Wednesday, April 16, 2008

What to say when there are no words...

This is very new to me. I am usually never at a loss for words and yet I haven't really been able to post because I cannot find words to describe my grief right now. I am at a complete loss. I sit here it is after one in the morning and the house is silent. All I can do is cry. I am so overwhelmed and my heart feels physically heavy. I ache for my boys, yet I feel guilty because I have two amazing little men here with me. (I just realized that when I say little men it seems like I am talking about two of the munchkins from OZ or something). I hurt for so many reasons. All day all I can think about is that gee, if I had all of my boys with me, I would be so busy with them I would likely no longer care about a clean house...I would have a 4 year old, a 2 year old a one year old and an infant! What an amazing kind of busy that would be.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt lately. Guilty that I am sad so much, guilty for the feelings I have and guilty for not being the wife I want to be. Mostly guilty for being so much about myself. I just can't seem to get past the searing pain. I feel guilty that as I am surrounded in pregnant friends and friends who have given birth in this past week, I feel a twinge of jealousy and find it hard to be around them. (if you are one of those friends, please know this is my issue and I love you and am happy for you and the worst thing you can do is avoid me. So don't read into this just let me deal with these feelings, I WANT to be here for you and I will!) I feel guilty that I am even writing this, but am trying to be honest mostly with myself so that I can get through this deep valley I have found myself plunged into.

Howard is constantly apologizing for my being sad all of the time and it hurts me that it hurts him to see me like this (not sure if that made sense). He feels like something is wrong with him as he has yet to actually cry. I am so confused. I don't want to feel like this forever yet I don't want to get past it. I WANT my heart to be forever broken. I want there always to be that place where Isaac and Asher reside, a raw place where I am completely exposed. I don't want to be "fixed." Yet I cannot bear the pain. I am overwhelmed by everything, household duties, relationships with family, the feeling that someone is always missing and it never goes away(every time we get in the car, I feel that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I have forgotten something/someone and I turn around to make sure everyone is there and sadly they never will be) , and finances. It seems unrealistic that I have all of these household duties as life goes on meanwhile I am stuck, yet at the same time the household duties make my life seem somewhat normal. EVERYTHING contradicts itself lately and I am so confused.

I am so irritable lately and I am ashamed of that. I am easily hurt by everyone and find myself getting angry. (I still think the Be Nice to Me, My Baby Died T shirt is a good idea) I knew that after going through this once that friendships and relationships change through things like this. I am happy to report that my marriage remains solid and untroubled, but many of my other relationships are suffering. I feel like no one gets it. I feel like those who are closest to us and should be helping us carry this burden have completely backed away. Especially family. It seems we are forming close and authentic relationships with many people, even strangers while others are drifting away. That is such a hard thing to try and fathom. Even our family members never mention our sweet boys.

I guess I am just surprised that the majority of the people who have done all they can to carry us and have given so much of themselves are people we have met in the last two years or so. I am sure God brought them to us at just the right time and I know they continue to lift us up in prayer and check on our every need. I have never been more thankful for good friends and Church Family, actually even "blog family".

It is strange to say but I am still having conversations with God but mostly on other people's behalf. I have an easy time praying for others right now but am at a loss when it comes to praying for myself. I am still feeling burdened but can say that I do feel uplifted by all of your comments and willingness to help carry some of my burden for me. I am SO grateful to know that so many of you think of my boys often especially with dandelion season upon us. I know that I will get out of this valley but I also know it is uphill from here. I may just need a push every now and then and right now is one of those times. I am sure when I get out of the valley and at the top of the hill I will see amazing beauty below. Right now however I am stuck in the muck at the bottom. I will lift my eyes into the hills knowing that my help comes from the Lord!

I am hesitating to post this as it is pretty honest. I did do a little editing, but it is true to how I feel. My intention is not to get pity or make people upset or think that I am doubting for one moment that this is exactly where I am SUPPOSED to be right now. I know that God is working on me. He will use my brokenness, he will bring me through this victorious. Right now it is all just becoming more real as things settle down and everyone goes back to normal except me. I am still searching for who I am and who God is shaping me to be. I am thankful that he has chosen me yet I hurt. I guess what I am saying right now is please pray for me...I am just one giant confusing OXYMORON! :-)

29 comments:

Chrissy said...

