Monday, April 7, 2008

Brokenness

"Jesus took loaf of bread and asked God's blessing on it. Then He broke it in pieces and gave it to the disciples saying, "Take it and eat it, for this is my body." Matthew 26:26

Yesterday at church we celebrated communion. This got me REALLY thinking about brokenness especially on a day when I could not have imagined myself being any more broken. Sometimes I think about my life and I cannot help but think, "ok, God I gave my life to you hoping that you would protect me and keep me from feeling such excruciating pain and yet in the years since I have begun my walk with you I have felt more pain than I had ever imagined."

I try desperately not to feel that way because I don't want a pity party but there comes a point where I do wonder what on earth God is doing! I feel singled out and not in a good way. Communion made me think about how Jesus must have felt as he suffered such pain both physically and emotionally. In addition to the brutal beatings and crucifixion, Jesus must have felt utterly alone. His father had turned his back and allowed him to suffer in a way we can never even fathom. Jesus understands my brokenness. Then I got to thinking of the blessing we now enjoy because of Christ's suffering. I am in awe of Jesus. I must admit that I feel ashamed to be moaning and whining so much, feeling as though I have been forced to suffer in ways many can never understand. I think of Jesus' suffering and nothing can compare to that.

I think of my own brokenness. In our culture we are very quick to throw something out the moment it breaks or is broken. This is not so in the Bible. In the Bible God uses true brokenness. Actually David wrote this in Psalm 51:17 "The sacrifice you want is a broken spirit." WHAT!!?? We should WANT a broken spirit? It seems ludicrous but that is what he says. You see while we generally see something that is broken as useless trash, brokenness is a quality that God looks for. He sees brokenness as usefulness.

Nancy Guthrie describes brokenness in her book The One Year Book of Hope like this..."Brokenness is not the automatic result of experiencing deep hurts. Brokenness is a lifestyle of agreeing with God about the true condition of our hearts. It is shattering self will so hat the life of Jesus might spill out of our lives. It is continually responding to conviction in humility and obedience."

The truth is that I am certainly broken hearted but more importantly I want to be truly broken for if I do not allow true brokenness in my spirit, all of this would be wasted. My prayer for today is that I would allow myself to be completely spiritually broken so that God can use what seems like a horrible unfair tragedy for his good. My biggest fear is that I do not respond in a way that honors God and I allow for this to be about me. The truth is that as much as I am hurting right now it is tempting to just want to cry "why me?" and shut down to God. My prayer is that I keep my eyes on the only one who can bring a new beginning from a sad ending. Only He can turn my mourning into dancing.

The reality and finality of this has finally hit. It took six weeks, but yesterday being the day I should have been rejoicing in my sons birth and instead am mourning his death, it hit and it hit hard. I just want to shut myself in a room for a whole day and cry. That is something I haven't been able to do as I am caring for two little guys who need their mom. I don't want them to worry. I am coming to terms with the fact that I will not EVER again hold Sweet Isaac or precious Asher in my arms and breathe in their beauty this side of Heaven. But I am reminded that I will again see them. It really doesn't comfort me much right now because I want them HERE with me, but I am determined to allow God to carry out His plan.

I am ashamed that sometimes I seem to think that MY plan is better than His. That I know what is best for me. But still, I hurt. So I am asking God to calm the storm that is raging between my head and my heart. I know that our God is Mighty to Save and only he can pull me out of this and bring victory through our pain. Please pray that I would be obedient enough to allow Him. Jesus once said that a grain of wheat is useless if it doesn't fall to the ground and crack open as it cannot produce a harvest unless it is broken.

Getting through this grief process is harder that I had ever imagined especially while caring for two little ones. Some days I get so angry because I feel like I have to take care of everyone else. I just want to go hide and cry for a while and yet I NEVER can. I have YET to be left alone with my grief to deal with it. I barely get a moment for a shower and I cry through that daily. Most days I just have to put on happy face and shove these feelings as deep as possible and it is getting harder and harder to do. I am trying to figure out how to be a mom to two amazing boys in Heaven while still being the best mom I can to the two amazing boys here on earth. Balance is never something I have been good at. God help me!

