Monday, February 25, 2008

Plunged into the Valley

I want to be able to write that I am at peace today. I want to say that I submit and accept God's good plan for my life. I want to affirm that my suffering will lead to giving God the glory he deserves.

I want to be able to do all of those things, but today, I cannot. This morning as I woke up I realized that my body was incredibly broken. My abdomen throbbing in pain from having Asher taken from me. As what seems like a cruel reminder of what could have been, my milk has come in and is causing incredible discomfort. With Isaac since I had already been pumping for him, I continued to do so and donated the milk to a Milk Bank for babies who needed it and allowed my body to gradually adjust to the change. I cannot bring myself to do that this time as I did not even have the opportunity to offer it to my own son.

Benjamin is unbearably clingy and just wants to be held and loved, yet I cannot lift him for an entire month. I am desperate to do something normal yet my physical discomfort prevents me from my daily "psycho cleaning" therapy. It all seems so cruel to me today.

Last night it dawned on Luke that Asher did not come home. He had some questions and we answered honestly and openly. He was wonderful. He cried yet understood at a level I never imagined. As a true child his first question was, "Well, what about those toys people got for Asher, he can't have them. Who should have those?" He had his eye on this little lamb that played "Jesus Loves Me." I told him I thought Asher would want him to have that one to keep in his room if he wanted it. He said he would ask him when he prayed that night. :-) That made me smile.

This morning as I was crying, Luke came to me and asked if I was missing Asher. I told him I was. He continued to comfort me and bring me a tissue. He said, "Well, Mom it is okay to miss him, but you know he is still with us in our hearts." What wisdom coming from a four year old. It did my heart good to see how much Luke truly understood.

It seems so strange to me that as I sit here, my world seemingly paused in grief that the rest of the world is going on as usual without Asher. It is as though I feel that the entire world should stop turning because mine has. I should be sitting here exhausted from being up all night nursing my son and insted I sit here exhausted from grief and physical pain.

We have gotten many messages of love and support and yet no words comfort me. I don't want to be told how strong I am or that I have "an angel". I know that Asher is with God, not an angel, but with God and I am so thankful that if I cannot be with my him, God is and I know that He is the only one who could love him the way I do.

It is weird, I do feel angry but not really with God. I don't believe this is from God. I believe that these circumstances and this suffering is just a consequence of living in a fallen world. There is suffering all around us. Defective genes are a product of living in a fallen world. That said, I also believe that God did choose us to be Asher's parents. I believe he was an amazing gift and he truly did bring "Happyness" to everyone. I miss him though, I miss being pregnant with him and feeling him move. He brought so much love to this earth and I just long to snuggle him one last time.

So, we are okay and we know God will hold on to us through all of this but we also need to grieve and grieving is exhausting hard work. That is where we are at right now. We are deep in a valley, but we know that God promises we won't be here forever. Though we will always miss our sons in Heaven, a day will come when I don't cry the larger part of the day, but that day is not today and likely won't be tomorrow.

49 comments:

Corinne said...

BLESSED are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Matthew 5:4


Praying for you as you mourn ..... praying that you will eventually find the comfort that is promised to you.

Leigh Ann said...

Beautiful words from a mother's broken heart. Thanks for sharing. Lifting you & your family up in prayer as you walk through this valley.

Melissa Dovel said...

Kristy,

I just want to say that in part where you wrote that the rest of the world just goes on. I know that feeling. It angered me most the day my mom/best friend died. I think about every day and she passed away in 01'. Every time I hear or read of someone loosing a loved one it comes back to me- I try very hard even if its never noticed to remember that person and there family and pray for there pain. There IS a huge difference that Asher is not here in his family's loving arms. I hope that I did not over step my boundries with sharing this. I was hoping that understanding if even in a small part of your pain today would bring comfort.

Praying 4 U
melissa

Melody said...

"Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain."
Isaiah 40:4

This valley will pass with time and healing from our Maker. Cling to Him through this season of mourning, and hold tight to His promises.