I see you're up late tonight too. I told you, I am always up until at least 2 each night. Email, call or text me if you can't sleep. I promise, I am here and will just listen, even if you're just crying on the other end.

I thought of you and Asher today when I walked w/ Dominic to the bus stop to get Mya. The dandelions have sprung in my neighborhood. What a precious reminder!

Thinking of you my dear. And will be praying as well.

Anonymous said...

Kristy - Because you mentioned in a previous post there is a gap between those who have and have not lost a child, I can honestly say I have never been where you are due to the physical death of a child. My heart aches for you. I have a grandchild I never got to see, we never got to name, never got to hold but that cannot begin to touch the depths of your pain.
Several years ago I too did a study on brokenness because I was broken due to a Spiritual loss of a child. I cannot pretend to understand your brokenness but do know that you are familiar with the One who can put it all together again.
As I go through my day today, I will pray for you as the Lord brings you to mind. Thank you for allowing me to do that.....

laura said...

I read your post and thought of a plaque I keep on the wall to remind me that says "Make time for quiet moments because God whispers and the world is loud". Right now you are frustrated by a world that puts demands on you when you really just need to be God's child, held and whispered to in love and peace. Take a few minutes whenever you can to close your eyes, let God hold you and whisper to you. Peace and sleep will come and we will all pray for that for you.

Anonymous said...

Hey Kristi just read your post. I am constantly thinking of you. I know how you feel it has been 8 months since we lost our baby and it does seem like people forget. I even mentioned to my cousin the other day to please talk about my Isabella I need that. God will carry you through this I know he will. I am always praying for you if you need to talk please don't hesitate to email me at t.renee@hotmail.com I am here for you I might be miles away but I'm only an email away. Hang on in there and Jesus will see you through.

siscaboo said...

Hi Kristi,

I hardly ever comment, I am always praying, but, hardly comment.

I just feel that I don't have the words to adequately express what I want to say.

But, I have struggled with what you have at the moment.

After Johnathan passed away, I was able to talk to God about everything and anything but, myself. I could pray for everyone and never could I open up and pray for me.

Until one day I don't know what happened, I just broke down. I just went to him with all the hurt, frustration, pain, sadness, the aching, just went to him and let me tell you this took awhile. I just let him work my magic on me.

I couldn't do this until I was ready to accept that He would be there to comfort me. Or rather allow him to. I was holding back because, I didn't want to let go of the pain. I wanted to feel that each and everyday as raw as it was when it first began. I didn't want to let go of it because that meant to me that I was letting go of Johnathan.

But, what I realized was I wasn't letting go but, I was living with him. You see for a long while I kept Johnathan to myself and didn't share. He was mine. No one else, mind you he was a brother, son, and grandson, nephew, and friend. I realized that other people were hurting too and that we could help each other.

It just took me a while.

We are coming up on his one year anniversary and it is starting to get hard for me again but, I just talk to God now that I am able to and with my family and it is helping me to be able to make it to this date as unbearable as I thought it would be I know that I can lay it all on God and he will help me as will my family.

He is always waiting and He knows your heart. I thought I could hide from him but, I couldn't but, he has patience beyond anything any of us could ever comprehend. He is holding your hand waiting. You can trust me when I say that.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that I too had struggled with not being able to talk to God for myself.

Thanks for reading. And know I am praying for you, I haven't ever stopped since I started.

Bobbie

Anonymous said...

Dear sweet Kristy,
first of all I want to say that I think that your honesty and authenticity is so beautiful. You do not have to sugar coat your feelings for others. I truly think GOd is more honored by your honesty in this time than anything else. I will continue to read your words and not take offense (because if I am offended, then that's what I have taken up).