10 comments:

Suzanne said...

You are doing the best that you can in a very difficult situation. Do not be hard on yourself. I cannot think of anyone who could do a better job.
Suzanne

Yvette said...

Kristy,

Sweet friend I completely understand all that you are feeling! It IS so hard to take care of other children while you are grieving, I live it every day. Trying to be strong for them and yet wanting to crumble inside. I have not had alone time either and that is why the Beth Moore conference last weekend was exactly what I needed - to just be alone with God, to laugh, to cry, to worship, to plead for Him to show us what His plan is for our lives after the suffering and loss we have endured with our precious little boy. I will be praying especially hard for you, that the Lord will calm your spirit, that you can have some alone time soon and that the Lord will heal your broken heart. You are right, the Lord will use us through our broken hearts. I believe we will be able to reach people that otherwise my never have been reached, oh that is my prayer daily, that Tristan's little life will touch someone!

Love, Yvette Hostetter
www.tristanasher.blogspot.com

Megan said...

I'm praying for you today. Your sons are all so blessed to have such a loving and generous mom to care for them. I pray that you will find the time and space to care for yourself as well.

Wishing you all the best,
Megan

Laurie said...

Kristy,

Thinking about you this morning and praying for your brokenness to be completed in the Lords time. He loves you so much and is so patient with the broken hearted. I think of Asher all the time and thank God for what I learned in waiting for Happy. And I am praying for the time you need to grieve this huge loss. I pray there are people there to help you with the boys and whatever you need right now, so you can take care of you. It is not selfish but it is necessary. Your honesty really ministers to my heart Kristy and I love you.

Laurie in Ca.

Kenzie Stanfield said...

Kristy-

I am praying for you guys... for your family as you continue this journey just 6 short weeks out. Know that I think about you all the time!
Praying for HIS plans... HIS will to line up with yours!

Love you,
Kenzie

Alicia said...

Kristy,

Praying for you today....

meela said...

I cried the whole way on a two hour flight to visit my cousin(and her new baby). It must of been because I was finally alone. No one was there who knew me and I couldn't contain it. It felt right, and good...if not a bit embarassing.

Thank you for sharing Kristy, your words touch me.

sumi said...

Thank you for writing and sharing so openly. I relate totally and I could have written your post myself.
This is by far the hardest road I have ever had to walk, sometimes I catch myself wondering if it can really be happening?
I too, want Jesus to do something wondrous and eternal in me through my own tragedy. It would be such a terrible waste if I didn't allow him to work something in my life through it!

Blessings from my broken heart to yours,

Sumi

www.sumijoti.wordpress.com

happy gram said...

i think i'm learning that if Jesus wants to draw us closer to Him, then we have to share His suffering on the cross. now when i pray for my grown children i have to realize that i may be 'sending suffering' their way by praying for them to be closer to Him (they are believers). mother teresa's 'secret' letters reveal that the entire time she worked in india she often/mostly felt abandoned by god and sometimes even faithless. she suffered. ironic (or not) that when she began her ministry there she prayed to share Christ's suffering - begged God for that honor. and it seems that for the 50 years of her ministry in india she felt the same feelings of abandonement and aloneness that He felt on the cross. i pray for time for YOU and for special little joys to come into your life and friends to cross your path to help carry your burden. love, j

Laura said...

I know how hard it is to find the time to just sit and think and cry...hard to realize you finally have a moment and try to get it all out in those precious quiet times in the shower! I remember many days I would get out of the shower have my hair dry and wonder why it was so greasy...I was often crying so much I forgot to rinse out the conditioner!! Praying you are able to have the time you need as well as the grace you need to keep walking. Keep pressing into the pain...He is right there...as well as your 2 sweet boys cheering their mama on. You are brave Kristy. This is NOT all for nothing...there is a legacy being woven...even in these darkest hours. Much love to you- xoxo