Thursday, June 5, 2008


Last night I went to High School graduation at my Alma Mater. I had had a difficult day and wasn't sure I could make it but figured it would do me good to get out and see other people. My cousin and my step-sister were graduating so I went to my dads for dinner and then we all headed over for graduation.

It is so strange to go to events like this now. Like I said it was where I attended High School and it is a small town so generally when I return I am greeted with enthusiasm, after having been through what I have been through it is interesting to see how that changes the dynamic of the conversations. Very few people even made eye contact with me and if they did it was just a quick hello. One of those situations where the magnitude of the circumstances surrounding my life cause people to feel awkward and not know what to say. It is a horrible feeling.

So I took my seat with my grandma and we waited. We got there early so as to get good seats and as I sat there my mind, as it so often does wandered to Isaac and Asher. As I looked around at at all of the proud, excited parents I realized that this was yet one more thing that I would never get to do with Isaac or Asher. I would never see them put on the gown and weird hat and march down the gymnasium floor, I would never see them stand to accept a scholarship or award and I would never embrace them as they received their long awaited diploma with all of the hopes and dreams of an 18 year old.

The classes of 2026 and 2023 will graduate, but my sons will not be among them. They have already graduated to their eternal home and though I know they are in a place I would never wish them out of, part of my heart still longs to see each of my sons accomplish things like this. Howard wasn't able to go along as we could not find anyone to stay with the boys and didn't feel graduation was a place for them, and I so wish he had been there with me. Just having him by my side makes me feel ten times stronger.

This weekend is likely to be a little tough for me as I am helping to have a baby shower for one of my closest friends. I am honored to do this for her and would not want it any other way but also must acknowledge how difficult it is likely to be for me. We are going shopping tonight for her gifts (procrastination I know) which is likely to be tough as well, I want to do it myself though. I love her and cannot wait to meet this little guy. He is due within days of Isaac and Ben's due dates! So please pray for me this weekend as we celebrate this new little life!


The VW's said...

I'm praying for you! May God give you comfort today and always!

Anonymous said...

Good for you for getting out . . . I have gotten really good at finding any excuse to stay in. I find moments like you had at graduation tend to hit the hardest - you didn't just lose babies . . . you lost children who would grow to be adults - with countless moments and memories along the way. Big hugs to you! And I will be thinking of you this weekend.

Erin said...

I often think about those kind of things too. Thanks for being so open and sharing. It is nice to know that I am not the only one that has those kinds of thoughts.

sumi said...

I felt a pang too when I attended my third graders' award ceremony at school a few weeks ago, knowing I will never attend Jenna's. Perhaps Jesus will arrange an award ceremony in heaven where we will see just how many crowns our babies gained in their short but effective lives.

I will pray for lots of grace and peace to surround you as you prepare for the baby shower.


Yvette said...


After Tristan passed away all I wanted to do was get out of the house because the memories of him here were too painful but now all I want to do is stay home and I try to never leave Trayc's side as he is the "glue" that holds me together. I feel like I'm okay as long as he is there.

I'll be honest, I haven't really thought about missing out on Tristan's graduation yet or the little school stuff but I home school so those realities haven't hit me, but I know they will! And the baby showers, oh yes I have already declined to attend 2 of those and both those girls were having boys and I have another friend who just had a boy. We have not gone to any of theirs house as I just CAN'T do it.

I so understand, this road is the same for all of us isn't it? I love you and I will be praying hard for you as you prepare for the shower.

Love, Yvette

Anxious AF said...

You are amazing for throwing a shower, I have two friends that had babys in November and February, and I have avoided seeing them at all. I just cant do it.

Anonymous said...

What years will your other two sons graduate from high school? Sometimes people are afaid of saying the wrong things. I'm not sure what I would say if I didn't have this blog to read.

Anonymous said...

That does sound like a horrible feeling... and I don't understand how people can act that way. Even when I don't know what to say I know that a sincere smile and "Hey!" or "I love you." or "I'm praying for you." can mean more than a thousand other words. I guess maybe other people haven't heard it's as simple as all that.

I'm glad that there are people in the world (like you, Kristy, and others who have blogs and who comment) who will open up about how crappy it feels to just sort of be ignored when you're in pain. Because I think it's a gentle reminder to believers that we're here to love and to serve, even when it's hard to know what to do.

(And, by the way, I love Willow Tree stuff! My mother collects the angel ornaments and she got a figurine for us after Quinn was born. It was perfect.)