Today for some reason has been an excruciating day. I feel like I am suffocating. The morning started as all others...I got up with Ben, threw in a load of laundry, snuggled with Ben until Luke got up and then made them breakfast. While they were eating I checked email. I then got the kids dressed and we went about our day. Around lunchtime though I just began to feel different. You see, for the most part, I appear to be pretty strong and at peace about all of this. Truly, I am not. I looked at the pictures of Isaac hanging in the living room and it all began to flood back to me. The anguish of watching him struggle in the hospital, the difficulty of deciding whether we stay at the NICU with Isaac or go home and see Luke, explaining all of this to Luke who was awaiting a baby brother, and worst of all going home on that July day empty handed.
So many people, meaning well tell you that the pain goes away or subsides. I beg to differ. When I think back the pain is just as sharp and real today as it was two years ago. I will never forget the physical ache of sitting at home without a baby to hold. I still ache to hold Isaac just one more time! Most days I am able to try and shove this anguish somewhere else and consume myself with my day, but today it fought it's way to the forefront. I got the boys lunch and went to my room and just began to sob. I can feel Happy moving inside of me and while I cannot wait to see him, it seems that time is passing me by WAY too fast. I am already almost 33 weeks pregnant. 37 weeks is the farthest I have gone into a pregnancy. Luke was born at 35. This means Happy is due to make his arrival somewhere between two and seven weeks from now! Likely closer to 4. For the first time I actually got on my knees and wept in my room. I began pleading with God not to allow me to go through this again. My heart just cannot handle it. I begged God to save our son and to save us from the pain of losing another one of our children. I hadn't really done this before. I pray all the time for God to heal him, but today was different. It was raw and painful. I just cannot begin to fathom why God would want us to suffer in such a way again!
I feel somewhat like I am having a break down! I got myself together and went to clean up lunch. I got Ben ready for his nap and usually I read him a story and just put him in bed. I could not put him down today. I rocked and held him for as long as he would allow. Of course he then decided it was time to go to bed and pointed to his crib and asked for his blanket :-) which most times is awesome that he wants to go to sleep on his own, but today I just wanted to hold him in my aching arms.
I sit here trying very hard to make sense of all of this. It certainly not that I am losing faith in God. I am just so consumed with hurt. To go through nine months of pregnancy and then have your baby taken from you is the most undescribable pain I can imagine. The thought of possibly having to do all of this again almost makes my heart stop beating. It is like an elephant is sitting on my heart and crushing it more and more.
I know that feelings like this are normal, and actually probably more healthy than to go on pretending everything is ok and normal, and I know that these waves will come and go as time goes on. It seems as though not only am I terrified of where this pregnancy and Happy's birth may take me but I am also grieving the loss of Isaac all over again and it is more than I can bear!
So, I am asking that you all continue to pray for a miracle but also for my heart and the hearts of my family. This is such a difficult road to walk and sometimes it seems completely unbearable. In the next week or so we will have so many decisions to make and planning to do. Many of the discussions we will be having will be relatively easy, but others will be discussions NO parent should have to have, so please also pray for this. Some of the upcoming decisions we will be thinking about are:
-c section or natural birth - Though I would prefer natural, if it will be too hard on Happy's body, I wan to make the choice that will maximize our time with him and cause him the least stress.
- where to give birth - Erie or Pittsburgh
- who will care for our boys, considering who will bring them to the hospital immediately and often and will provide the smallest amount of upset in their lives
- How much time Howard will take off from work
- what measures we want doctors to take to keep Happy alive should there prove to be problems
- What things are important for us to plan for his birth and arrival as well as things we will need in the hospital
Like I said these are just a few of the things we are thinking about right now...there will be many more decisions to come so please keep us in prayer as we prepare to weather the storm if necessary, though we are hoping it won't be necessary! Thank you all for your continued support and love! I think I need a nap! :-)
23 hours ago