah for adoption at birth is very different from your experience, and yet so similar in so many ways. Many of the feelings you are going through are what I felt during my pregnancy with her. Especially when you write about people not knowing what to say and looking at your belly with sorrow rather than "being happy for you."

I know your sorrow of not having a baby shower and of not being able to celebrate the upcoming birth of Happy. In my situation I had two virtual strangers give me gifts before Hannah was born. Although it was akward, the gifts were well thought out and brought me much peace and joy through the years.

After much thought and prayer, I would like to "shower" you with a similar gift. If you're comfortable, would you please email me at jenny_boise@yahoo.com

-Jenny

The Pittsburgh Hites said...

kristy,
i'm sorry it's been a while since you've heard from us. We still have no DSL service at the new house and it's only been a week, but looking back at your blog, what a week its been.
I'm currently sitting in Magee using their internet while i have my 3 hour glucose test,catching up on everything.
I found a song last week that i want to send to you, you may have already head it. It's called "Prayer for a friend" by Casting Crowns. While sharing happy's story and asking more of our friends to add you to their prayers, one of my oldest friends pointed me to this song. I'm hoping to send it to you soon.
We continue to pray daily, and i hope that we can get the house back together soon so i can email you!!
All our love
-Ging

Yvette said...

My name is Yvette. We have 3 boys (Tanner, Tayden and Tristan). Tristan was born with Trisomy 18 on December 3, 2007 and just passed away on Sunday. The Lord blessed us with 56 days of miracles - more than we ever imagined possible. We lived in the moment and lived every day to the fullest!!!!

We started on this T-18 journey on August 15, 2007 when we found out through a high-level sonogram and amnio. As we began doing research on the Internet I found one families story which then led me to the Luce family (Poppy Joy Luce). We were due one day apart so I emailed Angie and we began walking this road together. Then shortly after that the Lord opened up the door to 2 other sweet Christian girls, Kenzie Stanfield and Kim Summons and the 4 of us became very good "Internet" friends and faithful prayer warriors as we daily lifted each other up and encouraged one other. Thank you for sharing your journey through the Internet.

I certainly relate to so much of what you are feeling - the uncertainty of the future is very hard to accept sometimes. Just know that the Lord will continue to carry you throughout this pregnancy just as He has carried you with your other boys and try to "focus on the here-and-now and live in the moment" that is what got me through from August 15th when we received the diagnosis until Tristan passed away on Sunday.

I will be praying for your family as you await the birth of your precious little boy, Happy!

Yvette Hostetter
tristanasher.blogspot.com

Kenzie Stanfield said...

Kristy-

Thank you so much for sharing that book and a piece of the light that it can bring to situations such as ours. Know that I continue to pray for your family, for Happy's healing, and for your heart to be flooded with peace and comfort.

I LOVE the pictures... and your comments are awesome!

Thank you for sharing your heart. These feeling are so complicated and unfortunately more are experiencing them first hand than I thought possible.

Love and praying,
Kenzie

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story, your pain and your joy in our Lord. Your boys are beautiful... ALL of them. I just wanted to let you know that I'm reading your blog and will pray for Happy and family.

Donna in Michigan

Julie said...

It was really a blessing to me to read that. Thanks for sharing your worry, fear, frustration, and most importantly hope. Our God knows what His plans for Happy are, and as hard as it may be to understand, I hope that the assurance that the Lord understands how you feel continues to give you peace.
Praying for you and that Happy boy in your belly...

Laura said...

Hi! I just stumbled across your blog the other day and wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you and for your sweet baby boy. Your family is beautiful and your obvious faith in our sovereign God is so encouraging.

Kiesha Quinonez said...

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Kiesha

ajc4ever said...

Hi I found your website from one about unborn Eva. I will pray for you guys. Your little Happy looks beautiful. Those ultrasounds are just incredible. I looked through your photo shoot pics too an enjoyed them. You guys got some great shots...as well as some humorous ones too. :-)

Angela in central Ohio

David and Cassie said...

Prayers are being given by everyone that reads your blog. I know that our Father in Heaven is listening. I don't know of His plan for all of us here but I know that everything in life has a purpose.
When I was in distress somebody once told me that when it felt like all of hell had broken lose around us something great was about to happen. I don't know if that makes sense but I did see something great come before me, overall I was never alone.
warmly,
Cassie