Monday, June 9, 2008

Innocence Lost

It is a strange thing living through the loss of a child. Never again is life the same. The only way I can describe it is a total loss of innocence. Nothing is taken for granted any more. When we were expecting Luke and Isaac, we never had a doubt in our mind that the pregnancy would end and we would have a happy healthy baby at home. That was what happened, the natural order of things, you get pregnant you have a baby. But once that boat has been rocked, nothing in life can ever be viewed the same way.

There are NO guarantees in this lifetime aside for the guarantee that God will walk with us and help us along the way. The thought that I ever thought I could micromanage my life and plan everything seems so humorous to me now. I imagine God laughed each time I tried knowing my efforts would be futile.

I see the world so differently now. It makes it hard to live in a world where you are constantly confronted with difficult circumstances and loss. I have no idea how people live day to day without the knowledge that God is sovereign and ever present. Our world and lives change each and every day but our God remains the same. That is the only thing that is constant, the only thing that keeps me sane.

The pain I live with every day is so real and so excruciating at times, and yet it has helped me to live more in the moment. Not to get angry about what life has thrown my way, but to search through it for what God is calling me to do. God never once promised that this life would be easy, in fact it kind of works the opposite. Life is hard, it is really tough sometimes and quite frankly I often wonder what on earth God is doing, but as I watched my boys sitting together this morning watching cartoons arm in arm I realized that though I live with an unbearable pain I am also immensely blessed. I will never again take for granted one moment with these gifts God has entrusted to me. Life with young children is difficult, but I would not change it for the world. Getting angry and bitter will not change reality. I would do ANYTHING to have all of my boys with me, throughout my pregnancy I prayed and prayed that God would allow us to raise Asher even if that meant that he would have special needs. I could handle that. I would cherish every moment of caring for him no matter what, it might be tough, but I would still have him with me. My life would undoubtedly be crazy and overwhelming at times but this hole in my heart would not be there.

Losing a child makes other things seem so unimportant. I see people all around me stressing about little things and it makes me want to just shake them and make them realize what they are missing out on by stressing. We get so caught up in our own discomfort that we forget to realize that this life is not about us or about our comfort, in fact it is that stepping outside of your comfort zone and following God blindly that strengthens your faith.

I will never again know a pregnancy without thoughts of loss. In fact when I see other pregnant women and I see their naivety I often think, if you only knew, but would never take that innocence from them. It is a beautiful thing, naivety. Something I can never regain, but I feel that I do live my life with ha different kind of passion these days and for that I am so grateful. Isaac and Asher are changing hearts and futures, especially mine and I am one proud mama!

I desperately want to have another baby and honestly I do feel that when I pray about what to do next that God is leading my heart in the direction of getting back on the saddle. I am just not ready, not quite yet. Many have suggested adoption to us, and it is something we have always said we would love to do, but financially right now it is just not a reality. Someday, until then I will continue to seek God's will for our lives and for our family! We just need to remember that God is not interested in our comfort, he is interested in our hearts and forming them to what He wants them to be.


sumi said...

I hear you on the innocence lost thing. I am in this ambivalent place of trusting in the goodness of God yet wondering if he has something else up his sleeve? Is this it, or might another tragedy strike?

I know he will carry me. I know he is going to make all things beautiful in its time. I see much beauty already.

Yet I don't take for granted anymore that life will always be a smooth road...

On the other hand I read all about restoration in the bible and I will hopefully blog about it soon. God does restore, above and beyond what was lost.

I am praying for you as you seek the next step. I know it will be good.

andreawilliams said...

I wanted to let you know that you guys are still in our thoughts and prayers.
Much love to you all.
Blessings, Andrea

Christa said...

(((Kristy))) Reading and praying. I have no words, but I am praying. :)

Mrs. MK said...

I am with you on this. I watch my two sisters-in-law, who both struggled with infertility, now being blessed by children (one's expecting triplets!!) and have this irrational fear that they are going to lose their babies. Like you said, we are used to thinking that pregnancy=baby to hold......but so often, the equation is not set up that way. I just pray that everything is OK for them......

My prayers are with you....

Unknown said...

