Friday, May 23, 2008


It seems that each time I post something containing my true feelings and being honest it is suggested that I seek counseling. I am not necessarily offended by that but you are assuming that I haven't already. You do not know that is the case. I very much appreciate everyone's wanting to look out for me and I promise I am being well cared for and have many people to talk to. I was just trying to share my thoughts. Counseling doesn't change reality. Yes it is healthy to talk to someone and counseling doesn't make you less of a Christian nor is it anything to be ashamed of, but despite having someone to talk to, these feelings still exist. I know that it is ok to feel like this. I have lost two children. One three years ago and one three short months ago. This is all still new and raw for me. I am dealing with things and giving them to God, I just have bad days sometimes.

I am taking care of myself and am being well cared for and looked after by friends and family. I just want you all to know that. I am so grateful that so many of you are so genuinely concerned for me and I want you to know that I am handling this in a healthy manner and there is no need to worry. It is possible to be in counseling and still have yucky feelings and sad days. I have many outlets for my anger, frustration, sadness and joy. This blog is just one. An amazing one, but it is still just a part. It is a place for me to freely be able to express things I have difficulty expressing verbally. That in and of itself is healing for me. Thank you all for continuing to follow my blog and for your honest and sincere concerns... I am so grateful so many of you love me enough to be concerned!! Thank you!


Kirsten said...

Well done!!! You are so kind and sweet. On a bad day I might not have been as gracious. You articulated everything perfectly. I may need to send some of my friends and family to your post because it explains it so well.

Hugs and blessings,

Michelle said...

I think you are an incredable woman for getting up and out of bed each day. I think you are strong for having the strength to share so openly and allow strangers to comment. I can't even fathom being in your shoes but if I were, I hope I would be able to keep it together as you have. I continue to read your blog and be encouraged. I continue to pray for you and ask God to have favor on your life. I think you are a wonderful woman! And each of your boys are precious!


Christa said...

I just want to say again how amazing your faith is. I think you are doing an incredible job of just doing the day to day tasks of being a mom. I can't imagine how hard it is to get out of bed most days...yet you have done it over and over again for over 3 months now. You don't need to explain anything to anyone. You are strong and faithful.

You truely are an inspiration, and I am so thankful that you are sharing your journey with us all. :)

Gram said...

so, so hard. may i direct you to my daughter's post of today.)she pretty much lets it all hang out! :) ( she is a believer and trying with all of her heart to get through her pain. i am praying for you.

Suzie said...

hugs to ya. love ya!!!!!

love suzie

Anonymous said...

I too have lost an infant and I say yes! Sometimes life ROTS! Doesn't mean God's not good, doesn't mean I don't love Him. But sometimes things just rot and we have to work through them. Each person in their own way, in their own time. I think your rawness in blogging is part of your healing and very healthy. I also recommend beating a metal pizza pan on the dryer for an extended period of time. Sounds kind of odd, but there is something about the noise and impact that did me a LOT of good. Just make sure your husband has been warned and your kids aren't home. :)

Laurie in Ca. said...

I love your honesty and your heart. I love you Kristy and pray for you as you work your way through this time of great pain and sorrow. There is no way around this but to go through it. I will continue to walk with you and pray you through.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

JuJu - said...

I have read your blog for a long time - but I find myslef unable to comment for a good while.

After reading this - I have to-

My heart breaks for you so deeply.
I do not see how you do it. I actually was talking to my husband about you and your family a few days ago-

You have been through so much - you have had to endure so much pain as a Momma.

You have TWO sons that have left you and gone to heaven before you had the chance to enjoy them at all. My question is not are you getting counseling (it is obvious that you would do everything in your power to be healthy)-
my question is HOW do you go on - I have a great relationship with the Lord - just like you do - but I am not sure I could be as strong as you have been,

I think you are amazing - I think your faith in God and the way that you have lived through this - because you have-is pretty incredible.

Your honesty does not make you weak - it makes you human - and it puts your story out there to HELP others that might be going through a simular experience.

I want you to know that though I have never walked your road - you have inspired me and pushed me to trust God more.

So - people are people - they say dumb things -

but you my dear precious friend - you are a strong woman of God. An incredible mother and a hero.

NOBODY could endure your pain - and do ANY better of a job dealing with the loss and heart ache you have. NOBODY!!!
Greif is hard - and it is a long process of a large range of emotions.

I am so sure that the day your sweet precious Asher was to turn three months old was a tough day.I just can't bare to think of what your heart goes through - every day - not just on the special days.

You just know that I love you and pray for you and I think you are doing a pretty incredible job of dealing with ALL of this.
And doing it while encouraging others.

You keep telling YOUR story - you keep letting it all out here -
you just keep working through this at your own pace.

We love you and will keep praying for you....


The VW's said...

Keep on expressing yourself! I know that it is a huge healing method! Not to mention, you are helping so many by doing it! I think of all that you are going through and how well you are doing with it all, when so many have a hard time dealing with the little things in life. People take so much for granted and you are teaching some very valuable lessons by sharing your heart, story and God's word! Thank you! Counseling is great, but from where I stand, I see YOU giving the counseling to so many!

I was recently going through some things and found some words that were shared with me a while back from the book of Revelation. "Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer. Indeed, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and you will have tribulation ten days. Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life." My friend told me that although we may suffer for "ten days," our suffering will end! It won't last forever! You have definately been tested and have suffered much tribulation, but you are being faithful and God sees that! In Revelation it also says; "and you have persevered and have patience, and have labored for My name's sake and have not become weary. But hold fast what you have till I come." You have definately had to labor, and although you become weary, you always turn to God and have looked to Him for help and guidance! This is ALL that you can do and I think that you are doing it amazingly well! Hang in there and know that you are prayed for often! God Bless You!

Anonymous said...

I don't know that I've ever posted to you before, but I want you to know that I have thought about Asher about 3 times this week. I was backing out of my driveway and saw a patch of dandelions. I thought about you .. and Asher.

Corie said...

Sorry Kristy that while you are trying to share your feelings others are trying to "fix" it. Sometimes I have learned that the best of us are uncomfortable with grief and sometimes there is NOTHING you can do but listen. Want you to know I will listen and I also know that I can not fix it nor will I try. Keep speaking. I love your heart

Heart4Adoption said...

I am a Christian counselor and I say AMEN! Despite having someone to sort through things with (and you have many people who support you), the pain still exists and that is normal. I have been deeply moved by your blog and your honesty. I often suggest people read your blog. May God continue to strengthen you and keep your eyes on Him. Tanya

Vanessa said...

I came across your blog and I have had that same issue. People think you're either crazy or happy. We have to grieve too and it's not something you just " get over". Nice to meet you! :)