Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Q & A

Yesterday this question was posted here and I just wanted to take the time to give an answer. (Thank you for asking and if anyone else ever has any questions please feel free to ask.)

Kristy, One thing I wonder... why do you so "desperately" want another child? will you be happier with 3 children instead of 2 here with you? I ask that because I struggle with the same question, and wonder what you think about it. I have been told not to make a decision either way until at least a year (its been 5 months since we lost our child). I want more children too...but I also wonder why I think I will be happier with more than what I have... I feel like we're "tempting" God a bit or being stubborn if we keep trying...

First let me say I am very sorry for your loss. It is so hard to decide where to go from here, it has only been three months for us and I have no clue where God is leading...if ever you want to have a private discussion about the topic my email is at the side of the blog.

This is a tough question, and when people find out we are considering having more children they are usually completely stunned and think we are out of our minds. I will do the best I can, again thanks for asking! Howard and I have always felt that having a big family was something we were called to do. You bring up such a good point when you ask "will we be any happier". I guess all I can say to that is that each child we have had has brought more happiness to our lives than we would have felt otherwise so I guess I do believe more children would bring more happiness. That said, I do have two healthy children at home and am so blessed and thankful that God has given them to us. I completely get your "tempting God" thought if you keep trying. I guess I just figure that I really have a deep longing within me to have more children. I am not sure what that will look like just yet. I would love to be pregnant again, but I continue to be in prayer on that issue. I know that God will lead us in the right direction so right now I am just praying and waiting for Him to answer in whatever way He chooses. I believe all babies are gifts from God and that God makes no mistakes so right now I believe if he blesses us with another child whether the child has microcephaly or not that he will also get us through whatever storms that may bring. I am certainly not ready for that yet, but when the time comes I will follow wherever God leads.

I hope all of that makes a little sense. I do understand your concern, I am not by any means thinking that the ONLY way I can be happy is to have more babies nor do I think that having more children could ever make up for what has been lost. I also know that there is more than one way to have a baby and we are exploring all options. If in fact God only intended for us to raise Luke and Ben then I will accept that. Right now I feel he is calling me in another direction. We will see. All I can do is Be stll and wait for him to lead in the right direction.


Mrs. MK said...

What an honest post. Thank you.

Christa said...

I was thinking about this the other day, and how does ANYONE know when to have another baby. There is the chance that something could go wrong with *every* pregnancy, and *every* baby.

I know I was ready to be done after my 5th loss (and this is not to be compared to the loss of an infant), but I am SO glad I listened to what God was saying to me, and while triplets were not anywhere on my radar, God knew what he was doing.

God blesses us when we obey him, and EVERY child is a blessing from HIM, no matter the length of his or her life.

Sometimes I feel that to take matters into our own hands (as I did after my c-section) is like telling God, "I can't handle anymore blessings....please don't bless me anymore."

I don't think this is a matter of wanting more children to feel "whole", I think it's a matter of serving a higher purpose, being God's vessel. I like to think that we as mother's are not having children for ourselves, but that we are worshiping God through raising our children to serve Him.....even if it's for 35 minutes.

I can't claim to know the mind of fact I have a few questions to ask Him someday (though I know the moment I enter Heaven's gates, I won't care about these questions anymore), and I don't know where I am going with my thoughts this morning. Anyway, I had something profound to say...but mommy brain took it away.

I think that if you are being called to have another baby, you should have another baby. God is Good no matter what.

Jamie {See Jamie blog} said...

Thanks for sharing all this so openly and honestly. I also wanted to tell you that I love the photos of your family and your header photo of your sweet boy. It looks like you used a Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer, and I'm so glad; I hope having those precious photos was a real comfort and blessing for you and your family. I am a NILMDTS photographer, and there are still so many people who just have never heard of NILMDTS, but I know it really can be a wonderful blessing.

God bless you!

Tiffany said...

Could not have been said any better!

Trudy said...

I think it's beautiful that you want a large family. It is not whether it will make us happier. We are serving God by doing His will. You and your husband have been partners with God to create four little souls that will live on for eternity. Isaac and Asher were created for Him. If you have another baby that should die that doesn't mean you should have stopped before conceiving - it means you have another soul in Heaven bringing glory to God.

Its important to think with a heavenly understanding. What is our true purpose? get to Heaven and love God. You have two souls that have already reached their full purpose.

Anonymous said...

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I've started to comment a few different times but been interrupted. I finally have a few minutes to actually THINK, so here goes:

I really think that "having another baby" is one of those concepts that you just think of differently when you either know you're not going to be able to have another baby, or are not sure about being able to have another baby, or are not sure about being able to have a healthy baby.

I know that when Jonathan and I got married, I was very flippant about the idea of having kids. I wanted children - as many as I can have - but it was just a vague, abstract sort of desire. But when we found out that Jonathan had testicular cancer and we might not have kids or it might be a while, my feelings about it changed. I felt like something important had been taken away from me, and it was very upsetting.

When - right in the midst of the cancer struggle - I found out I was pregnant with Quinn, I was so thankful, and then it seemed like the storm had passed and everything would be fine. But one of the surgeries that Jonathan had (to check his lymph nodes) has a very high risk of causing infertility in men. Now it looks like Quinn will probably be the only child that we can have (and we will not consider in-vitro)... and I struggle with sometimes wondering if wanting another child is just kind of a selfish personal desire. (Although I do believe that God created women to want to have children, and to care for children - even though there are many times that things get in the way of that.)

Quinn is MORE than enough of a blessing. He's more fantastic than we ever could have imagined. But (and here's my point, haha) I do think that having another child would add to our happiness, because it would mean another fantastic blessing. It's not that we're missing out on happiness now, or that it would be BETTER to have more children; I think it would be different, in a progessive growth kind of way. I don't think I'm explaining it well....


We have 8 children and I would love to have more. It is not up to me but, God. People say we are crazy etc. But I need to follow HIM not the world. I pray all the time that my children will serve him. I'm positive that through the passing of your little ones someone has OR WILL get saved. If not now, maybe in 5, 10, 15+ years. They were here for a reason a reason we just do not know, only God.
Love, Margarete

meela said...

Thank you for this Kristy.