Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Packing things away...

It has been a difficult morning. More difficult than I had anticipated. Of all household tasks, putting clothes away is the one I loathe, and to be honest it is the one I am more likely to let slide. Some weeks we live out of laundry baskets.

Today I decided my task would be to tackle Benjamin's closet. All of our closets need sifted through to weed out what doesn't fit and since it is June I figured we could put away sweaters and winter apparel. Since we are headed to the beach in less than two weeks I figured I should find the summer clothes to take along.

Packing baby clothes is always kind of tough for me but up until now, I always packed them away with the knowledge I would be getting them back out before long. Today as I packed, I am not sure that I WILL ever get them back out aside from putting them in a yard sale. I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach just typing those words. I am not ready to be done yet. I wanted Asher to wear all of the clothes Luke and Ben have worn. I wanted to dig through baby clothes again remembering all of the memories that each little outfit brings.

I have finished Ben's closet. I have neatly packed away each and every outgrown article of clothing. I sit here with a heavy heart not knowing what the future holds for our family. We desperately want another child, not to replace those who are not with us, but to add to our joy. I just cannot imagine not having another child. I cannot imagine never feeling a baby kick within my womb, I cannot imagine never looking into my child's eyes as I nurse them, I cannot imagine never introducing a new sibling to my boys again.

Though putting those clothes away may not seem to be a big deal to many, it brought up so many feelings for me. Feelings of loss and feelings of love. I am still mourning the loss of my hopes and dreams for Asher and for Isaac for that matter. I do know that God is in fact in control and I do know that he will do what is best for us, but right now nothing feels right. It doesn't feel right to only be able to hold half of my children. It doesn't feel right to hurt so much.

All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.Psalm 38:8-10

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.Proverbs 13:11-13


Yvette said...

Oh Kristy I feel you pain. We went through rubbermaid boxes in our garage 2 weeks ago and started taking the "for sure to keep" stuff to a storage unit and the "not sure, can't part with yet" are still in the garage. What do you think is in the garage??? Yes, boxes of Tayden's baby clothes, Tayden/Tristan's bassinet, Tayden's swing, Tayden's crib bedding and all the other baby stuff that was put aside believing our next baby (Tristan) would use them. I can't part with them yet, to me it would mean there will not be any more babies in our home and that breaks my heart. All I want is a house full of loud kids. I want that for me and especially for Tanner. All he wants to know is why we can't have "a bunch of kids like my friends because it'd be so much funny mommy". Oh how I long to give him that. Praying for you today as you pack stuff.

Love, Yvette

Anonymous said...

I hate being stuck in 'limbo-land'. I have given most all of our baby clothes to close friends who have just had babies, but the big stuff (ie., the swing, the bouncy seat, etc.) is sitting in the basement taunting me . . . the uncertainty is completely unbearable - will we or won't we? Should we? They are questions that I desperately want the answers to - now. My downfall this week was the bibs, receiving blankets, and burp clothes that were cluttering up Maren's dresser . . . I have put them in with the stuff I plan on taking to Goodwill, but can't bear to load it in the car. Big hugs to you today - I understand.

Devin said...

Oh Kristy, I just hurt for you as I read this post. It hits so close to home for me I was doing the exact same thing this week. I should be taking all of the baby clothes out right now, getting ready for our next little guy....and instead I was going thru them, deciding what to rummage and what to hold on to "just in case." I kept the swing...the bouncy seat....the bassinet...and many clothes too. I just can't part with that stuff yet. Maternity clothing is the same way. I should be wearing that stuff right now, you know? I know you know. It's so hard, I feel like I am living in pause mode. Will we get to have another, or not? It is just difficult. So difficult. Enough rambling....anyway, I am continuing to pray for you. God will show you the right path. He will make the way clear.

The VW's said...

This feeling is definately "a big deal!" My heart aches for you when I read this post! I felt a similiar way putting away our baby things and I haven't even lost a child. So, please know that I'll be praying for your heavy heart. Keep lifting these feelings and uncertainties up to the Lord! I pray that you will find comfort and answers there! God Bless You!

Kristen said...

I feel that way when I put away baby clothes and I haven't even lost a baby, so I can totally imagine why you feel that way! (hugs)

Anonymous said...

I am sorry that you had to go through those things with a heavy heart and not with the joy of knowing soon Asher will be wearing them.


Anonymous said...

I am sorry about today. I always feel said about putting away the kid's seasonal clothes, I thikn about how Theo wore this shirt for his pictures in the fall but is now to small for him. He will be ten next month and it seems just yesterday he was two and playing in the dirt with his bulldozer.
I was wondering if you and Howard went anywhere last weekend? Did you check into the Riverside Inn?
I love the pictures. That is the way little boys should be smiling.
Have a good day. Amy K.

Suzie said...

Dearest Kristy,

Unfortunately, I know your pain... It was one of the hardest things I have had to face, getting rid of all the things. At first I wanted to keep EVERYTHING, but Ron could not bear to see it. So I got him to agree that I could keep the most dear things to me, that were ment for Cooper and Cooper alone. Not for our next baby. So we did get rid of everything except a rubbermaid container full of Coop's things. I see the tub everyday. I havent opened it in awhile, knowing what is inside, I just can't do it right now.

I pray that someday soon, you and Howard will be able to add to your most wonderful family. You have 4 of the most precious boy I have ever seen. ((Cooper would be the 5th of course :o) )) I believe that you will be blessed with more children, one way or another. You are an amazing person, and one that I am honored to call my friend. Like you always tell me, all of these feeling are normal, for us. Maybe not to others, but to us, yes. You are not alone my dear friend. I am here for you, praying for you during this difficult time.


Corie said...

My tears are flowing as I read your post. My heart aches as I think of the same feeling. I am sorry this hurts so much. I can't even face this yet. I look at all "his clothes" bins and I can't even bare to open them. Putting the other boys clothes away hurts also. Praying for you Kristy.

Kirst said...

It's hard enough putting away the baby clothes and stuff, but to have experienced what you and Howard have gone through makes it so much harder. Praying still.