My name is Dani and I came across your blog through Angie Smith's. I started from the beginning of your story and haven't quite finished it yet. :) But I thought I would go ahead and comment ya. I just want to say that I am praying for you. I can't imagine what you are going through. I am not going to pretend that I do or that I have these wise words to tell you. I do however have prayer.

We have had a pastor "filling" in at my church for a few weeks until our new pastor is here and one Sun. Morning he preached on a subject similar to this and he too had been through a tragedy and he said that sometimes he didn't want anther person to tell him that everything was going to be okay or act like they knew how he felt. But rather him and his family just wanted someone to be there. That people just simply needed to be there. Not talk or offer advice. Just be there. So I want you to know that I am here. I will read your blogs and I will comment and tell you that I am praying for you and will be here. I will give you encouragement at times I see you need it. I will hurt with you and feel pain with you because that is what I believe God is calling me to do. I feel I am to minister to the the hurting. I want to share parts of other peoples burden's in a effort to help their "load" to be lighter. I just want you to know that.


The VW's said...

Your words always speak volumes to my heart. It's amazing how, someone going through what you have gone through, is often the one helping others. God has prepared you for a wonderful purpose.

I can relate when you talk about how it's so hard for you to see others stressing about the little things in life. When you are faced with something really difficult, 'normal life' just doesn't seem that stressful does it?! But, unless you've walked a road filled with true pain, it's impossible to see the difference. I agree that you need to keep those who are innocent, just that, innocent. Besides, nothing you say would make them understand fully anyway. I say this as if I can totally understand your pain, which I can not! I don't mean to even try. But, I can relate to what you write about in some ways. Even though I have not lost a child to death, raising a child with special needs; who is unlikely to ever talk or walk, evokes some similiar feelings you have talked about. It is such a struggle knowing that your child will probably never do what all the other children you see are doing. It's a loss of innocence that can never be attainable again, as you so eloquently said. Please know that I understand that I can't even begin to feel your pain! I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand, to some degree, and to let you know that you are not alone.

I pray for you often and hope that God has something wonderful in store for you and your inspirational family. I pray that He will give you days of being able to feel that innocence that was lost and I pray that He makes His purpose known to you. Thank you for sharing your heart and for touching mine with your thoughts and Faith! God Bless You!

Suzie said...

Once again, you took the words right out of my heart. Sometimes I think things, but can't seem to get them out right. Kristy, you continue to be an inspiration to me. I know that this pain I am in is "our new normal" that many will hopefully never experience. I feel as if God is coming to me through you. It may sound silly but that is how I am seeing it. Thank you for ALL of your encouraging words. And also Thank you for being so open about your thoughts and feelings. It has helped me leaps and bounds. Thanks a bunch!

Praying for you now and always!
Love Suzie

Melodie said...

This was a great post...I only wish more believers understood this and took life...and their faith, more seriously.

Along the lines of what you wrote about, I'd like to share some things God has been teaching me about suffering.

As believers were are told to give thanks in all things. This is commanded in the Bible but we often do it as a “this makes no sense but I HAVE to do it because the Bible SAYS so”. Yet the Bible says other things like “don’t be surprised when you face trials for your faith”, “And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love him.” And many other verses along those lines. But when you begin to fully understand God’s very intimate involvement in our lives and that every single incident really does have a purpose, you see that each and every trial that you face has been tailor-made by God, specifically for you, to help you grow into exactly the person he wants you to be. So when we give thanks, we truly ARE thankful, knowing that through the trials and the tears, God really does know what he is doing. I have often thought “why did I have to learn the lesson this way. Why couldn’t God have used another means” but God didn’t use another trial since he knew the one he gave me was exactly what I needed. I hope this is a comfort to you during your trial.

Rachel said...

I am sitting here reading your post today with tears streaming down my face. This morning I just had my fourth D&C. I have now had seven miscarriages. Yesterday we went in at nine weeks to check on a baby we saw with a beautiful heartbeat two weeks ago but the heartbeat had stopped. I am also blessed with two beautiful girls and am also reminded how precious they are. I am also in a similar place as you in wanting more children but knowing that path may not be easy and I do not have the innocence of just expecting pregnancy to end in healthy baby nine months later. I will pray for you on this part of your journey. May god grant you and your husband peace as you trust Him to lead you in how and when to grow your family. Prayers and Hugs
Rachel in PA