Praying for you and your family in Houston, TX.

The Adoption Of William said...

I am so so sorry Kristy. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are in and I will not try. I am SO SO sorry.

With Love and Hope,

Jen

Kim said...

Oh how my heart breaks for you and your family as I read your post. There are NO words.
Praying for you all.
Kim

The VW's said...

God understands your pain and is with you in your valley. Suffering is a gift from God. Your suffering is a gift to many! We are being taught so many valuable lessons through the pain you are going through. We are learning what true faith is, we are learning what true love is, we are learning to have empathy for others, we are learning how blessed we are!

Please know that although it feels like the whole world is going on as normal, there are many who's life is not the same because of you, Isaac and Asher. We have been blessed to know you through your story! I know that I'll never be just as I was before. My days have changed because of you and other's that are suffering as you are. I have been humbled because of you.

I understand what you mean when you say that you're not strong. But, for others thinking about what you are going through, they can't imagine staying as 'strong' as you appear to be. I know that the strength you do have is a gift from God. I will continue to pray for strength for you, peace for your aching heart and that you feel God's grace all around you. May God Bless You at this time and always!

Laurie said...

Kristy,

I just want you to know that I love you and grieve with you dear friend. My heart breaks for you and there are no words of comfort for this time. I am angry with you, not at God, but because this happened to you. Know that my prayers will not stop for you and bless Luke's understanding little heart. Children are so wise and I believe little Ben is dealing in his own way too. Praying for your body to recover and heal and for your broken hearts. God will carry you always Kristy, I know you know this.

Love and Healing Prayers,
Laurie in Ca.

Denise said...

My heart breaks for you and your family. I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel or how incomplete things must seem. I just wanted you to know, that I am praying for you and hoping you find the strength to go on! Your little Luke sounds like a great kid! I love how the innocence of children can just put things in perspective at times:) Every child is truly a miracle, no matter how long they are on this earth! Praying for you!!

Laurie said...

Kristy,

I also wanted to thank you from my heart for choosing life for Happy Asher, knowing the sacrifice you face now. This my sweet friend, is a strength that can only come from God.
Happy has blessed my life so much.

Love you, Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...

I sit here this afternoon writing to you as another mother, wife and child of God. Though we've not met face to face, I just wanted to let you know that I cried with you this afternoon. While I can't take away the pain you feel, I pray that somehow God will allow us to bear some of your burden also. Please know that my prayers are with you Kristy.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you and your family.

Pete, Alison and Charlie said...

There are no words to take away your pain just now, nor to ease the ache of your empty arms - I know, I've been there too. Take comfort in the knowledge that there are many, many people out here, us included, who are praying for you and your family, that you may have strength when you need it. We will continue to think of you and pray for you over the difficult days ahead. XXX

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Sweet Kristy,
No words, just prayers and tears for you. I am so sorry.
With love,
Kim

happy gram said...

"even before i held you in my arms, i held you in my heart. that is where you began and where you will always be." i found a greeting card with this message. i believe this about my living daughter, her angel baby and i think all angel babies. when you don't feel like praying, we are all praying for you. He understands. much love, jan

Anonymous said...

We are praying for you to have strength and comfort that only the Lord can give.

Suz
Missouri

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for God to bless you with the blanket of His comfort.

Kristen said...

Kristy, I've been reading your blog for the past few weeks, but I've never commented, and I just want to say that I'm so, so, sorry that your arms are empty. I can't imagine the horrible, awful pain of that, and my heart goes out to you.

I pray that God will bring you peace even in the valley.

Ginger said...

I do not believe I've posted before, but I have been following your blog for some time now. You and your family have been, and will remain, in my prayers.

mandy said...

Continuing to pray for your family.

He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3

Welcome! said...

I know you don't know me, but I was given a link to your blog by a friend of yours. My prayer reach out to you, and I cry with you. What I cannot say, I pray the Lord speaks to you in His grace.
Bonnie Alvarez

Cori said...

Praying for you as you walk through this valley. No more words...just prayers and tears along with you.

quilter-12 said...

