I am not sure if I shared, but our doctor from Pittsburgh seems to be certain they have found a diagnosis for whatever genetic issue is plaguing our family. I have mixed feelings about this...I first of all have limited belief that a diagnosis can be made based on an autopsy report, some pictures and sonograms. I know that what they are thinking isn't good...at BEST they expect the outcome to be similar with Isaac. But I also know that while these doctors are great and are trying to help us, they are not the end all, be all! I pray each day that the doctors are given the wisdom and knowledge to be able to help us in any way possible but I also know that the ultimate doctor is God...regardless of the "diagnosis" we will just have to wait until Happy is born to know what God has in store. I continue to pray for a miracle.
For many weeks now I have been feeling as though something is crushing me. Sometimes I can barely breathe...maybe it is that I have a baby shoving my lungs into my throat, but it feels like something more. Not only am I grieving the loss of my Isaac all over again through this, but I am grieving even more than that. I am not grieving the loss of Happy yet because I am thanking God each and every day that he is still here and kicking! I am however grieving the loss of a joyous pregnancy! Pregnancy is supposed to be filled with, excitement, belly rubbing, baby showers, and cute little baby things. For us, this hasn't been the case. It causes me to grieve because though Happy's future is uncertain, this is still a JOYOUS time! God has given us a gift, it may not be wrapped in the same package as most, but it is no less important. Instead of people looking at my belly with joy and hope, I often feel as though people look on me with pitty and sorrow. I understand that most people don't know what to say or do for us and I believe in many ways God wants it that way. If I was able to get my comfort from those around me I may lean on Him less. I need to rely on God who is the ultimate comforter....He has experienced sorrow and suffering and he grieves with me.
In my One Year Book of Hope, last night's reading really hit me...
The verse is Matthew 26:37-38
"Jesus took Peter and Zebedee's two sons, James and John, and He began to be filled with anguish and deep distress. He told them, "My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and watch with me."
I had never ever thought of that before. I have often times thought of the suffering that Jesus endured physically, but always thought that since He knew personally that the end result would be worth all of the pain he was ok with what he endured. It really amazed me to think that even Jesus was crushed with grief! As I read more of the text surrounding this quote I realized that Jesus was crushed with grief because he had been abandoned. He felt alone! EVEN Jesus felt so alone that he cried out "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me" Matthew 27:46.
I often feel very guilty when grief settles in or I am sad. I desperately want to enjoy the gift that I have been given but sometimes the grief of it all just ovewhelms me. Sometimes I wonder if God sees these times and feels that I am weak in faith. I cannot even begin to describe the peace that came over me when I read that Jesus was CRUSHED with grief and furthermore to the point of death! I must say that there have been days when I thought that if this pain I feel were physical, I would not survive it! I think back to my c-section with Isaac and am often asked how tough a c-section is...I must say I have no clue! I know it must have been painful, but compared with the emotional pain I was feeling at the time, the physical pain of major surgery was not even a blip on my radar! I NEVER once took a pain killer! The physical pain just did not occur to me!
I am so thankful that this book has brought me to these verses in the Bible. Often I feel so alone in all of this...not that those we love don't want to help and understand, but they can't. Unless you have endured this kind of suffering it would be impossible to even fathom it. These verses reminded me that Jesus knows. He not only endured immense physical pain but also lonliness and grief! Soul crushing grief to the point of death! Not that I am excited that Jesus had to endure this, but it makes me fell just a little less alone in my own grief.
So, while we still need the comfort and compassion of everyone and as I have said before we are so thankful to have friends who believe in God so much that they carry us to Him when we are too weary and that is a crucial part of our survival, we also must realize that we will never feel completely at peace without the comfort from the ultimate comforter. So I ask that you all continue to lift us up and get us to Him when we are weak and weary from the journey. It is not that we love Him or believe in Him any less, just that sometimes we all need a boost!
Thoughts of Hope
12 hours ago