Saturday, August 16, 2008

Frustration With Grief (random ramblings)

This post is likely to make no sense...I am in a rambling sort of mood today so bear with me!

I have had a really tough couple of days. It is crazy because I will feel like I am climbing steadily out of the deep valley I am in, having good days, having fun days where my boys are always in my mind, but I am able to think of them and smile, and then all of a sudden without warning it is like I am kicked forcefully back down to the bottom of the pit. Every thought about everything makes me cry. That is where I am right now. I have tried so hard to keep it together and today I am just not sure I can. There is no rhyme or reason to any of it!

I find myself angry. Angry because one of my best friends in the whole world had a baby this week, I have gone to visit them and held him and enjoyed being with them so much, but there is this little part of me the whole time that cannot help but wondering, and yearning. Watching them in the hospital made me wonder if I will ever be there again. There in a place where I am caring for an infant after giving birth knowing we will be going home in a few days to start a whole new life. Sitting in a hospital bed with so much to look forward to. Going home with a baby instead of a bag of things that touched him.

I am angry because I don't want these experiences to be marred by my grief. I want to be able to hold a friend's baby without that twinge of jealousy and that sickness in the pit of my stomach. I don't want to have to choke back tears just walking into the hospital. I want to be able to go and buy baby things without having a meltdown, but that is just not reality for me anymore and that frustrates me. A few of my friends have been wonderful knowing how hard this week has been on me, and just their acknowledging me still in my grief means so much.

I know that I need to be gentle with myself and Howard constantly reminds me that it is okay to have limits and respect them, but I just am frustrated with those limits. I am tired of hurting. I am learning to live with it, but it is like I have to make a conscious effort to simply breathe some days.

My friend (who just had the SUPER cute baby)Shelli's mom even called yesterday morning and left a message on my machine that meant more than she could ever know. She just acknowledged how hard going to the hospital must be for me and thanked me for being a good friend to Shelli. She cried and said she wished she could take away some of the pain and just the fact that in her joy of her new grandson she took the time to reach out to me meant the world. I am truly blessed. The thing is that though that phone call soothed my heart immensely I HATE the fact that it was necessary.

Yesterday Howard took Luke fishing and so after Ben's nap we went to see baby Michael at the hospital again. Just me and Ben. I was astounded when as we rode the elevator up he asked if we were going to see baby Asher. He remembered. I have been unsure of what he remembered if anything. He can point to a picture and say Asher's name, but he can do the same for Isaac and he never met him. It amazed me that walking onto the 5th floor brought that memory back for him just as it does for us. It made me feel good that he remembered, I wasn't alone.

We walked in together and had a great visit with the new family. Ben LOVED touching Michaels little toes and arms. He did great. I hope and pray that someday he will know what it is like to love on his own baby brother. Asher was born at Ben's naptime so shortly after meeting him Ben fell asleep. That is one of my biggest regrets. But, it was something I had NO control over.

Please continue to pray for my sweet friends as they go home from the hospital today a family of 3! It is sure to be exciting and exhausting for them as Shelli recovers from surgery. Pictures of them can be seen at Since my boys were each tiny, around 4 or 5 pounds (except for Ben who was 8lb 6 oz), holding baby Mikey or "baby Monkey" as Ben keeps saying was like holding a toddler for me! He is a BIG little guy! We love them all so much! They are the friends who loved and cared for Luke and Ben while we had Asher and we are so honored to have them as a part of our family and cannot wait to watch Michael grow!


Lissa Lane said...

Oh hun. The Pit is such a nasty place to be. I know that personally. I'm praying for you and sending you hugs as your try and crawl out of it.

I'm prayin for your friend and her new family also

Anonymous said...

I've been struggling with this A LOT as well. I don't really know how to get past it. It's mostly just with women I know who are pregnant with girls (since I lost a girl).

For some reason, I can't even bring up that they're expecting, ask them about their pregnancy, etc. I DEFINITELY would not be able to visit them in the hospital.

I have been asking God to reveal to me what the barrier is (jealousy, just plain grief, etc.) and help me through it.

I've wondered so often if I should just rejoice with those who are rejoicing out of discipline and wait for the emotions to someday catch up. I just feel like a big fake, and have that pit in my stomach like you mentioned.

Thanks for the honesty. I totally relate.

Anonymous said...

Still praying. (((HUGS)))

Unknown said...

I am in the same place. You have much more courage than I do. There is no way I would be able to go see a new baby. God has given me so much peace yet there is this huge ache in my heart. Your in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for all your prayers. We are all doing well. It really meant a lot to us that you were all there for us, more than you'll ever know. I know it wasn't easy for you, I could see it in your eyes the other day. It was breaking my heart because I don't know what to do to make it better. You and your family mean so much to us and I thank God everyday for blessing us with such wonderful friends. Thank you for all the advise (you know I'll have a lot more questions along the way) and for always being there for us. All I can say is THANK YOU. You guys are the best!!
Love always, Shelli

Erin said...

Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. It is still hard to see new babies even when you are happy for the family that is welcoming them.

Tiffany said...

You are such an inspiration. I pray for you guys constantly and as I have said before, reading your blog helps me understand more clearly what my sister-in-law is going through since the loss of Kinsie. I look at my son, who will be 2 and I can't help but, think of Kinsie and how she would be 2 in December. It just doesn't seem fair. And, as my husband and I prepare to bring another life in this world, my heart just goes out to my sister-in-law and aches for her. I just can't imagine. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this but, I think you're amazing for handling these kind of situations so gracefully!

Stay strong Kristy!