Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Where I was a month ago today...

Today is April 2. It is strange that there are so many dates anymore each month that stand for different things, birthdates, death dates, life changing sonogram dates, etc. I have been dreading April 6th as it is my due date. I am unsure of what emotions that day will bring but for today, today is the 2nd. On March 2nd we celebrated Asher's life. We gathered in our church and celebrated him. I truly wish I would have had someone video tape the service. It seemed like an odd thing to do at the time so I did not but I surely wish I would have. It was an amazing service unlike any I have ever experienced as it was a TRUE celebration of his life and I think anyone who was able to attend would agree.

"Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him." Psalm 127:3

Our dear friend Andy spoke. Andy is a pastor at our church and the funny thing is that when Isaac died, he did Isaac's service because all of the other pastors were on vacation and Andy was the only pastor around. We basically met Andy that day. We walked into the church heartbroken from the loss of Isaac and Andy met us with open arms, and though you could tell he was nervous about all of this he was awesome. He did a great job and was very loving and compassionate. It was so different this time though, not in that he wasn't loving or great, but now we are friends with Andy. We are in a small group together that meets here at our house on Thursdays and we all enjoy pizza and share life and a love for Jesus. It is great, but we have come to be very close with all of the people and that group and WOW they have played key parts in this chapter in our story. We started the group right around the time we found out we were expecting and I believe God brought each of those people to us at exactly the right time knowing that they would be able to carry us along this journey, and they surely have.

Anyhow, this time it was different, Andy had been there when Asher was born. He met him and he knew our hearts for our son and he conveyed the story beautifully. One of the things I wanted for this service was to worship God. I wanted to worship even though I didn't particularly feel like it and even though it may take some people at the service off guard. In our "small group" of friends we are blessed to have some very talented people who also belong to "The Gathering Band", Tim, Jen, and Ryan, they provided us with music to worship to and it was so perfect. We stood and worshipped our God to songs like "Everything Glorious" and their own song "Be Still" which provided me with much needed hope many days throughout this journey. You can listen to their amazing song at www.myspace.com/thegatheringbandministry.

Our friends Randy and Julie also offered a glimpse at our story through our blog. They showed the map at the side of the blog and talked about how many lives our dear son has touched in his short life. We continued the celebration with a DVD our friend Tim created using our pictures and the first two songs that play on this blog, "Carried to the Table" and "Everything Glorious" two of our absolute favorite songs. And we ended with worship and a HUGE dinner.

I was so touched that everyone at our church was so willing to help us out with all of this. They even decorated! It was perfect and looked more like a baby shower than a funeral and that was our goal. We wanted to focus on the life and gift God gave us. The girls in my "small group", Jen, Emily, Carolyn, Brooke, and Jen made me the MOST AMAZING scrapbook!

It was a great day, but why then as I sit here this morning one month later does my heart sink as I recall the details of the day? I guess it is that I want all of this to stay fresh in my mind and desperately fear that these memories will fade, and they are all I get. I will never get to treasure memories of Asher's first steps, babbling, rolling over, first words. I get memories from his birthdate,February 22, his celebration, March 2, and his burial, March 3. That is it. If I forget them or allow them to become foggy, I cannot make more. I relive those days EVERY day in my mind so as not to forget one sweet detail. It hurts but it is a hurt that I would never trade. These are MY memories and Asher is forever a huge part of who I am.

“From the end of the earth I will cry to you when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”- Psalm 61:2

Many well meaning people have said, that time will heal this and that it will get easier with time. Time does not heal, and quite honestly I don't want it to. I will forever be broken because of Isaac and Asher and that is how I want it. I think often times it is harder for others to see someone who is so broken because they have such great hearts and it is just painful to see someone else hurt. But the truth is that I hurt because of a great love! I am broken but through my brokenness God will use me. He won't put a band aid on me and try to fix the brokenness, he will use it for his Glory. I am ok with that. I will never be healed until I am in Heaven. None of us will. We all have broken pieces and we will carry those with us.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

So I guess what I am saying today is that I don't want anyone to try and fix me. I don't want time to heal my broken heart. I want to live with my broken heart and find my new normal and who Kristy Bolte is. My broken heart is like a badge of honor to me. It is precious and cannot be made whole this side of Heaven. This is my cross to bear, and sure some days it seems so unbearably heavy. Some days I may need help carrying it. So, I ask that when those days come, friends and family you will help me carry it. I don't need to be fixed and time won't heal my wounds and that is ok.

Luke 5:17-20 “And it came about one day that He was teaching; and there were some Pharisees and teachers of the law sitting there who had come from every village of Galilee and Judea and from Jerusalem; and the power of the Lord was present for Him to perform healing. And behold, some men were carrying on a bed a man who was paralyzed; and they were trying to bring him in, and to set him down in front of Him. And not finding any way to bring him in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and let him down through the tiles with his stretcher, in front of Jesus. And seeing their faith He said, ‘Friend, your sins are forgiven.’”

PS I hope this in some way makes sense. It seems to jumble in my mind as I try to convey what I am thinking.

7 comments:

Zac and Jenny said...

Kristy- You have a great attitude. You make perfect sense. -Jenny

petebon5 said...

as much as i can i be there to help carry you through..when that cross on your back is just heavy and you need help! i know i don't know you and you don't know me but i visit your page everyday (through kenzie's site) and your trials are an inspiration to me. my heart is heavy for you kristy. sisters in Christ
bonny in tX

Alicia said...

Kristy,

Thanks for being so open and transparent. One year ago today, I miscarried at 13 weeks. January 25 of this year, I went for a sonogram (almost 19 weeks) and found out there was no heartbeat. My son was taken from my womb on Feb 1.

Sometimes I just wish that I had some tangible memories to hold on to.

God understands and is sufficient!!!

Alicia

happy gram said...

oh my word, i needed to read this. you have helped me today with a better understanding. praying for your broken heart. jan

Kee said...

Kristy, Asher's life did and will continue to touch so many lives. God's mission for him was accomplished even though he was here a short period of time.

As for being afraid you will forget the memories you have, I have totally felt this way before. It may help if you write them all down, I believe you will keep your memories and God will bring them to the surface at just the right time. But it may help knowing you have a back up plan just in case.

Prayers to your family.
Kiesha

Anonymous said...

About a year after I lost my baby girl, I read this quote, and I thought it said it so well. I thought of it again when I read your post and went and found it for you.

Rose Kennedy, wrote in her book:
"It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time-the mind, protecting its sanity-covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."

I do think the pain lessens, but I'm past four years, and mine is not anywhere near gone.
Shellie

sumi said...

I hear you. It has been only 8 weeks for us since we laif our little 3 year old princess at Jesus' feet. I don't want to heal either. What I do want though is for something lasting and eternal to be birthed in and through me for the kingdom's sake through this. I want Jesus to do something through my pain that can be of value to others.

Your words spoke to me - thank you.