Secondly, as one of those friends who has a new baby, I am also not offended by your words. I just gave birth yesterday to a baby that was not supposed to live, her condition was "incompatible with life", and yet, for some reason, that is not the case now. Although I am estatic with the miracle that God has done, a huge part of me asks, "Why me?". We have several friends who have gone through miscarriages and death of an infant. I am not sure how to put it into words, mainly because I am still in my hospital bed under heavy medication, but your words and thought do not offend me. They make me want to hug you and life you up in prayer more.
I will remember you especially today. I love you Kristy! Melanie

Angie Luce said...

Someone encouraged me somewhere along the way to give myself grace in all situations-to allow myself to feel the way I felt without attaching guilt over how I felt I should be feeling. It was so freeing! I know that concept can't be carried to the extreme, but I do think with such an intense loss and grief, it's good to remember that God understands, and he doesn't expect us to be strong and brave. He knows how we feel, and He doesn't ask us to pretend that it's something else.

I'm praying for you!

Much love,

Angie

The VW's said...

I am so sorry that you are hurting so deeply! Please don't beat yourself up and feel guilty! Easier said, than done, but you are going through something that most people will never have to go through. You are only human and God and others understand. It's O.K. to type these words and get them out and every feeling that you are having is O.K. too! God understands your pain and I pray that He will ease your pain. I pray that He gives you peace and strength and hope to get through each and every day! I'm sorry that I can't do more to help you, rely on God and know that only He can fill you up right now and always. Also, please know that through all that you have suffered, there is a purpose! The words that you express and the emotions you share are a blessing to someone. I know that God is working through you! Your faith in Him and your honesty has helped many I'm sure, me included! We all struggle with things, but I have learned many lessons through you. The little things just don't matter! People matter, YOU matter and your precious boys are what really matter! God Bless You! Praying for you hard today!

Alicia said...

Kristy,

Praying for you....praying for peace and comfort as only He can give.

Love,
Alicia

Jane-Jane said...

Oh how I can relate! Through two "events" this winter, I have had to deal with my infertility. It amazes me when I think that I have given it to God, allowing Him to carry me, I realize that I still have dealing/healing to do with this. It is painful and I TOTALLY can relate to almost every word of your post. (all but actually having children in our home) Amazing how those that you thought were there for you, really aren't. Relationships are hard, and mourning them too in the midst of a loss is tough. The balance of leaning on Jesus and longing for friends is where I struggle.

All this to say, I TOTALLY feel your pain and am in the same shoes emotionally.

I'm praying for you in SC! satan is on the attack, I'm praying for both of us to be covered by Jesus' love and grace.

Anonymous said...

Hi Kristy,

I'm a stranger. Or should I say praying stranger. I am praying God hears your cries and lessens your pain. I can only imagine how your heart must feel. Please try & focus on what you still have. Two beautiful boys and a loving husband. There are so many people yearning for just that. I know you feel lost without your other boys and it's all so fresh. Time will help. It may not feel like it today but it will. You are a strong Woman. I know at this time that word is far from your vocabulary but dear you are. You have beared a lot more than the average and yet you still get through each day. Some days harder than others. I'm sure God has a plan for you that will be revealed in his time. I understand how you feel about family right now. I believe it's because they are at a lost for words. It's easier for a stranger to say certain things where the love for your family is so deep they are afraid of what to say. I encourage them to talk to you and bring up the boys that are so very much on your mind everyday. Talking about them helps. My prayers are with you. I check your site often but I include you in my prayers daily. God Bless you
Kara
New Jersey

Laurie said...

Hi Kristy,

Please know that my heart aches for you as I read your most honest post. I am glad you did not delete it. It is your heart aching through the words, letting me know to UP the prayers. I think of Isaac and Asher so much as I see the dandelions in my yards and my grandson always picks them for me. We put them in a small vase on the kitchen shelf, and I always see your boys in the flower faces. I pray the Lord helps you with the burden of guilt you are feeling. Everything you have expressed is part of the bridge that is leading you to the new normal that has not arrived yet. I encourage you to not be hard on yourself for all you are feeling and know that it is okay with God to be right where you are. He knows what is ahead and He won't leave. Your heart will always be broken for your boys, but hopefully in time, the pain of it will ease. Until then, just breathe and take it one day at a time and let us out here lift you up to Him until you can do it yourself. I wish I could give you a big hug but please know it is being sent to you today. I love you Kristy and will walk this valley with you.

