Sunday, June 22, 2008

Four months already??

Well I must say that today was the crash after the high. We had such a great week and were able to really relax, but things have taken a bit of a turn as they often do. Last night we spent the night in a hotel and were so looking forward to getting some good sleep, but Ben has come down with a cold and he was up ALL night!

We finished the drive home and I sit here tonight full of emotion as I am uploading pictures to the computer. I am so very thankful that we were able to take the time and just be together at the beach, but as I look at my pictures two very important members of my family are missing. Instead of four Bolte feet there should be six! Instead of two little boys playing in the surf there should be four. I say should, but I know with God in control there is no "should". Everything is working according to His plan. Sometimes I just wonder why His plan has to hurt so much.

Today marks four months from the day I held Asher in my arms and shared him with the world. I miss him so much. I find myself wondering what it would be like to have a four month old. Would we have gone to the beach this year? I am glad we did, but I would have given anything to stay home with Asher. It is like I am always being stabbed with this double edged sword.

A beach vacation with a less than beach ready body was difficult too. Asher being my fourth baby has done quite a bit of damage to my figure. Someone today actually asked if I were pregnant again! Talk about a downer. Not that I would not love to be pregnant, but that I had a baby four months ago and still look like I am pregnant. For some reason I am having a REALLY tough time getting this weight off. I try and try and try, but some days are really hard and I do tend to emotionally eat, and I also have great intentions of exercising and yet I always feel exhausted. (for the record I do not need to seek professional help. I am okay, just whining :-))

This grief thing is tough work. I AM working through it and I do see God so clearly keeping his hand on our family through each and every twist and turn. I will continue to follow Him and be obedient even though I am not crazy about his plan sometime.

As I stated before today is four months since Asher joined his big brother in Heaven. We are coming off of a vacation high and it is probably not a great combination. Tomorrow Howard wants to go and take care of cemetery things. Ordering the tombstone, and getting some flowers planted for Isaac and for Asher. I have not been to the cemetery since we buried Asher. I know it sounds weird, and I am not even sure why. I can't put my finger on it but I just have no desire to go and stand in front of two of my children's graves and try to wrap my mind around the reality and finality of it. I am content to stay in my safe home and just rest in knowing that this is not the end.

Ordering the tombstone was the TOUGHEST thing for me with Isaac. It seems so out of the order of things to walk around an establishment gazing at granite and fonts and designs trying to pick out something that depicts the life of your child (in a way you can afford). It crushes me that try as I might I will NEVER be able to pick something that I know Asher would have loved. I never got to know my boy. I am not sure if he would have loved tractors and things on wheels like Luke or if he would have loved balls and animals like Benjamin. It is on my list of things to ask him when I get to Heaven but until then I will never know. As a mom that is a tough thing to swallow. We want to know our children's' ins and outs. We know each and every quirk and like and dislike. I long to know Isaac and Asher. I long to hold them one more time. How can four months seem like yesterday and yet like an eternity ago?

How strange it is that though I miss them both more than my words could ever express I would NEVER wish them back. I know that the place they now reside is far more glorious than anything I can imagine. I know that they are playing at the feet of Jesus Himself and they will never know pain, disappointment or heartache. For that I am thankful. I would never want to take that away from them. Heaven is the ultimate goal and they beat us to it. I do wish things could have been different in some ways, my heart aches for them each moment of each day and yet I would not take them away from the joy they are experiencing now.

Please pray for me as we embark on the next step in this journey. I know that though this makes it all seem too final, that this is truly not the end, I do not understand God's plan but I will continue to submit and pray for his will in my life and in the lives of each of my family members. He is in control, he is on his throne and he is never changing and that is the only thing that allows me to pick my head up off of the pillow in the morning and continue breathing. I know he has a greater purpose for all of us and I cannot wait to see what it is!

