Thursday, April 10, 2008

Chosen

Today has been a long day for me already and it is only 3:00 pm. I had to get up extra early this morning so I could shower and be presentable before the boys got up so we could be out of the house by 8:30. Today I spoke to the MOPS group at my church about my experiences and then I had to run through things for PowerZone weekend this weekend (details in previous post). Now the boys are resting and I have had a bit of time to reflect on my day.

I guess today was the first time I had actually verbally gone through my story with anyone and I am not even sure I got out the things I wanted to say as I kept getting choked up and losing my train of thought. As I spoke though I knew I had limited time and for those who know me know I could probably talk forever. So it forced me to think about the most important points I wanted to make in all of this.

I wanted to tell my story and explain the struggles and fears of the past few months but I wanted to convey how even though this has been the hardest and most painful thing I have ever had to endure, I also feel very blessed that God chose us for this. I have come to learn that God uses the broken.

"Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline" Revelation 3:19

God trusted me, He trusted Howard with these gifts. It seems strange, but he often hand picks those he trusts most to remain faithful and shine the light of His Son to endure trials and suffering so that others may see God's goodness in them. I had thought of this before and thought "gee if that is what it means to have God love and trust me, I would rather He didn't" and if I am being honest, I still am so amazed that he would choose a crazy screw up like myself to carry such an important burden. The fact remains however that God doesn't make mistakes. So that means he truly chose us for this journey and we will not disappoint him!

It is a weird feeling but though I miss Isaac and Asher with every fiber of my being I am also so proud of them. I am so humbled that God would chose Howard and myself to care for such precious gifts. I am so determined not to waste all of this. I am on fire to make sure that everyone knows our God did answer our prayers and he is the same today as he was five years ago or five hundred years ago. I know that this is far from over. We still have so much to give as we have been given so much.

The other point to our story that I feel is crucial is the way we have been lifted up and carried by more people than we could count. Too many to even be able to thank personally. So if you are reading this and have been one of the people who has prayed for us, left us encouraging phone messages, text messages, emails, cards, or notes, or if you are a person who has brought us a meal, gift card, money to help cover expenses, signed up to walk with us in the March for Babies or donated to the cause, one of my new amazing "internet" friends who is also walking a similar journey, or if you are a person who has sent us a gift we thank you. We have been so encouraged and more certain than ever that there is a God and that he is an amazing God. He has brought each of you into our lives at exactly the right time and my heart has been brought to overflowing.

Today as I went to check the mail I reached in the box, the cards and notes have mostly stopped so I was expecting a bunch of bills (some that I have totally forgotten to pay in the craziness of life) and there was a small package. I brought it in and opened it and found the most perfect little gift on a day that I really needed just a little boost to get through the rest of my day. It is a small wooden block similar to the alphabet blocks children play with. This one had the letter A on one side, in loving memory on one side, Asher Joseph Bolte on one side, all of his statistics, weight height etc on one side, entered into Heaven February 22, 2008 on one side and the name of the family who sent it on the other. It is so perfect. (Thank you Kim and Wes) It came at the perfect time and I just love it, it is a perfect gentle reminder of our sweet son!

My heart is truly so full, broken yet full which is a strange feeling. I truly wish I could thank each of you individually for all you have done and for being such an important part of our story, and I am trying but please know that no well wish, prayer or gift has gone unnoticed. Please continue to lift us up in prayer as we continue on this journey. God is at work and is doing GREAT things! I have truly come to know a love I would never have known without my boys. A love for them, a love for my God, and a love for all of you. We are also astounded at the outpouring of love from all of you! Words seem so inadequate, but thank you! We love you!

10 comments:

Trisha said...

Dearest Kristy,

I admire you so...I really do. Your heart is a beautiful thing to witness. You do our God proud...you are proof that He gives us no more than we can handle (albeit, it feels like at times we will crumble under the weight of life's tragedies). You are living proof that our God is a god of grace...grace that you exude like you have no idea...You are living proof that we are capable of enduring, as long as we keep our eyes fixed above...You are living proof that God is love and that we have been created in His image. I commend you for reaching out to others, when at times you may feel as though you don't have the energy to give anymore. You are a unique and beautiful soul and I am glad that I stumbled upon your journey months ago. God bless you friend. I am proud of you and I honor you--one mommy to another.

Love,
Trisha

Kirst said...

I know that it is by no accident that I have come across your blog. I can't imagine what you are going through. I want you to know that up here in Canada someone is praying for you on a constant basis. Thank you for opening my eyes and my heart.

Kirsten

Sheryl said...

I have followed your story but this is my first time to comment. Your words have challenged me. I won't be quoting you exactly but you said God trusted you with this trial and you won't let Him down.

I cannot even begin to understand your particular trial, but it is a reminder to me that God is allowing my trial right now for a greater purpose. He trusts me with it and I don't want to let Him down.

I am so sorry for your loss(es) but I can tell that God will be using you mightily to advance His kingdom.

Thanks for the words I needed today.

Sheryl

Anonymous said...

Kristy, Your honesty and openness combined with your amazing way with words did allow you to communicate everything you wanted today at MOPS. Thank you for being willing to share with us. If ever you need help at all, please call. Even if you just need a nap or a kid-sitter so you can be alone, seriously I am willing and wanting to help. Your family is in our family's prayers daily. You are an inspiration! Love, Beth

msharae said...

When you talked about your heart being full but also being broken at the same time, it gave me an image of God being able to pour out His perfect love THROUGH YOU in an amazing way, because instead of just coming out of the top, His love can come out of the cracks too.

If He's keeping it full enough to overflow even with the cracks, then He reall is showing you a lot of love. :)

The VW's said...

Continuing to pray for your family! God did choose you to carry this burden and be a light to this world through Him! While it is an awesome job, I can only imagine how hard it must truly be! Thankyou for sharing your thoughts with the world and for allowing God to show through as you do it! He will give you the peace and strength to sustain! God Bless You!

Anonymous said...

I don't remember how I stumbled onto your blog but I did in the months preceeding "Happy"'s birth. I am in awe of your courage and faith with all that you have been through. AND I will never look at a dandalion in the same way. I saw many blooming the other day walking into work and the first thing that came to my mind was "Happy". I praise the Lord for "Happy" each time a see one.

Devin said...

Truly, I think everyone that is praying for you is blessed TO be able to pray for you, and see God working in your life. That is so evident, Kristy...God is working thru you and your blog, and there are so many people being blessed and encouraged by your words everyday. I am just one of the many. I think I speak for most people when I say, no thank you will ever be needed. But it is nice to know that your heart is so tender that you want to make sure people know how much the kind words, thoughts, and prayers mean to you. I know, because I feel the same way. I will never be able to express to people how much they helped me thru my darkest hour (losing my child in December) but I am determined to do my part in giving back to others who are in need whenever I am able to. God bless you, and your family. I check your blog everyday, even though I don't always comment (three boys under 4 years old...time doesn't always allow it!) and am continually in prayer for you!

Devin in Illinois

Laura said...

So proud of you for sharing your story...not easy to do when it is still all so raw. You are a gift...love to you!

Melissa Dovel said...

Kristy,

I pray that the Lord continues to show his glory through you hand over fist. Praying for you as always. I just caught up with the last few entries and the one about "The Gap" rang so true to me for my prayers for you. I posted the other day on an old daily bread (yes I keep'em and go backward) This one was on the miracle of restraint. I think in a lot of ways this world sets us up to be in crazy pain and I have said it b 4 and I will say it again. In your darkest times you still show his light. You are a loved sister in the Lord.

Blessings,
Melissa