I have begun venturing out into the world again and it is a strange thing...
I feel as though I must be completely transparent and when people look at me they must see my broken heart. We went to the mall this morning so that Howard and I could get something to wear for Sunday's service, we have BOTH grown :-) Howard had luck...I of course did not. My body is still in between and it is tough to find something comfortable yet appropriate. This added to the already difficult day I had been having. Asher's obituary was in the paper today and it somehow just made things feel so much more real and final. It is difficult to describe the emotion that comes over a mom as she reads her own child's obituary in the paper. I cried most of the morning.
We had tickets to go tonight to see Leeland and Casting Crowns. We had been looking forward to this concert for months and were debating whether or not we should attempt. I was so torn. I felt guilty for going as if I had no business doing anything fun when it has been less than a week since my son died, and yet I felt like it would be a great opportunity to spend time with my husband worshipping God. The trouble is, today I didn't really feel like worshipping God. I felt like going to bed and pulling the covers over my head and just hiding there all day.
I prayed about it and pondered the "right" decision. For those who know me, music is a huge part of my life and worship music especially. It also happens that those two bands have written several songs that have had great meaning to me on this journey. (Leeland - Carried to the Table and Casting Crowns, Love her like Jesus and Praise you in this Storm to name a few) As I prayed I was reminded of Job. A man who I have spent a lot of time reading about over the last few months. Job was a man of God and he had EVERYTHING stripped away from him and yet he never turned his back on God. This doesn't mean he liked God's plan for his life, but he submitted. I was reminded specifically of a time in Job's life that he worshipped God even though he didn't want to. He gritted his teeth and praised God even though he didn't feel like it.
So, we went. Our dear friends Brooke and Ryan kept our boys which was a huge blessing as we knew they would have fun and be well cared for. And we went...and I am so glad. I cannot even describe the peace that came over me when I through gritted teeth stood up and worshipped the God who gave Asher to me and also took him away. I praised God even in this storm and I have to say it was tough and at my very core I did not feel like it. But what took place in my heart tonight cannot be described in words. I thought I would just weep all night and I didn't I was able to rejoice in knowing that God is so much bigger than this. I rejoice for the love I now know because of Asher.
My heart is still broken and my body is still aching but for today I was able to feel peace and for that I am grateful. God's grace is truly sufficient.
1 day ago