Laurie in Ca.

Leigh Ann said...

Hi, Kristy

I read your blog in Ohio & pray for you each time. Since I've never lost a child, I'm also one of those who can't "be there" with you, but you sound perfectly normal to me! I do know we have a God that knows, cares, has a plan & I am CONFIDENT He WILL see you through this. Death sucks - I mean that! But PRAISE GOD Jesus rose from the dead giving us hope.

Praying you are surrounded by His deep hope today in the midst of the grief,
Leigh Ann

JennyWho said...

Kristy-

Praying, thinking of you often throughout the day. Sending many many hugs - please keep writing, every single thing you are feeling right now is perfect in its way.

I have a magnet hanging on my frig which says "Bidden or unbidden, God is present." God is with you every moment, even when you may not feel it or your heart is in the most pain.

Praying for you,

Jen in OH

Anonymous said...

I just want to say that your feelings are valid and nothing to be ashamed of. Even though I have been blessed with children many times over, as you have been blessed with 2 healty sons, I am still grieving the loss of other children that I have lost. The hurt and grief never fade away, though the feelings of anger and jealousy do.

I read your blog everyday, and I am praying for you through this journey of loss, and learning to live with a new normal.

Melissa Dovel said...

Kristy,
AS usual I have SOMETHING to say:) You are not in some strange place that you should not be in your in the place your in because thats where your supposed to be. Hope that came out right. There is no manual that anyone could possibly write by you or any other woman who has lost a child that states on day "x" your going to wake up and feel so much better. Everyone deals in there own way and time. Your husband has a different way and time as well. Even though he is not constantly tear filled and is sorry and wants to pull you up its all his way of dealing and healing. I am sure that I mentioned my dear 3d friend Cindy Graber (not a blogger) she lost her baby Baily and she never took a breath (born at 22 weeks??). We talk all the time about her. Rob and Cindy were blessed just at 2 years ago with a perfect little girl Lyndsie- they tried for years before they got pregnant with Baily and had another miscarriag. I was so blessed to walk through her pregnancy with Lyndsie and got to see her face when she FINALLY met her baby. I speak to her a lot about Issac and Asher and your pain and she is praying for you too. Its kind of funny cause just this am she told me in a way you dont want to loose that inital grief cause you feel like your giving a part of them away. Her words to me were you don't ever loose that part that you fear that your going to loose. One baby did not replace another and every day she says Baily's name as many times as possible. She is 5 years away from saying good bye to Baily on earth and she misses and regrets so much- Her words to me was when she finally decided she needed to start to try to live again the Lord blessed it with a new kind of love for Baily. That may not be your answer but its another womans walk through what your going through. Your children know your love and they in a pure and honest way understand your pain. You will come back to the place where YOU feel you need to be for them. Your Husband PTL is a man of God and will stand and hold you up and your friends and family I am pretty sure are trying hard to do what they think is best. When were lost and in the valley its hard to tell exactly where were at (i know this one first hand). You may be closer to the peace you are seeking than you think. If you ever want to talk post me and ill call u. YOU ARE A PROVBERBS 31 WOMAN! I am here for you in any way that I can be.

Praying for depth perception,
Melissa

Anonymous said...

My dad died tragically 4 years ago. He was cutting a tree down on his farm, the tree fell the wrong way, crushing him. I understand that with the death of a child the pain is probably multiplied more than I could imagine. I was 27, married with 2 children. I remember waking up the next morning after he died, sitting on the deck, and I was so angry that the birds were singing, that the sun was shining, that people were going on with their lives when mine had come to a sudden stop. I struggled with that for a very long time. I still struggle with a burning pain inside when I see someone out in public and they have forgotten "who" I am because their memory of my dad has faded with them. I want so badly every time to stop them and say "Hey, don't you remember??", and I want them to talk about him, share memories, but I think a lot of times they are afraid. I say all of this because I feel like everything you have said is so normal. You are not alone. I also miscarried in between my 2 children, and seeing a mom with her new baby was so hard. Although I did not have that physical bond with that child as you did with Happy, the pain unexplainable. I wish I were able to give you a big hug, please know that I check on you daily through your blog and pray for you every time. Hang in there!
Karen

Anonymous said...

