I wish I could write today and say that I feel better than yesterday. I am not weeping at the moment, but I am just kind of going through the motions.
Last night Howard took us to the Olive Garden (we had a gift card and it is a favorite restaurant of ours). We had a really great dinner. It was the first time I had left the house since Church on Saturday so it was good to get out. I haven't been feeling physically so great lately so I was just hoping that the food would settle. I have been getting terrible heartburn...maybe Happy has hair like Isaac! After dinner we went to Sams Club because there were a few things we needed to pick up there. I found a bulk bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs which for those of you who know my love for those chocolatey bites of heaven, was quite a blessing! Food certainly doesn't make things better, but it is great to indulge once in a while!
We came home and put the boys to bed and Howard watched college basketball while I went to bed and watched two of my favorite shows...The Daily Show and The Colbert Report! Colbert was particularly hilarious last night! It was good to laugh a little.
This morning as I sit here I still feel worn out from everything! I guess with time winding down, and remembering our journey with Isaac, the reality of everything is hitting me pretty hard. I so love being pregnant, and I really don't want it to end. I remember coming home from the hospital after having Isaac feeling so empty. Physially empty, emotionally empty with empty aching arms. The c section made it even worse...I felt like Isaac had basically been ripped away from me on a moment's notice and left me feeling hollow and angry.
I thought I had dealt well with most of that. I feel that Isaac's life had great meaning and was an amazing gift to us and through the pain, IN TIME, I was able to see how many great and amazing things came from Isaac's short life. I took comfort in knowing that we would be together again someday and that God was in control. I had learned so much from our little Isaac! He was such a blessing.
As I sit and reflect on that I know that I am so thankful still that God chose and trusted Howard and I to be the parents of such a special guy!
That said, if I am being honest, I cannot help but wonder what lesson I failed to learn through our first experience that would cause God to make us go through this again. I am honestly not sure my heart can take it. I long to hold this baby boy and yet I am hoping he stays safely inside my body for as long as humanly possible! I am so conflicted.
I know that God is telling me to be still and just trust in Him. I know he will make sure that we are cared for and come through this victoriously. I know that this is far from over and a miracle is certainly not out of the question. BUT my heart is hurting so much now, I am longing to see God intervene. I feel like most days I go through the day without REALLY taking a breath. Breathing shallow just to get through the day. I try so hard to breathe deaply and yet I gasp.
I am praising God and praying though I admit that sometimes it is through gritted teeth! I know he is in control but I certainly do not like what is happening. I know that good things are to come but I could really use a little reprive!
3 days ago