Happy four month birthday sweet Asher Bolte. You have brought such joy to your mom and dad. We are so very proud of you son. You have continued to bring people closer to the Lord and we cannot imagine a more important job for such a little guy! Please kiss Isaac for us. Your brothers down here miss you both. They speak about you ALL the time. What a glorious day it will be when all of us are united. We love you both so very much! We will continue to share your lives with everyone who will listen and we will continue to be a voice for you as you have been two of life's greatest surprises. Children TRULY are a gift from the Lord. You are both immense blessings to our family!


Corie said...

Praying for you. I get it!!

Anxious AF said...

What beautiful pictures. Im so glad you had such a great time away, and on the beach.
Thinking of you tonight, on such an important day.

Kenzie said...


Praying for you sweet friend... I know today is so hard, and yet, I don't. I love you and am so thankful that we get to all meet face to face in just a few short days. Praying for such joy and healing as we sit with each other and the Lord.

Love you and your sweet Asher!

Erin said...

Happy 4 month birthday Asher! It is very hard to have to pick out a gravestone for your child. It just feels like something you shouldn't have to be doing. As hard as it was I was glad to have it finally put in because it was something tangible that the world could see so that others could know that our little Isaac was a real person. Keeping you in my prayers. When do you go visit with the other moms?

Bobbie said...

Praying for you.

I understand.

Anonymous said...

Dear Kristy,
So glad you go to go!

I know how you feel about the post-baby body. My sister-in-law is 8 months preg and I look more preg than she does. Not only was this your fourth preg, it was also highly stressful, and the body processes stress differently. Rejoice in your post-preg body that carried 4 beautiful boys!!
Praying for you today! Love, MELANIE

Denise said...

Praying for you today.

Christa said...

Thank you. I needed to read what you wrote. I just blogged about what I thought was a terrible day, and yet I realized just now what a wonderful gift even the WORST days are.

God is working through you, and He is blessing so many through you and your blog.

Happy 4 month birthday sweet Asher! I am crying with you today. Thank you for your words.

Laurie in Ca. said...

Hi Kristy,

Praying for you on this Monday morning and thinking about Asher (Happy) on this four month mark. As I have told the other girls you will be with in Atlanta, I am praying for big things to happen when you get together. Healing for all of you to meet face to face and share your sweet babies with each other through tears and laughter. God has great plans for this sisterhood you have formed through His gifts. Praying for you sweet friend.

Laurie in Ca.

Jesse said...

I cannot imagine all you are working through, but I'm sure you are working through it, slowly but surely. Take all the time you need- God has no schedule or agenda.

Hey, and just for the record, chocolate does wonders...if only for a smile. =)

Praying for you in Houston, TX.

Hannah said...

I have only been to the graveyard once since we buried Tabitha. And we haven't even really talked about her grave marker yet, let alone gone to pick one out. I know we need to give her that permanent memorial, but I am not ready to face it yet. Soon, but not yet...
Praying for you,

mrsrubly said...

o my heart aches for you. as i sit here tonight, reading your post, i am crying. crying b/c it's like i want to reach out and give you a hug and tell i am here for you. i have a huge shoulder for a mother who just misses her babies in an unspeakable way. and i want to do something. i am just so sorry. i have this wild little dandilion right in my front yard. i open up the front door and there it is. bright yellow, small, with the yellow leaves as open as they can be. my first thought is Asher. i see patches of dandilions on my drive down the road and Asher is what i think about. your babies have made a difference in my life and made me stop and look for the dandilions in life. your boys are just so handsome and i very happy that ya'll got to go and get away. though i may not know the walk that your walking, i will carry your stretcher if you need just need to talk. bonny in TX

Jacque Dixon said...

Thank you for posting this heartache. I am so sorry you must walk this path, though I know you are seeking God and finding him in it. No one expects to live without their children.
Your blog and your mommy words are a blessing and a reminder of how precious life is and how thankful we must be for our children. They are such a precious gift.

blessings to you. I hope all is alright with you and your little boys now, as there has not been an update recently.

My prayers are with you.
Love in Him~
Jacque Dixon