Plunged into the Valley

I want to be able to write that I am at peace today. I want to say that I submit and accept God's good plan for my life. I want to affirm that my suffering will lead to giving God the glory he deserves.

I want to be able to do all of those things, but today, I cannot. This morning as I woke up I realized that my body was incredibly broken. My abdomen throbbing in pain from having Asher taken from me. As what seems like a cruel reminder of what could have been, my milk has come in and is causing incredible discomfort. With Isaac since I had already been pumping for him, I continued to do so and donated the milk to a Milk Bank for babies who needed it and allowed my body to gradually adjust to the change. I cannot bring myself to do that this time as I did not even have the opportunity to offer it to my own son.

Benjamin is unbearably clingy and just wants to be held and loved, yet I cannot lift him for an entire month. I am desperate to do something normal yet my physical discomfort prevents me from my daily "psycho cleaning" therapy. It all seems so cruel to me today.

Last night it dawned on Luke that Asher did not come home. He had some questions and we answered honestly and openly. He was wonderful. He cried yet understood at a level I never imagined. As a true child his first question was, "Well, what about those toys people got for Asher, he can't have them. Who should have those?" He had his eye on this little lamb that played "Jesus Loves Me." I told him I thought Asher would want him to have that one to keep in his room if he wanted it. He said he would ask him when he prayed that night. :-) That made me smile.

This morning as I was crying, Luke came to me and asked if I was missing Asher. I told him I was. He continued to comfort me and bring me a tissue. He said, "Well, Mom it is okay to miss him, but you know he is still with us in our hearts." What wisdom coming from a four year old. It did my heart good to see how much Luke truly understood.

It seems so strange to me that as I sit here, my world seemingly paused in grief that the rest of the world is going on as usual without Asher. It is as though I feel that the entire world should stop turning because mine has. I should be sitting here exhausted from being up all night nursing my son and insted I sit here exhausted from grief and physical pain.

We have gotten many messages of love and support and yet no words comfort me. I don't want to be told how strong I am or that I have "an angel". I know that Asher is with God, not an angel, but with God and I am so thankful that if I cannot be with my him, God is and I know that He is the only one who could love him the way I do.

It is weird, I do feel angry but not really with God. I don't believe this is from God. I believe that these circumstances and this suffering is just a consequence of living in a fallen world. There is suffering all around us. Defective genes are a product of living in a fallen world. That said, I also believe that God did choose us to be Asher's parents. I believe he was an amazing gift and he truly did bring "Happyness" to everyone. I miss him though, I miss being pregnant with him and feeling him move. He brought so much love to this earth and I just long to snuggle him one last time.

So, we are okay and we know God will hold on to us through all of this but we also need to grieve and grieving is exhausting hard work. That is where we are at right now. We are deep in a valley, but we know that God promises we won't be here forever. Though we will always miss our sons in Heaven, a day will come when I don't cry the larger part of the day, but that day is not today and likely won't be tomorrow.