Thursday, February 7, 2008

Going through the motions...

I wish I could write today and say that I feel better than yesterday. I am not weeping at the moment, but I am just kind of going through the motions.

Last night Howard took us to the Olive Garden (we had a gift card and it is a favorite restaurant of ours). We had a really great dinner. It was the first time I had left the house since Church on Saturday so it was good to get out. I haven't been feeling physically so great lately so I was just hoping that the food would settle. I have been getting terrible heartburn...maybe Happy has hair like Isaac! After dinner we went to Sams Club because there were a few things we needed to pick up there. I found a bulk bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs which for those of you who know my love for those chocolatey bites of heaven, was quite a blessing! Food certainly doesn't make things better, but it is great to indulge once in a while!

We came home and put the boys to bed and Howard watched college basketball while I went to bed and watched two of my favorite shows...The Daily Show and The Colbert Report! Colbert was particularly hilarious last night! It was good to laugh a little.

This morning as I sit here I still feel worn out from everything! I guess with time winding down, and remembering our journey with Isaac, the reality of everything is hitting me pretty hard. I so love being pregnant, and I really don't want it to end. I remember coming home from the hospital after having Isaac feeling so empty. Physially empty, emotionally empty with empty aching arms. The c section made it even worse...I felt like Isaac had basically been ripped away from me on a moment's notice and left me feeling hollow and angry.

I thought I had dealt well with most of that. I feel that Isaac's life had great meaning and was an amazing gift to us and through the pain, IN TIME, I was able to see how many great and amazing things came from Isaac's short life. I took comfort in knowing that we would be together again someday and that God was in control. I had learned so much from our little Isaac! He was such a blessing.

As I sit and reflect on that I know that I am so thankful still that God chose and trusted Howard and I to be the parents of such a special guy!

That said, if I am being honest, I cannot help but wonder what lesson I failed to learn through our first experience that would cause God to make us go through this again. I am honestly not sure my heart can take it. I long to hold this baby boy and yet I am hoping he stays safely inside my body for as long as humanly possible! I am so conflicted.

I know that God is telling me to be still and just trust in Him. I know he will make sure that we are cared for and come through this victoriously. I know that this is far from over and a miracle is certainly not out of the question. BUT my heart is hurting so much now, I am longing to see God intervene. I feel like most days I go through the day without REALLY taking a breath. Breathing shallow just to get through the day. I try so hard to breathe deaply and yet I gasp.

I am praising God and praying though I admit that sometimes it is through gritted teeth! I know he is in control but I certainly do not like what is happening. I know that good things are to come but I could really use a little reprive!

11 comments:

laughing out loud said...

I don't have anything very grand to say except that I do not know if our God is creating this experience because you did not learn something last time with Isaac. Maybe he choose you because you learned EVERYTHING with Isaac, and because you proved wothy and faithful then, He choose you yet again to be the perfect Mom to Happy. I am weeping with grief right now, can't hardly see to type...Just as Happys days were laid out so were yours.

I pray this for you today,
Father, you are everything. You are the beginning and the end, the giver and the taker of life. So in this moment, please give grace to the Bolte family. Please cover them, and then shower them with your presence. Bind them up with your mercy and comfort them.

Psalm 86 15-17
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant and save the son of your maidservant. Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

I will continue to lift you up, my sister.

April
Lauderdale MS

Jarboetwingles said...

Waiting for Happy... that title desn't quite do justice to this journey. Waiting, loving, praying, celebrating, longing, griveing, sharing... all of these and so much more are layering themselves on top of your heart aren't they? I know these thoughts flood over my heart when my mind turns to your family (which is often) I pray Lord that you would protect the hearts of this family. Bring the peace and physical strength they need for this time Lord. I pray for the family and friends who have the honor of being the hands, feet and arms of Jesus during this time. Lord I pray for the doctors, nurses, lab techs and any other medical staff that will be caring for this family give them wisdom and compassion. Thank you Lord for the confidence we have that Issac is whole and rejoicing with you!! In your Holy Name Amen

Alicia said...

I recently found your website through another. Please know that you are being lifted up in prayer.

On Feb. 1, my baby was taken from my womb, I would have been 20 weeks (he had died 2 to 3 weeks earlier). I can identify with your feelings...going through the motions...how true.

Life is hard, but God is good.

Alicia

Shane and Devin said...

Kristy,

I am sorry you are having another rough day. Your words are heartbreaking to read, yet I am encouraged knowing that you KNOW deep down God's love for you.

For our good, and His glory. It is the reason behind EVERYTHING that happens.

I know that we will never know this side of heaven so many of the WHY's of this life. But, when we see HIS big picture someday, we will be able to fully rejoice at everything He has done for us and is doing for us on a daily basis.

I will continue to lift you up in prayer; my heart just breaks for you and your family. I wish I could do more....but I will be faithful in prayer, I can promise you that.

Devin in Illinois

Laurie said...

Kristy,

I am praying for you, praying for your family and for Happy. I think it is in times like this, that God choosing to use you can certainly feel like a punishment instead. I believe with all my heart that since children are His gift, He would in no way use them as a punishment. I don't know much, but I do know that Happy is a gift, a precious and desired gift, just as Isaac is and so many other babies are. My heart aches with you as you wait for his birthday to come. I am asking the Lord to cover you with His peace to get you through and to keep your hope and faith protected. And especially for Him to help you breathe when it seems you can't. And to be totally honest with you, I don't like this either and will pray for reprive and peace for you friend.

Love and Hugs and Prayers,
Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...

I don't know why, I wish I understood. At MOPS when ever someone speak of you it is with love and friendship. The ladies who know you best almost always smile and laugh as if they are thinking about a joke that they share with you. YOU AND YOUR FAMILY are loved so much and so many are praying for you each day. Happy is so blessed to have you and your husband as his parents. Stay strong and know that he is with you.
Amy K.

Anonymous said...

Although I only know of you through this blog, I have continued to pray for you many times today.

Kristin

Jaclyn said...

I am praying for you and that you have peace these last few weeks of pregnancy. God LOVES your baby...Happy's name is written on HIS hands. I don't think God it doing this to you. I think we live here on earth...where there is disease and imperfection. Perfection is Heaven,,,this world is broken. I believe the Lord weeps with you. He loves you. I don't undersatnd it all, and we won't until we are no longer on this earth.
I thank you for sharing your story with us strangers. I promise to pray for your precious, precious family.

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Dear Sweet Kristy,
I found you, or you found me - then I found you. I have spent hours reading your blog over the last 3 days (my computer get's slow and locked up on your page for some reason which takes longer too). But...I have come to the "leave your comment" section at least 10 times just to stare at it and get out of it and walk away, head hung. I am finding it difficult....because I want to write something, something that will be profound and give your heart a break if only for a second...and I haven't got it yet. But tonight I HAD to at least let you know I am here, I am with you, I feel it, I hate it, I love it, just everything. Thank you for reaching out to me, I added you to my prayer list on my blog. You are in my heart now....I will pray...I will cry...and I will rejoice that yet again I have found someone who has this wonderful heart that you have, and that you are willing to share it with me.
With love,
Kim

The Adoption Of William said...

I cannot help but break down in tears for you. Your heartache jumps right off the page of this blog. I am sending love and prayers your way. I pray you find relief and comfort in the Lord. I do not understand the Lord's plan but must trust him. It is just very hard to hear you are hurting so much. Hold tight to HIM.

With much love,

William's Mom

Laurie said...

Stopping in this morning to let you know I am thinking about you and praying for you. Asking Him to bless you with His peace.

Love, Laurie in Ca.