Kristy-

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have a couple of comments that I hope will give you some help. First, I'm glad that your internet family's support is helping you. Keep in mind that it is much easier to talk about the boys over the internet. If I saw you in person, I would have a hard time expressing my feelings because I have a tendency to be so emotional. I'm sure those who see you and don't mention your boys are feeling something similar.

Second, I really thing that perhpas you should seek counseling. Perhaps you are experiencing postpartum depression magnified by the deaths of your precious boys. A professional may be able to diagnose and help you get through this valley.

In the meanwhile, I continue to check your blog and pray for you several times a day. I don't always comment, but I love you and pray for you none the less. I'm always struggling with how to help someone who is hurting. Please continue to let us know what you need. I love you Sister! Lisa in NC

Sharon said...

Anonymous said, "Even though I have been blessed with children many times over, as you have been blessed with 2 healty sons, I am still grieving the loss of other children that I have lost. The hurt and grief never fade away, though the feelings of anger and jealousy do."

I too can completely relate to what you are going through, although the three children I lost between my two girls were miscarried and I never got to see their precious faces or hold them and tell them I love them.

It is extremely hard when others in your life that you love dearly are filled with the joy of being pregnant or having a new baby during your season of loss. I've been through it too. My Sister-in-Law got pregnant right after my second miscarriage, and every time I see her son I still see the shadow of the little one who should be playing with him. My most recent loss was this past January, and my sister got pregnant at the same time. I am excited and thrilled for her, but it is bittersweet as we talk about how she is just starting to feel her baby move, and I know that I should be feeling the same thing.

God WILL carry you through this, just as He is carrying me now as I am organizing a baby shower for my sister. While I am excited for her, there are many nights when I hang up the phone from talking to her and just sit and cry for what might have been if I hadn't miscarried Jordan. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel the same way. I am keeping you lifted up in prayer.

Kirst said...

Praying and praying some more for you. My heart hurts for you right now. I'm not sure what else to say but know that you are being prayed for and thought about during this time.

Kirsten

Cindy Ring said...

Kristy,
Thank you for posting your true feelings and allowing others inside your pain. Even when you hurt and are angry you never make it seem like others are at fault even when you are hurt by them. That takes a lot since you have every reason to feel frustrated and bruised. It is so good that you have a wonderful man that stands beside you and wants to understand your emptiness. I'm sure it is harder for him since he didn't have that life literally inside of him for those months...there is no way to explain that feeling. Anyway, just wanted to again say we are thinking of you and pray the sunshine of God's love will fill you up and help you through. We'll keep praying for you.

Cindy

Devin said...

I am so sorry that you are so broken, Kristy. And I totally understand; I understand so many of the angles that you were speaking of, especially the angle about how family and those closest to you move away, while others that you wouldn't expect move in closer to help you deal with your grief. That is exactly what happened in our situation. My family never brings up our loss, to this day. Never. And, I do understand why they don't, but it still hurts.

I know from experience that God will heal you in His time. Each situation is different; even with those of us who are struggling because of the loss of a child....within each of those situations are many different factors, and because of that, God has to heal each person differently. I can't, no one can, give you any magic words or any formula of what do to to instantly take away the grief. There is nothing like that. You will heal in exactly the way God has designed it. And, it may take time. And, that is OKAY.

God knows your heart, and when you are ready, He will bring you past this brokenness and to a place where you can be 'whole' again. That wholeness, however, will always house an empty spot...the spot where your two precious boys are...but there will be a new 'whole' for you. God promises that!

Praying for you in this incredibly difficult time,
Devin in Illinois

Anonymous said...

Have you seen a grief counsellor yet? They help you to get through these emotions....and how to not get rid of them, but how to live with them...

My husband sometimes reminds me to "live for the living"...not our children who have died.
What if you were to die today?
God may ask you why you spent so much time focused on yourself and the boys He already is taking very good care of, and not on the ones He has still placed in your care.
Maybe stop looking down at the dandelions and start looking up towards Heaven!
Stop thinking so much!! It will never make sense on this earth...