It is ok to be angry. It is ok to be sad. It is ok to scream and ask why. Sometimes things happen for no reason. Give your heart time to heal.

It will.

Kelly said...

I don't know you except for through this heartwrenching story. I do want to tell you though how touching the comments of your four year old were to me. They really hit home. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Asher...so unfair to lose a life that grew inside of you. And to have the physical remnders of that loss. As you must know this will be the hardest time and the raw pain will pass. Words just dont even make sense, though, do they? May peace somehow lie in your soul under all the pain.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you...no words....just praying REALLY hard for God's mercy and love to wash over you. God bless you all...he's beautiful.
Trisha
San Diego, Ca

Laurie said...

Hi Kristy,

I am stopping by tonight to let you know that you have been in my prayers all day and I can't get you out of my mind. So I am praying that you are doing what you need to do right now, whatever this may be. My heart hurts so much for you and I wish I could take some of the hurt away and carry it for you. Know that I love you and I won't stop praying.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

Lannea said...

Kristy,
We are so sorry, There are no words that I can say to comfort you, but please know that we are praying for you Howard, Luke and Ben, for strength, healing and peace. Asher is such a beautiful baby. Even though, the world seems to go on, there are so many that are lifting you up in prayer. We are all blessed that you allow us to know you and Asher. Let us know if you need anything!
Love, Lannea, Eric & Norah

Zac and Jenny said...

Kristy-

Luke sounds like a great big brother... full of understanding and wiseness (is that a word?). I'm sure it was hard answering his questions but it sounds like you handled it with dignity, grace and compassion.

As always, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs -Jenny

Anonymous said...

There is nothing anyone can say to make this less painful...less real. We have never met, but I have cried for you and your family and will continue to mourn with you. This is just an unnatural feeling for a parent. This is not how it is supposed to be. My heart breaks for you. I will continue to pray for you all.
God Bless~
Kristen Ordille

Anonymous said...

I came across your blog as a link on someone else's and I was so touched by your story. I just wanted to say my heart is really hurting for you. I have no words of comfort to offer, only that I am praying for you and your family. May God hold you in His arm while you grieve the loss of your precious baby Happy.

Kari said...

I too have never met you or never knew your story until a few hours ago. I stumbled upon your blog from a link, and have been reading your story for the last two hours.

I pray that God will comfort you and your husband during this dificult time. I pray for God to wrap his loving hands around you, and hold you tight, and give you peace. I pray that you will feel his presence during this dificult time. I pray that God will fill the absence you are feeling. God bless you.

siscaboo said...

I remember those feeling. It is ok not to feel like rejoicing. It is ok to grieve and it is ok to have whatever feelings that you have at the moment.

Words they don't help as you say nor does the telling you that your baby is an angel. I used to get so angry at people when they said that. Or, how strong I was. I wasn't ready to see that and I don't think that I am ready to see that yet.

I am praying for your whole family as you face the days ahead. They are going to be hard. Support each other and love each other. That will get you through.

Anonymous said...

How I wish God said we would never walk through the valley of the shadow of death. He didn't. He did say He would walk with us through it. My prayers continue for you and your family at the loss of Asher and pray that God will work through this story and through you to be an encouragement to others.

Alicia said...

Kristy,
Praying for you and your family...
I am so sorry.

Destini said...

I know that there is nothing that I can say that is going to help your grieving process. I am praying for your family continually. I am so thankful that the Lord is in your life. Though you are in a valley right now, you have been promised victory.

Anonymous said...

thanks for sharing...
You have every right to be mad..sometimes you dont know who we should be mad at but that but we are just so sad it turnes too anger..i know it will get better but first it will get worst and than little by little day by day..just take your time you need to heal from in your heart..i wish we could be near you and help you go trough this grieving period..i was there and its still not gone away ..
you are in my heart.

Andrea said...

Praying God would overwhelm you with His comfort and strength.

Court said...

Just know that we are praying for you!

Michelle said...

