Thursday, April 17, 2008

Dynamite!

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

I had read this verse in the Streams in The Desert earlier this week and thought "Wow talk about oxymorons!"

If this verse is translated literally it is even more clearly stated... "Therefore I take pleasure in being without strength, being insulted, experiencing emergencies, and being chased and forced into a corner for Christ's sake; for when I am without strength, I am DYNAMITE."

I find it especially interesting that when I was at my lowest point thus far and wrote my innermost thoughts and feelings as ugly and weak as they were, this was when I received comments that were not so uplifting. I have been unsure as to how to take all of this. I began to doubt myself and whether or not this blog should continue as I do not have the strength or energy to respond to such comments or try to defend myself to those who could not possibly understand.

I was talking about all of this with Howard and he reminded me of something so important. None of this is about us. It is about God and glorifying him and where God is being glorified Satan will sneak in in the most subtle way. I am certainly not saying that "Anonymous" is Satan or represents such, but by those comments being posted, it was an opening for Satan to creep in and cause confusion and doubt in my mind. I have been feeling so weak. I guess I should actually be thankful for each and every comment that has been posted because though some were frustrating they caused me to search deep and bounce back like dynamite!

This passage reminded me that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with finding yourself so deep in the valley that you no longer have the strength to go on. I am learning that when I come to the complete and total end of myself, that is where I find God. He is waiting there for me to finally stop struggling and fighting him. He is waiting with open arms to embrace my weary, worn out self. Sometimes we are so strong-willed that I think we are kind of like Whack-a Mole (sorry for the bad analogies...I am not very deep) We just keep popping back up and He keeps whacking us back down and we pop up again without another thought, and it isn't until we wear ourselves out and just lay down for a bit that we truly see that the suffering we endure is necessary for the blessings that are to come. ( I hope that makes some sense, it did in my head) And then and only then once we have taken the time to rest and be still and truly listen to God (we all know he tends to whisper rather than yell) are we able to pop back up victoriously like DYNAMITE!

I also read in Streams in the Desert this quote from George Matheson, a blind preacher of Scotland..."My dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but not once for my thorns. I have always looked forward to the place where I will be rewarded for my cross, but I have never thought of my cross as a present glory itself. Teach me O, Lord to glory in my cross. Teach me the value of my thorns. Show me how I have climbed to you through the path of pain. Show me it is through my tears I have seen my rainbows."

Hi God...It's me again! I want to thank you for my thorns and for my cross, they are true gifts. I have come to realize that though I am a character in this story I am NOT the author. I have come to the end of myself and am yearning to know You better. I want your will for my life. I want to be used by you. I submit fully to your plan. I realize that ups and downs are going to be necessary on this journey. I am beginning to learn that oxymorons are actually a beautiful thing. It is only though you that weakness can be strength, and ending can be a beginning. You are the author of this story and I cannot wait to see what the next chapter brings. I am truly blessed!

14 comments:

sumi said...

Sweet Kristi, I just loved this post and I am so glad you are not going to stop blogging. :-)

Paul expresses this longing to know God in Phillipians..."oh that I may know him, and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings..."

It struck me that Paul mentioned that he longs to know God in both the good times(resurrection) and the bad times(sufferings). But what I really love about this passage is that there is a fellowship with Jesus that happens in our sufferings that we cannot really find anywhere else. It is there that he becomes most dear to us. It is in our wilderness places that we learn to lean upon him, and he becomes our beloved.

(Son 8:5 Who is this coming up from the wilderness, leaning on her Beloved?)

~ Straight Shooter ~ said...

Found your blog through the King Family blog. Glad to know you have found a healing in blogging and plan to not let anything stop you. I am walking an unwanted path as well and use my own blog as "me time" away from life's problems...or for. Hang in there and keep looking towards the Son.

Anonymous said...

Dear Kristy,
Beutiful! We are all just a work-in-progress, and we learn as we go. God's amazing blessings and unquenchable love surround you today! Love, MELANIE

siscaboo said...

I am so glad that you are not quitting blogging.

