Well, I wish I could write that I have miraculously become completely at peace with the universe and that my heart is hurting less, but that is not the case. I have however begun to try and figure some things out.
Lately I have been struggling so hard to stay postive yet be realistic. How do you hope for the best and prepare for the worst? You see, I believe that God could heal our little guy. There is always a chance that that could happen. God has a great track record of performing miracles. In my experience however that has not been the case. When we went through everything with Isaac there were so many things that I would do differently if I could because I was just in shock. I am not sure if God plans to heal Happy or not. I want to have hope yet I want to be more prepared to enjoy every moment with him should his time be brief. I want to make sure his grandparents hold him, his brothers meet him, his friends and family meet him and we get some pictures of him.
I want to bring glory to God through our circumstance. I want to honor the gift God has given us no matter what the outcome. I want to celebrate Happy's life regardless of it's length. I know that God is sending us this child because he is perfect for us and we are perfect for him. I also believe that there is something so much bigger than what we see going on here. I want to be able to put a positive spin on all of this and rest in knowing that God will hold us through it all.
I have been so focused on trying to be positive, and faithful and upbeat that I have neglected an important part of the process. GRIEF. I have not really allowed myself to grieve at all. I have been trying so hard to stay strong for everyone else I have not really allowed myself to mentally grasp what is going on here.
Today was interesting to me because when we woke up it was so cold and snow was blowing and we debated not going to church. But, we decided we did not know what to do with a Sunday morning without church so we left a little early and forged on. The message today was pretty appropriate for me. It was entitled Good Grief. Kind of an oxymoron, but Bill pointed out that often times God uses oxymorons to teach us to look below the surface of the two seemingly contradictory words. The Bible teaches us that grief is necessary. Jesus wept and so should we. Matthew 5:4 says: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." This was a passage used in today's sermon. It was kind of funny because when we came home I had looked in a book that I pick up each day, called Daily Blessings by Max Lucado and this VERY verse was the verse for the day in that book as well. So as God is telling me to Be Still, he is also telling me that it is okay to mourn and be sad.
I am beginning to realize it isn't a one or the other kind of thing. I had been thinking that if I was giving in to my human feelings that I was not going to be able to bring Glory to God! It is okay and actually necessary to be hurt and broken by loss. And while I am not yet grieving the loss of Happy, and I pray I won't have to, I am grieving the loss of so many other things. Last month marked 20 years since my Mom died, I am grieving that loss still because I do not have a mother to help me through parenting and pregnancy dilemmas. I am grieving the loss of our amazing son Isaac, each day brings loss as I realize I not only lost a son, but also my dreams for him. I will never see him run with his brothers or witness him growing this side of heaven. And I am also grieving the loss of a joyous "normal" pregnancy. You see for me, pregnancy is now different for me. It has lost it's innocence and niaveity. I am so aware of the shortcomings and pain in this fallen world that it pains me. I look around sometimes and am astounded at all of the pain, suffereing and injustice in this world.
I am beginning to learn that it is okay to mourn those losses. But while we mourn, we get to make a choice. We choose whether our mourning will bring life or death. And though I am hurting and broken, I CHOOSE LIFE! So as I mourn and throw my tantrum I know that through it all God will comfort me!
2 days ago