Sheila said...

Be My Light

When our hearts have been broken
And dreams are forgotten
It's easy to feel all alone.
But He'll pick up the pieces and put them together
And tell us that we are His own.

When we go through our trials
It seems like there's never been
Someone who's been there before.
But alone in the garden He gave us forever,
He could not have given us more!

There's a light at the end of the tunnel, I know,
For He promised this darkness would end.
Precious Lord, give me strength for the journey ahead!
Be my light! Be my guide! Be my Friend!

[poem written by Deanna Edwards]
excerpt from the book Grieving, The Pain and the Promise, also written by Deanna Edwards.

You're not alone.
Even though right now you're on your own.
You are loved in ways that can't be shown.
Your needs are known. You're not alone.
And when you cry,
You're just letting go a heartache deep inside,
So tomorrow there'll be sunshine and the sky,
And love close by.
You're not alone.

[song lyrics by Michael McLean]

May the Lord who knows you, loves you, is aware of you... walk with you through this trial. May he lift the burden you feel.

Heartfelt sympathy...
Sheila, NV

Zac and Jenny said...

Kristy-

I am praying and thinking about you each day.

I by no means say this to offend you or "discount" your feelings... but as a social worker I want to mention that you may be suffering from Post Partum Depression (that may or may not have anything to do with Asher's death).

As you know, depression can be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods. But true clinical post partum depression is diagnosed when feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for an extended time . Depression can be mild, moderate, or severe. The degree of depression, which your doctor can determine, influences how you are treated.

Medical experts believe that changes in the woman's hormones after delivery cause postpartum depression. Women who have ever been depressed are at greater risk for postpartum depression than other women are.

Have postpartum depression isn't anything you can "take care of" yourself. It's truly a medical condition for which medication is temporarily needed until the hormones are back to normal.

Please just know that my thought are with you.

Fondly,
Jenny

Emily said...

What you said about everything contradicting itself? YES. I have never found words to explain that feeling. One one han: this... but on the other hand: its total opposite. UGH. You are amazing, just because you are still here, still trying to seek God, still believing and knowing what is true and all that jazz from Phil. 4:8. I know you hurt. We all know you hurt. We have no idea the intensity or the depth, but we know you hurt and it is honestly a relief to see you let some of it out. That's what we're here for. :) Let it go. Pour it out. Make room for something beautiful to come and take the place of all the hurt inside. You will never, ever forget your boys and they will go with you every single place you go. You'll never forget them. You'll never move past them. But you will move forward, with them. I know I'm one of those new people who have jumped on board, but know that I mean what I'll say and I'm right here, praying for you. I actually took pictures of the brand new "yellow flowers" (as my girls call them) at Miller Grace's resting place the other day. I couldn't resist. I know your boys and my girl and the beautiful cloud of witnesses of which they are a part is glorious and joyful today. We can try to imitate them, right? It won't be long, sweet friend. Until we're there together, keep breathing in and out, exchanging your ashes for His beauty, your sorrow for His joy. You were anointed for this.

Anonymous said...

Kristi,

I wish I had something eloquent to say...I don't. Just know that a little old anonymous in the state of Maine is still checking in on you daily, thinking of you, crying with you and praying for you.

(((((((((Krisi))))))))))

bookworm said...

Just wanted to let you know that I'm reading, crying, and praying all at once.

Hannah

Trisha said...

Praying with all that I am...Thank you for your candidness, Kristy. As painful as dealing with all these contradictions may be, I am glad that you are dealing with them. To embrace this grief-thing is moving you one step closer to setting it free. Setting the grief free will take time, and it is not to say that something grief-like will not linger in your heart, still, but to hand this pain over to a higher source will set you free from the chains that hold you. You will emerge from this walk, from this valley...in your time and His. Just know along the way, there are so many of trying o walk with you...willing to carry you. You are a dear soul...a loving mother and wife...a selfless woman...and a precious friend to all who know you or "cyber" know you. God bless you sweet friend. Praying for you peace.

Trish