Your blog is helpful and healing to other mothers going through what we are. There are gonna be some negative comments but, that is not going to outweigh the support you will get.

I have had a hard time with my grief and when I read the other day that you had a hard time praying for yourself, I felt relief. Not that you are going through this but, that I had struggled with it also and that I am not alone.

You have blessed me with your blog. I am so happy that you are continuing. Don't let the negatives get you down. People don't understand if they haven't been through the loss of a child, or who have never had children themselves. So, they tend to be negative. But, just ask for us to pray for you and we will and you will feel God's comforting hand. I promise. We are here for you.

Anonymous said...

Kristy - I so often think of the song with the words ' just to be clay in the Potter's hand.' When my youngest daughter was in high school, she took scupture. She brought home a pot that had not been fired yet so it was soft. Her boyfriend sat on it and smooshed it. Because it was soft and malleable, she was able to form it the way she wanted again. If it had been fired, it would have been hard and would have cracked. Sometimes I think God used those of us who are soft and malleable to form into what He wants us to be. Does this make sense? I am thankful that you have a softness about you.
Often I feel I should not comment because I have not lost a child. But I have learned a lot from you about how to relate to a mom who has lost a child and I am thankful for that.
You take care.

Sheryl said...

SO glad you are going to continue blogging. Satan is out to destroy anything he knows is a threat or will lead others to Christ. So in a weird way, it should thrill you to know that God is using you and your family so much - that satan is scared!!

Also, isn't God good to give you just what you need, when you need it. Love the words you wrote and thrilled for you that you are God are working it out together.

I think you're amazing!(and so does God)
Sheryl

Anonymous said...

So well spoken...as I read your words, Carried to the Table played! Thank you for showing us what really trusting in God means.

Love you! Lisa in NC

Laurie said...

I love you Kristy and your honesty. You always let me know how to pray for you. And I have to tell you that deleting the negative comments is a good way to keep your blog from becoming an open forum for arguments. This is your sacred place to share your heart. I am so glad that you will not be chased away from here. I have never lost a child and I thank the Lord for this. But I realize that it could happen anytime in the lives of those I love and I want to be prepared to be of help, and not turn away in fear. You have taught me so much by your honesty and I thank you sweetie. I am with you in this valley for as long as you need my companionship and you have my prayers to get through. God will give you beauty for your ashes, he already is. He is your constant strength with an unlimited supply to give you each new day. He loves you so much.

Laurie in Ca.

Kenzie said...

Kristy-

Thank you for continuing to show us what the Lord is revealing to you through His Word. I'm sorry I've been completely disconnected this past week and haven't had time to follow all of this drama... until now. I just want you to know that you are SO loved and like Angie said, you have the freedom to feel whatever you need to... God DOES understand... and you know that :)

I love you and am praying!
Kenzie

Zhohn said...

I haven't visited your blog in several days, I'm sorry to hear what has been going on.
I had never heard "Carried to the Table" until I visited your blog and now I love that song! Thanks for sharing.
This is your blog and you have the right to put out your true feelings. I'm praying that Our Lord will continue to carry you through the days ahead.
Much love and many blessings.

The VW's said...

WOW! You ARE being used by God! What a message of inspiration this post is! Thankyou! Suffering is truly a gift from God! A gift to you, a gift to me and a gift to many, right now, through your blog! God Bless You!

Lisa said...

Kristi,
I just came in to read your updates and read about the unfortunate "drama" that has unfolded. I admire you for keeping up your blog- I stopped writing in mine for the exact reason that I didn't think I could handle the comments. I have a hard time talking to people in person for that reason too.
I just want to say that it might not be fair to assume that "anonymous" has not been in your shoes... it does say "our children who have died" in the comment... so obviously this person has lost children.
I've told another Mom who recently lost a baby that you have to have a lot of grace when dealing with what people say!
Like I've said before, I really relate to your blog because we, too have lost half of our children ( 2 of our 4 daughters have died at 8 and 10 weeks of age from a genetic disease) So please keep it up!
With so much of what you say, it's like you have been reading my own thoughts.

boltefamily said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tiffany said...

Amen!!!