Kristy,
First, thank you so much for being willing to share your heartache so honestly. Too many times, Christians feel they must behave a certain way- we don't want to let the world see how we really feel and think; we believe we must appear strong and faithful and we feel guilty when our strength is not what it "should" be; we want to say and do all the right things. I believe your openness will bless and comfort many who are struggling with heartaches of their own, although I know that brings you no comfort right now. Still, I thank you.

Christians can be the world's worst comforters at times. We rattle off our trite little Christian sayings and whip out our memorized verses- all with the best of intentions. In the process, we trample upon the brokenhearted. We leave our compassion behind as we try to reduce one's suffering down to a verse. Forgive us for being so inadequate. You're right- there are no words that can bring you comfort right now. Only the loving arms of God, wrapped around you, can do that. That is what I'm praying for you- that you will feel His arms around you each and every step of this long, difficult process of grieving for your beautiful baby boy and that each day, His strength will be perfect for you. Only He has the words to ease your pain, and I pray you will hear Him speaking directly into your heart today and that He will lift you up. I'm so sorry, Kristy- I truly am. Love, prayers, and hope to you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I will not try and pacify you with the typical words of condolenses. As a mother of three babies in heaven I was told by God to think Why Not Me, instead of why me. I love them and miss them everyday. I understand the miracle in each one. God knew that I would cherise the time that I had, like no other woman would. So that is why me and not someone else. God wanted you to be Isaac and Asher's mom and that is something one can ever take away. You ARE Iaasc and Asher's mom. And that anger that you feel inside is the passion that just proves to God he made the right decision. Bless you during this time and kiss your boys everyday, the ones here on earth and the ones watching over you. Can you imagine the baby belly laughs that are filling up Heaven right now? Melissa, Reedsville, WV txlissa@yahoo.com

My Pride and Joy said...

Kristy,
God Bless You. I can't even imagine the pain and heartache you are feeling. When I finally got the internet to check on you and your family and found that your precious son, Asher(by the way I love his name)was born and went home with Jesus. I too sat and cryed. I have not meet you in person but being a sister in Christ I wish I was there with you for hugs, prayer, and just to support in anyway God leads me. Thank you for sharing with us you beautiful sons!in your story. Your in my prayers. My heart is so sad for you and your family but relieved to know that "Happy" Asher is sitting with Our Wonderful Glorious Father.

Prayers in the Northwoods of WI
Kim

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that I love your honesty... so many people would just want the world to think that they are doing fine and you are so true to your pain and rightfully so- none of this seems fair and you have a constant reminder of what you are missing out on...I know Our prayers do not help to ease your pain and grief but I will continue to pray for Gods help in your journey :-)

Elisha - Alberta

ajc4ever said...

I feel so deeply for all of you. You have taken up residence in my heart and I am praying and praying for you, Howard, Luke and Ben. The picture of Howard and Asher is so beautiful. I just love those little fingers on his Daddy's hand.

Angela in central Ohio

Devin said...

Kristy,
Praying for you and your family thru this extremely difficult time. I am crying with you....it is so hard and I am so sorry that you are going thru this.
Devin in Illinois

Catherine said...

Someone linked me to your blog in the hope that I would have the "right" words based on my own experience. But there are no right words. I'm just so very sorry...and I know nothing can make the pain hurt less right now. Just know that there are people out here in the blogosphere who "get it" and are thinking of you and wishing you peace and healing.

Heather said...

I am crying with you and for you today. Thank you for sharing your heart. May it begin to heal quickly. We are lifting you and your family up in prayer.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful words! Our prayers are with your family. Melissa in KY

Michelle said...

I don't even know you but I want to give you the biggest hug ever. No words, just lots of hugs and prayers.

Sandy M. said...

Your feelings are so honest and normal. I am sorry for your grief. I can't imagine the depth of it. Not having your baby with you is such an unnatural state of being especially when your body so clearly shows you have given birth. May the strength and comfort only our Lord Jesus can give sustain as you walk this road. Praying for your sweet family.

Sandy
Plano, TX