Friday, February 29, 2008

Venturing out...

I have begun venturing out into the world again and it is a strange thing...

I feel as though I must be completely transparent and when people look at me they must see my broken heart. We went to the mall this morning so that Howard and I could get something to wear for Sunday's service, we have BOTH grown :-) Howard had luck...I of course did not. My body is still in between and it is tough to find something comfortable yet appropriate. This added to the already difficult day I had been having. Asher's obituary was in the paper today and it somehow just made things feel so much more real and final. It is difficult to describe the emotion that comes over a mom as she reads her own child's obituary in the paper. I cried most of the morning.

We had tickets to go tonight to see Leeland and Casting Crowns. We had been looking forward to this concert for months and were debating whether or not we should attempt. I was so torn. I felt guilty for going as if I had no business doing anything fun when it has been less than a week since my son died, and yet I felt like it would be a great opportunity to spend time with my husband worshipping God. The trouble is, today I didn't really feel like worshipping God. I felt like going to bed and pulling the covers over my head and just hiding there all day.

I prayed about it and pondered the "right" decision. For those who know me, music is a huge part of my life and worship music especially. It also happens that those two bands have written several songs that have had great meaning to me on this journey. (Leeland - Carried to the Table and Casting Crowns, Love her like Jesus and Praise you in this Storm to name a few) As I prayed I was reminded of Job. A man who I have spent a lot of time reading about over the last few months. Job was a man of God and he had EVERYTHING stripped away from him and yet he never turned his back on God. This doesn't mean he liked God's plan for his life, but he submitted. I was reminded specifically of a time in Job's life that he worshipped God even though he didn't want to. He gritted his teeth and praised God even though he didn't feel like it.

So, we went. Our dear friends Brooke and Ryan kept our boys which was a huge blessing as we knew they would have fun and be well cared for. And we went...and I am so glad. I cannot even describe the peace that came over me when I through gritted teeth stood up and worshipped the God who gave Asher to me and also took him away. I praised God even in this storm and I have to say it was tough and at my very core I did not feel like it. But what took place in my heart tonight cannot be described in words. I thought I would just weep all night and I didn't I was able to rejoice in knowing that God is so much bigger than this. I rejoice for the love I now know because of Asher.

My heart is still broken and my body is still aching but for today I was able to feel peace and for that I am grateful. God's grace is truly sufficient.

12 comments:

mandy said...

I am so glad that you went tonight and found some peace and comfort. Continuing to keep you in prayer.

Emily said...

Oh, praise God. You don't know it but you wrote these words, at this time, for me. God needed to speak these words to my incredibly broken heart (over more sorrows than even my grief alone). And I am so humbled to say that. You, there in your brokenness, are ministering to ME in mine. I should be praying for you and yet, you are continuing to serve God well. I remember singing along with Travis Cottrell at the Deeper Still conference last fall through gritted teeth. God can do such a work in our heart, when we let Him begin with our lips. Thank you, my precious broken hearted friend for wandering out in the rain, that I might witness you praising Him in this downpour. May His blessings flood your life, even in this moment.

Chrissy said...

So happy to hear that you ventured out. I think of you often. Know that I am here for you.

siscaboo said...

I am so glad to hear that you went out. I am still praying for you and your family.

JennyWho said...

Kristy, I am glad you and your husband went to the concert, and I'm glad you have the "Praise You in This Storm" song on your blog...the first time I visited your blog I heard that beautiful song and was - and continue to be -moved by its message. It's difficult to praise God in the storm, especially one such as you and your family are going through...but hang in there. God is with you. Bless you and your family. Still praying for you.

J. in OH

Laurie said...

Kristy,

You minister to my heart so much. In this storm that you are in, you choose to praise Him, even if you don't feel like it. God is so evident in His promise to never let you go and He understands your broken heart so much more than we or even you do. He loves you dearly, cares so deeply, and understands so completely, and for this I am so grateful. Praying that this Sunday will be so blessed
as you celebrate Asher's little life. He has blessed mine so much by following his story that is just unfolding. He will be alive in the hearts of many, especially mine, forever. I love you Kristy and Howard and am praying daily for your broken hearts.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Zac and Jenny said...

I don't know what to say that the previous posters haven't already said. The Casting Crowns song that you have on your blog has touched me deeply. I have listened to it over and over... finding strength and understanding... finding a better and more sincere relationship with God.

PD: I'm so glad you went to the concert and found peace.

M said...

I am sorry I haven't left a comment before. I have so enjoyed seeing the pictures of your precious little boy. I know they are priceless to you and I am greatful you would share them. I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Michelle

Anonymous said...

Can you visualize God catching our tears? What an amazing picture. Today I am struggling with a situation and have also shed tears. My hurt is nothing compared to what you are going through. Thank you for sharing and being a blessing during your time of tears.

So Blessed said...

Thank you for sharing this today. What a beautiful example of faithfulness. You are giving thanks and praise in ALL circumstances...just as the Word tells us to do, even though it is the most painful circumstance. God will bless you for this faithfulness that is a testimony that points more people to Him. I am praying for your precious family as you come to the time of little Asher's service. May God sustain you with the strength and peace that only He can give.

Hilary Marquis said...

You are an example to us all. What a God we serve! Continuing to pray for your peace and healing.

Anonymous said...

Enjoy your wonderful sons--my husband had three sons before I was blessed with an angel to watch over us. I didn't bring my little angel home from the hospital either, but where is home? It was 20 years ago on February 2, and our family has had only blessings, including our lovely daughter. Our ultimate destiny is where our little angel lives. God knows why, and one day we'll know. What I realize is that many others learned from our experience, and I hope it has lightened their path.