Monday, June 23, 2008

Here I sit...

As I stated before the boys and I caught a cold at the tail end of vacation so I have been feeling kind of crummy anyway, but this morning, has proven to be especially tough. Howard just left with the boys to go buy flowers and mulch for the cemetary. I could not even bring myself to go. I am so confused. I had been doing so well, we had a great week and now like a ton of bricks I have dropped back into reality.

I sit here because today is one of those days that I cannot even seem to get it together long enough to enter into the world where everyone else lives. These days are seeming to come a little farther apart but they are still there. I sit here and look at the faces of my precious boys in photographs and am stunned that two of them are not with me. I know it is real, but sometimes the memory seems more like a dream than something that really happened. Sometimes I wonder how I am even able to sit here and breathe in and out with the depth of the pain in my heart.

I know the only thing pulling me through is God. He has kept his hand upon us as promised and he continues to give us enough grace to get through each and every day. I am completely unworthy yet eternally grateful. I know that I will make it through this day. Days like this are tough and many tears are shed, but I know that God grieves with me and will hold me up and carry me when I cannot go on. He will bring the appropriate people to carry my mat just as he did the paralytic in the book of Luke.

This morning while I was getting breakfast for the boys here is a conversation that took place:

Luke: Mommy, what if God gives us another baby sometime soon?

Ben (aka Luke's parrot): God...Baby?

Mom: I think we will be thankful for any babies God gives us, what do you think Luke?

Ben: Kank you God (translates to thank you God)

Luke: I think he is going to let us keep the next one here at home.


Mom: I hope so Luke, but we must remember God knows what is best even when it makes us sad. He will take care of us.


Luke: Yes, mom I know! He always takes care of us but he knows I REALLY want another brother or even a sister and I think he is going to give me one.

Mom: You might be right Luke, God knows what we want and he wants us to tell him and pray to him for the things we want in our hearts.

Ben: Pray!!??? (reaching out his hand) Kank you God for ceweal! (cereal)

Luke: It is going to be great someday in Heaven with ALL of my brothers!

Mom: Yes it is Luke!

Luke: I can't wait to have a PJ party with them!


Mom: Me either...

It is conversations like this that remind me of how my boys have been touched so deeply by Isaac and Asher. While Ben still is processing, Luke is so wise in so many ways. He has such an understanding of life, love and death. I pray that he grows up and has compassion and understanding for those who are hurting because he knows what it is to hurt and long for something.

It is just good to know that Isaac and Asher pop into Luke's head at random times. He has not forgotten and he is never afraid to talk of them with me. I truly believe this is just another example of God's grace shining down on us through Luke and Ben.

Ben also was reminded of Asher this morning. He went to a shelf near the door and went to pick up a picture that he often does and he kissed Asher's sweet little face and said "baby bwoter". I said yes Ben it sure is...and as he went to reach for me to kiss it he dropped it. It didn't break but the frame fell apart. Ben looked at my face knowing he had dropped something important. My initial reaction was to pick it up and put it way up so he could no longer reach it but in that moment I was able to reflect and realize how great it is that Ben wanted to give his baby brother a kiss and that he had access to pictures of him so he too could remember. I assured him that it was okay and I decided just to switch the frame to something less fragile so he could still pick it up and carry it around when he wanted to.

I do believe that there is healing that is taking place within this home, yet I know that we still have a long way to go. We are broken, but we are broken together and that is a beautiful thing really. I pray that God uses our brokenness as a family for his glory.

As for the cemetery, I am just not sure. When Howard gets back with the supplies I am not sure I will even be able to go along and I am certain we will not be ordering the tombstone today. I want in on that and yet I am just not ready. I do not want to push myself because it is an important thing and I want to be in the right frame of mind. So I guess we will take baby steps and I thank God for an understanding husband!


Story of our Life said...

((HUGS)) It is all I can offer to you this morning. There are no magical words or actions or anything of that matter that can take away the pain and hurt and sorrow that you are going threw.

I am constantly remdinded the Footprints in the Sand poem. Because when I think that I can no longer go on I see that the Lord can/is/will be carrying me.

Take Care of You!! The best that you can! One step, one day at a time my dear. it is all one can ask for this

Love in Him,

The VW's said...

What a blessing ALL your boys are! What a smart little guy Luke is?! It amazes me how perceptive and thoughtful he is!

I'm so glad that your family had such a wonderful vacation and that you were able to get away and have some fun! I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time as you come home to reality! I can only imagine how difficult it must be! Know that you are prayed for and thought of often! May God give you the peace and strength to endure each and every day! God Bless You!

Our beautiful mess... said...

I wish I could be there to keep you company and cry with you! Know that you are loved and lifted up today!

Alicia said...

(((Kristy))) continuing to lift you all up in prayer.....

So thankful you got to have a great vacation!

Anxious AF said...

What sweet boys you have!
Again Im so glad you all had such a great vacation, and I hope you will continue to find little bits of peace at home, and that the peace stays a grows for longer periods.
Take your time with the cemetary.

Wendy said...

praying for you today and always! :-)

Shelly said...

I know exactly how you felt when you were talking about coming off of a vacation high, coming back to real life. However, I have no idea how you must feel losing two of your precious babies. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Corie said...

So many hard things and even harder to prepare for. Remember that God doesn't want us to "prepare" for these things. Its at these times that we cling to him even more. Although it sometimes doesn't feel that way. I am sure you know all of this and me saying it doesn't make it better or easier. I want you to know that the times that you feel like your are falling apart and you had been so strong...well someone in Colorado is doing the same thing. Life is a roller coaster my friend. Praying for you each step of the way. We are weak, yet He is strong!!!

So Blessed said...

With love and you remember your boys and continue on this grief journey. God is with you every step of the way...and so are the prayers of many who care about you.

Anonymous said...

I think that the way you handled the broken picture frame speaks volumes. Your going to make it.

Anonymous said...

I know you have already done this before, but in case it is reassuring to you - it took me eight months to order the tombstone. And the man at the memorial company told my husband and I that the average is something like six months. So it is not just you - this is something that is hard for a lot of people, something that a lot of people have a hard time getting "ready" to do. I think the pressure we put on ourselves to get it "just right", combined with feeling like it is one of the last concrete things we will get to do to parent our child are all part of why we want to put this off. But there are no rules about when this has to be done. You can take your time. Asher doesn't care - you have memorialized him in so many other beautiful, significant ways each and every day.

TheOilHippie said...

What sweet boys!!!!!

Tiffany said...

Your family is such an encouragement to me!